when to have a baby

I'm a 4th yr med student applying for general surgery and my husband is a PGY-1 in internal medicine. This has been a very difficult decision for me to make because we want to have children, which isn't easy as a surgery resident. I even took a year off to do research in order to make sure that surgery was absolutely what I wanted to do.

So, I am now applying for surgery residency positions and my husband and I are trying to figure out when children will fit into our lives. He seems to think that he will able to work part time once he is done with training (2 more years), but I question whether that is really possible.

We're both 27yo and have been married 3 1/2 yrs (together for 7). I know that I have a minimum of 5yrs of training to go. Can anyone offer us any advice? What would it be like for me to have a baby during residency? When is a good time?

Thanks so much!

I can't speak to the surgery residency part (but think it would be hard). On the IM side of things, I think part time could be done. Co-residents in DH's program (when he was IM) did that after training -- she did FT as a chief and he worked PT. But I think his PT was more like 30+hr/wk than 20hr/wk. Another friend in geriatrics did 3 days/wk with a fair amount of success.

[Flynn]

Um, I won't sugar coat this but I will try and sound as positive as possible...

I think being married during a surgery residency is HARD.
Having kids during a surgery residency is very very difficult.
Having kids if YOU ARE the surgery resident (AKA "the mom") is... BORDERLINE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!

I am not a doc, and had I not been willing and able to stay home while my DH worked INSANE hours as a General Surgery resident...well I don't have ANY IDEA how we would have had kids during residency.

I know a woman who had a child while she was in the lab (as a general surgery resident) but she has no idea how she will make it work when she enters clinical rotations again. It's a HUGE stresser for her.

There have been months where my DH saw our kids once a week for a couple of hours. There have been weeks where he didn't see them awake at all. Can you handle that? Can you handle having a child and then not spending quality time with them? Can you handle your child not knowing you enough to want you to comfort them when they are hurt?

If your husband is willing to do more than his share it might work to have kids before your residency is done. Otherwise...well I have no idea how you would make it work. None.

[Flynn]

Ok so I feel kind of bad being the "angel of death" here so more of my two cents...

I cringe when I see you say having kids during a general surgery residency will be hard.

Picture what you consider challenging and multiply it by 25. That's a general surgery residency. Add children to the mix and things really get intense.

I would get your feet wet with the first year and then take stock of where you are. It's not realistic to evaluate how residency will be when you aren't in it yet.

Good luck!

Thanks for your responses. I appreciate everything that has been said and I'm most certainly not surprised.

I have have struggled with my desire to go into surgery for the last 3 years. My husband and I have discussed this extensively, and neither of us have known any surgical residents who have had children during residency.

Last year, I tried so hard to convince myself that I'd be happy going into internal medicine that I actually applied for medicine residency. However, when it came time to interview, I found myself struggling to answer the question: "Why internal medicine". It just wasn't where my heart was. All I could think about was how much I missed being in the operating room.

So, I withdrew my applications for internal medicine and decided to start research. In the back of my mind, I was hoping to discover another specialty that would be half as gratifying as I found surgery. I tried ophthalmology, derm, ENT--surgical specialties with family-friendly lifestyles. But deep down, I knew my passion was surgery.

I realize that choosing surgery is a selfish decision, but I also think that I deserve to choose a career that will make me happy. I'm interviewing now and couldn't be more excited about started residency next year. I know it will be hard--very hard--but I know I can do it, and my husband is standing by me.

I just wish I had some idea of when we could have a baby because it would be nice to have a tangible plan. I guess that's the surgeon in me. I know that my husband is willing to do more than his share of parenting, but I also know that he has no idea what that really amounts to. This past year, we had considered having a baby before starting my interviews, but the time came and went. We're now wondering if this would be a good time. If I were to get pregnant soon, I'd deliver at the beginning of internship. I'd avoid an entire pregnancy during residency, but of course, wouldn't be home with the baby. I guess th only other option is to go to the lab after 2nd year and have a baby then. I just don't know.

[PrincessFiona]

I think there are a couple of options for you in terms of having a baby...the best one I can think of is doing a residency that allows you to get a PhD or something by doing two years in the lab. By that time, your husband will be done with his IM residency and may be in a position (depending on the job he takes) to either work part-time (is he willing?) or at least be available for the baby when you have call, etc. I also can't imagine being pregnant and taking Q2 call or standing in the OR for 10 hours, but that's me.

The other thing you could do is simply wait until you are done with residency.

I was accepted to medical school 10+ years ago right about the time I found out I was pregnant with my son. I fully expected to go...until I had that little baby boy in my arms....then everything changed. Nothing can prepare you for motherhood and the intense feelings of love and responsibility that go with it. Also, I believe that babies need their parents...and you will not be available during a surgery residency.

I think at some level that it is possible to do both, but that it requires sacrifice on your part...either not doing a surg residency or doing a surg residency and either waiting or doing lab time for awhile.

kris

PS

Welcome to the boards!

[PrincessFiona]

I think there are a couple of options for you in terms of having a baby...the best one I can think of is doing a residency that allows you to get a PhD or something by doing two years in the lab. By that time, your husband will be done with his IM residency and may be in a position (depending on the job he takes) to either work part-time (is he willing?) or at least be available for the baby when you have call, etc. I also can't imagine being pregnant and taking Q2 call or standing in the OR for 10 hours, but that's me.

The other thing you could do is simply wait until you are done with residency.

