Did you or are you waiting to have kids?

[SuzySunshine]

Okay - so I've been dormant for a while but there is one topic that is really bugging me. I think most of you know my husband and I are new to residency, neurosurgery residency, which is 7 years long. We are "young" in that we did undergrad straight into med school and now residency so we're not even 30 yet. We don't have children and we are in the VERY SMALL minority here. We agreed long ago that we would wait 4+ years into residency so that my DH could be around more and we could afford children.

So here is my beef...EVERY function we go to we are one of a very few couples without children or who are not pregnant. Some are very supportive and understanding, but most give me the "oh that will change" or the "I give you two years" responses when I tell them we're waiting a few years. What are you supposed to say to that? I pretty much just shrug my shoulders and smile but its SO irritating.

Just curious what anyone else would say or if you went through this yourself what you did.

Thanks!
(I love this icon: :@ )

While I never encountered that during residency (b/c we had kids), I got that from plenty of other places before kids. And it is irritating. It's not something you should have to explain to anyone, especially in that setting. I'm not sure what to say.
I'm sure Ms. Manners or Dear Abby have thought up a polite but snappy response, but I am at a loss. Sorry!
My in-laws used to ask us all the time...but then DH told them that for every time they ask, we would wait 2 more years. That shut them right up!

[SuzySunshine]

I'll have to remember that one if they start bugging us!

[fluffhead]

Re: Did you or are you waiting to have kids?

We never got comments like that.
On the other hand,

Some are very supportive and understanding, but most give me the "oh that will change" or the "I give you two years" responses when I tell them we're waiting a few years. What are you supposed to say to that? I pretty much just shrug my shoulders and smile but its SO irritating.

Seems to me, if you're sharing personal info about your procreation plans, you may be inviting unwanted comments like that.

[DCJenn]

I know the feeling-

As one who was later in (this) marriage, (we were 32 and 33) it was like people expected us to start the very next day! Luckily his residency program had people with kids and people without but more without. So, we didn't run in to it too, too much. It is really strange though. Why the general populous thinks people's having children, not having children, getting married, not getting married etc is at all their concern - I don't understand. Now we're getting the "oh, you can't adopt just one!" statements. Which makes me really want to say, "you know, they're not puppies and kittens at the pound. I really can only adopt one, because IT'S A CHILD." Like somehow I'll be failing all of the other "poor orphans" in the entire world.

Ignore them. Or if it's really annoying you can always ask "I'd be happy to discuss this, if you can show me how in anyway this is any of your business." Or my personal favorite was "Sorry, the eggs have turned into raisins"- which totally shut people up.

Ot just look at them with an incredulous look on your face like- wow, I can't believe you are so crass as to ask. (If you can pull it off, which I can't!)

Jenn

[Auspicious]

To me, their asking and their objecting to my answers are two different issues. Most of the time I don't mind when people ask us general questions about our plans for family any more than I mind them asking about our plans for career or where we want to live, etc. I think usually they're just taking an interest in us. If I get the sense that they're just nosy or judgemental I usually lie and tell them we don't know, otherwise I tell them our general and tentative plan, as you have.

I think if you're going to ask a question like that, though, you should at least pretend to be 100% accepting of the person's answer. The "oh that will change" people need a punch in the nose! Usually if people tell me I'm going to change my mind about something I just shrug it off and say, "Eh. Maybe. But it won't be today." I have actually once or twice in the past when people push and push and won't frigging drop it half-jokingly said, "Oh see, now you're making me sorry I told you."

[SueC]

That does seem wierd that people would be so nosy about a pretty personal issue. We didn't wait, but I can see pros and cons to either decision. I like the other replies people suggested--I'll bet any one of them would shut people up. Most of the married people in dh's program did have kids early on, but there are a few couples who didn't and as far as I know nobody has really pressured them about why. I've kind of just assumed some of the couples didn't really want kids--one of my sisters isn't going to have kids and it's a valid choice so I don't assume everybody is as anxious to start popping them out as we were.

[PrincessFiona]

Isn't that surprising that people can be so nosy about an issue so personal? Of course, once you have children it doesn't get much better...then they'll be stopping you on the street to tell you to put a hat on your child or to tell you how they would have disciplined their child. Heck, when I was pregnant I even had complete strangers ask to touch my belly while they were reaching out and doing it.

My feeling is that there is no harm meant by these comments (even though they come off as being rude). It sounds to me like you have both really given this a lot of thought. It is hard to have small children when your husband is gone so much and it is great that you are considering his time and the finances! We kind of jumped in and joined the baby bandwagon during residency. There were times that I wished we had waited simply because of the two issues that you are talking about: time and money. (That being said, I don't regret having my children..please don't misunderstand.)

I think that the comments are inappropriate, but that they aren't meant to be as rude as they come off.

kris

We decided to wait to start a family till after residency. Since no one else in my husband's residency class had children yet, we didn't have to deal too much with questions.

At my job, however, all three of the women I worked with got pregnant within 6 months of each other. Of course, everyone started saying that I'd be the next to catch the baby bug and I'd always respond with, "Well, I never see my husband because he works 90-120 hours a week between residency & moonlighting, so it's almost impossible for me to get pregnant." That usually ended the conversation!

Now that we are ready to start a family, we are still dealing with uncomfortable questions. For instance, we were at the car dealership buying a car on Saturday and, while we were looking at the car, the saleswoman pointed out the car seat latches. She then asked if we had kids and I told her not yet, but hopefully in the near future. Later, she asked (in front of several other people inside the dealership) if we had already started trying and if so, how long had we been trying. I didn't know what to say!

No and No. We didn't wait to have kids and even had #3 his second year of med school. That is not b/c we WOULDN"T have waited....I think we are backwards to almost everyone else here. We are 30 yrs old and DH is an M3. It took us along time to get through undergrad and for my hubby to even decide what he wanted to do with his career. We had our first child quite young and loved it so much! We want a big family though. That is just what worked/works for us. We would eventually like to have at least one more but it so hard financially right now and I am sure for years to come. I think had we waited to start our family or had we gone to med school much younger we may not have started our family so soon. It just happened to work out that way for us. Sometimes we feel guilty that our kids don't get to experience alot of things we wish they could due to our finances. At the end of the day though we know that they have everything they could ever want or need and we are so blessed. I don't really know what I am trying to say I just think life has a wonderful way or working out. Just my .02

[Vishenka69]

Cheri, we're in almost the same situation, the difference being the specialty. We decided to wait until end of residency to even start talking about the if/when issue. There are several reasons why we're waiting -- we're also still pretty young, it'll be easier financially, I don't want to set limits to DH's decision to do a fellowship or accept a particular position.

We also have tons of strangers (and friends and family) give us grief for our decision to wait, but they'll be butting in no matter what, so we just ignore them.

[SuzySunshine]

Thanks for the all the comments gang, my standard response is just going to be "Not yet" and leave it at that, if they continue to probe they better watch out!

Thanks!

We are going to wait till the end of residency, maybe till the end of fellowship.


We'll both be 32/33 the end of residency or 33/34 end of fellowship.

Yeah, we were going to wait too.....until I couldn't keep my hands off DW :---

Funny how those things happen....

[PrincessFiona]

Yeah, we were going to wait too.....until I couldn't keep my hands off DW :---

Funny how those things happen....