He graduates in May of 06...now what?

SO graduates in May of 06. We will have been dating 4 years. How many of you would stay with him if there were no ring? I just feel like I can’t move across the country for him if there is no ring. But, I also feel that I am just being selfish. What are your thoughts?

[SuzySunshine]

I really think that is a decision no one can make for you. When my DH and I started dating we knew that the next few years were going to bring a lot of changes. We started dating in August '97. In Dec. '98 I graduated and took a job 8 hours away from him while he finished school. Then in August of '99 when I thought he was spending his first day of orientation at our alma matter's med school he got a waitlist call from California. So instead of being an 8 hour drive away from each other we were all of a sudden a 5 hour flight or 24 hour drive away. It was a decision he made without asking my opinion but one I never faulted him for because I knew he'd be so much happier. At the same time I didn't think twice about moving to California and 6 months later I did just that. No ring, but I think we both knew. We didn't get engaged until August of '01 and we were married 11 months later. All in all, we'd been together five years by the time we got married. Everybody told me I was crazy, my friends, my family, even my parents who love my DH. His parents didn't beleive we'd ever get married until he bought the ring. All of this and the medical life style worked against us a lot but I think when you know, you know. And if you're not sure then you should discuss it. Is moving with him going to take you away from all of your family, can you live with that? Is it going to take you from a dream job, can you live with that? I think you've seen from all of the topics here that its not an easy life and you have to be sure before you do.

Okay, I'll get off of my soapbox now - I wish you luck.

It was funny because when I found this site I started to write this same sort of question. But, then I changed my mind. I told my bf about this site today and he told me that I should ask the question that I did in fact ask. He said he was just interested in seeing what everyone's thoughts were. I am in VT and he's from NJ--where I met him while nannying. Then we both moved to VT when he was accepted to med school. So, I am not anywhere near my family and I will graduate college when he graduates med school. So, I will move no matter what when I graduate--I don't like the cold weather.
Thanks for your advice. I am not really looking for an answer, just thoughts and stories from other people on here. I am so glad that I met him while he went from undergrad to med school. It hasn't been easy and it has given be a clearer pic of a future will look like. Of course it won't be the same, but at least I have gotten a good picture of how things might be.
I am so thankful for this site. I already feel so welcomed and love the variety of topics.

[PrincessFiona]

That is really a loaded question! I can honestly say that I moved with my dh before I had a 'ring on my finger'. I simply couldn't imagine my life without him.

My vote is to never put conditions on your relationship...I'll move, if you give me a ring etc...Let things happen naturally. If you feel right now that it is a natural part of your lives to move for residency together, then do it without any 'strings'.

Welcome to the boards!

kris

[Flynn]

It's completely a personal choice but for me I would not move without a ring for a couple of reasons.

#1. I just wouldn't feel right about it and for me living together was not something I was ever interested in...

#2. Living apart for a while could really finalize things one way or another. Can you live without him? If you can he's not the one and marrying a doc is not a barrell of fun on so many levels so I would take the opportunity to use it as a test for both of you...

You won't lose him if he's the one by living apart. My DH and I did the living in different state thing for two years and it was hard but put things into perspective as far as if we really wanted to be married to each other.

That's just me though.

[SuzySunshine]

I agree with Flynn, we lived apart for 14 months and just confirmed everything for us.

[spotty_dog]

It's a very personal decision. When my husband was accepted to medical school out here in Ohio, there was never any question of whether I'd follow him. We'd been together for about 4.5 years, living together (officially ) for about 2, and though we'd been talking for years about "when" we married rather than "if", there was no date, no ring, and no pressure. It just didn't matter hugely.

Our relationship would have survived a separation, but we wouldn't have been happy and we saw no reason to put ourselves through that.

As it turned out, a couple weeks after we drove 2500 miles with a 26' U-Haul, two station wagons (one on a trailer), with a German Shepherd and two cats and two elderly pet mice, to an apartment we'd agreed to sight-unseen, we had plans to fly to my family's reunion in South Carolina. While we were there he asked my parents' blessing and then proposed on the beach in the dusky calm before a thunderstorm. We were married in the summer after first year.

It worked great for us. Our relationship has never been stronger than it is now and to be honest, I'm blissfully happy and extremely eager to find out what the future has in store for us. However, perhaps you aren't interested in living together before marriage and perhaps you are interested in finding out what the test of distance will do to your relationship. So, again -- it's completely personal.

Good luck to you both!

I have loved hearing everyone's story. I guess I should have stated thatefor his first year of medical school we lived 4 hours away. We grew so much in that time. Now, of course I am here in the same town, but don't live together. We both decided from the day we met that we didn't want to live together until we got married. Which is a big thing to me, I don't want to go back on my word and neither does he. Everyone just thinks we are crazy for not just moving in. O well...
I think that you all have given me great points. I will make sure to keep you posted.

[SuzySunshine]

We didn't live together either - even in very expensive silicon valley. We both had to find roomates but we made it work. It was great to move in after the wedding it made it that much more important to us. Its definitly a personal decision, don't let anybody talk you out of it if it is what you really want!

no ring = no move

Of course, my situation was different because i'm in Canada.

We met, 2 years later we were engaged, 3 years later we were married. And it will be 4 years before we are actually living together in the same city (immigration).

I wouldn't have left my fantastic job here to move to the US unless there was a long term commitment.

It's up to you. Everyone's lives have different variables.

My opinion without knowing you or anything about your relationship: If you are all done school, don't have a great job yet, why not move? On the other hand though, it's been 4 years, why can't you get a ring? If you are the one for sure, that would be a nice future commitment but also ease your mind, the wedding doesn't have to be right away. I'd wonder why it was even an issue.
I had a 7 year relationship before my husband, we never got married, but a ring came up many times, I wanted one, or he wanted to give me one, neither of us wanting it at the same time. After we were done and I met my husband, there was no ring discussions other than, when we were getting married, 100% from the start, we both wanted the same thing, no questions, nothing to wonder about. Just some thoughts.

I'm sure you figure out what's best for both of you.

[Vishenka69]

I think it's a very personal decision that you need to make yourself. We can't tell you what to do just share our own stories. DH and I were dating for 5.5 years before he proposed. We talked about marriage a lot and I knew that he didn't feel comfortable getting married prior to having a job (aka residency). We ended up getting married after the match but before he actually started residency. But we did live together for 2 years before he poped the question. I'm really glad we did that because I needed to see his level of commitment on daily basis.

I wouldn't corner him about the ring but it's complitely legitimate to ask what his plans for the future are. Afterall you're graduating too and need to start making after-graduation plans soon. Ask if he'd like to be included in them. That will make him realize that at the moment you're just as capable of imagining your future without him as with him.