I was accepted to medical school 10+ years ago right about the time I found out I was pregnant with my son. I fully expected to go...until I had that little baby boy in my arms....then everything changed. Nothing can prepare you for motherhood and the intense feelings of love and responsibility that go with it. Also, I believe that babies need their parents...and you will not be available during a surgery residency.

I think at some level that it is possible to do both, but that it requires sacrifice on your part...either not doing a surg residency or doing a surg residency and either waiting or doing lab time for awhile.

kris

PS

Welcome to the boards!

[mommax3]

Have you considered OB/Gyn? It is still very challenging, lifestyle-wise, but not as bad as surgery, although you can still do plenty of surgery if you are so inclined.....you could even decide to limit your practice to Gyn only if you wanted, and avoid the lifestyle that comes with obstetrics. And, of course, the residency is shorter.

My husband loved doing surgery during med school, but refused to choose that lifestyle.....we had our first child after second year of med school and he hated not seeing our little one during his surgery rotations. So, he chose OB/Gyn and really enjoys his work. He thinks the surgery is interesting (and it is not the type of surgery you will see a general surgeon get anywhere near! ) and loves learning new techniques.

Just a thought......

Sally

[fluffhead]

To echo Flynn, it's very very difficult to have a baby during any residency. But not impossible. My spouse has gone back after her leave, and it's extremely hard for her, and depressing being away from the kids. In addition, the program and the other residents, no matter what the brochure or the laws claim, will make you work harder to "punish" you for taking leave. It might be in various insidious ways, but it happens.

[SueC]

I don't think it's impossible, but I think with two doctor spouses you have to think a little more about timing. We threw caution to the wind and made it work, but working from home, I've always had the flexibility to pick up the slack. I know of several doctor-doctor couples as well as women doctors whose spouse isn't in the medical field who have successfully worked a baby into their demanding lifestyles. And I don't think you are selfish for choosing a specialty that makes you happy. How does your husband feel about finding a position post-training that is family-friendly to accomodate your training? I know of an ob-gyn whose husband is a physician--they did wait till post-training to have their kids, but they have arranged their schedules so that one of them is always home with their kids. They are 5 years into it and as far as I know it is working great. It does seem like it would be wise to wait until further into training to start having kids, but I think, as I do think call every 3 nights would be tough on a pregnant or lactating woman. Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck and welcome to the boards!

Congratulations on finding your passion with surgery.

When you have kids (whenever that is), you will be able to make it work no matter where you are in training or " the real world". It sounds like you and your husband have talked about it and know what it will take. You have seen what residency years are like, and yes they are harder for surgery folks, but you aren't going in blind either.

Maybe you should just make a date with your husband and let nature take its course! :---

[Vishenka69]

Although having kids during surgery residency is physically doable, I would very stongly suggest waiting until you're done with your training. I just don't see the point in doubling your stress level and virtually not seeing your kid for the first few years of his/her life.

[Michele]

Is there an echo in the room? Or does someone else sound like me?

Goodness....I feel like I wrote the post. Except for the whole "medical" school part. surgspouse I don't believe we've met. I'm a 4th year vet student and my husband is a 3rd year med student. I love surgery, he likes IM and ophtho (this week). We both want to start a family. Now.

I have have struggled with my desire to go into surgery for the last 3 years. My husband and I have discussed this extensively, and neither of us have known any surgical residents who have had children during residency.

Change the "3 years" part to 1.5 years. And change the "surgical residents" to "female veterinary residents."

Why not be a general practicioner who just really likes surgery?

It just wasn't where my heart was. All I could think about was how much I missed being in the operating room.

And who wants to do specialized surgery and not get paid for their talents?

I realize that choosing surgery is a selfish decision, but I also think that I deserve to choose a career that will make me happy. I'm interviewing now and couldn't be more excited about started residency next year.

I will make my decision whether or not to apply next fall....so I'm just year behind you....

I just wish I had some idea of when we could have a baby because it would be nice to have a tangible plan. I guess that's the surgeon in me.

That's where I'm at.....planning....

For us the situation is a little different.... in that I can work without a residency...being a genereal vet. I cannot imagine being a general vet anymore though. I dread the Heartworm talk... The way vetmed works is that you complete a general internship year and then apply separately for a residency. I was able to fenagle (sp?) myself an internship at UF so I could stay near Russ for his last year of med school. So I have the first part done....then I would apply for a residency as he's applying for a residency. Couple-match? I don't think they even count us vets as real doctors for that thing! So who knows if we will even match together. We won't live apart so whose residency is more important? Vetmed surgery is one of the most competitive out there....so if I match that's a pretty damn big deal. But he can't practice without a residency, right? That brings a whole new level to the situation.

So makes sense for me to have the squidlets while he's in residency and then when he's done with his, they can go to daycare/school and I can start a residency....well they (vet surgery people) say that I'll *never* get a residency if I take time off between internship and applying for a residency.

So I feel like my decision is really....have children and be a mother or follow a dream and become a surgeon. Yeah, it sucks and yeah, I feel your pain.

Oops! I didn't mean to hijack yor post! I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

**PS...maybe Kelly will pipe in here....I know she's had her own struggles with career, children, and a surgical resident!

[Flynn]

I too would love to here what Kelly has to say.

It seems we have been leading similar lives up until this point with some minor differences.

There is also the option of waiting till your almost done.

You'll be 32 or 33 then. That's not too bad to start then either.