New and need advice

Hi. My name is Jen and I'm new to this site. I'm 32, have 2 kids (ages 6 and 3). I work full time as a social worker. I've known my husband for 13 yrs and we've been married for 7 yrs. He is starting the 3rd yr of his residency in internal medicine. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! Last week he announced that he wants to interview for a fellowship in Oncology. My first reaction was no way, no more! Now I wonder if I'm being selfish. Is it a good investment for our family? My concerns are the time he is missing with our children. He has missed kidergarten graduations, holidays, plays, etc). Another concern is our marriage. I feel like I have been so neglected and ignored for so long. My husband is a terrific father but never has any energy left for me. A fellowship would only make this worse. Finally, selfishly I feel like it is my turn to accomplish some of my goals. I have put grad school on hold for years now. I want to go back and get my MSW. A fellowship would postpone that dream yet again. I really need advice from a spouse who has been in my shoes. Should I suck it up and support his decision. I'm afraid I will only become resentful and angry. Is there a way to make a selfless decision and be happy with it?

[Amiens]

Hi Jen,

Welcome to the boards. My hubby is in anesthesia, and is graduating in a little over 4 months. He contemplated doing a fellowship, which for us would have been one more year. One thing he did to help him in the decision process was doing a salary analysis. Matt looked at what he would potentially be making as a generalist, and compared it to the salary he would be making as a fellow, as well as what his salary would be when he finished the fellowship. For him he said maybe in the long run his salary would go up, but the first few years out it wouldn't matter. Because we would have stayed with the program he is with residency for the fellowship, he would have been working very long hours.

I would have supported Matt in his decision to do a fellowship. I told him to do a fellowship if he absolutely felt like he really wanted to focus on one particular area, because was in love with it. My thinking also was it's just one more year, and we can do anything for one more year.

Matt has a friend from medical school who is going to do a fellowship in Heme/Onc. I think it's a one year fellowship.

I am sorry if this seems very disjointed. I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts these days.

I hope I helped in some way.
Crystal

[migirl]

Hi Jen, and welcome! We are only at the halfway point of our residency training, but have discussed the possibility of fellowship since the beginning. Our situation is a little different from yours, though, in that I don't have any personal/career plans that I've been putting on hold while waiting for the end of residency. At this point I have resigned myself to fellowship, I can only hope that DH will only want to do one. While I do/did have many reservations about DH going on to do additional training after his completion of residency, for me it ultimately came down to this: of the two of us, he is the one who is more ambitious and career-minded, he is the one who will be our family's primary breadwinner ... so he is the one who has to be happy in his chosen profession. If it means an extra year (... or two ... or three), then I'll just have to suck it up and go along. We've discussed the topic ad nauseum, and he always asks me what I think about this fellowship or that location. I always give him the same answer: you do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy. I know, I know - it sounds so 1950s housewifey, but I am 150% supportive of his career goals and aspirations, and an extra year or two isn't going to kill me. That's just me, though, so just giving you my $0.02 and perspective.

[SueC]

After a 4 year residency, my dh went for a 3 year fellowship as well. He talked about it from his first month of residency, and I was initially really reluctant to get on board with that idea. For two reasons--he had a med school loan that would be forgiven if he practiced in an underserved area after residency and doing the fellowship would mean that we would have to pay all that money back. Also, 3 more years of training meant 3 more years of me working from home, when I really wanted to be a full-time stay at home mom. He was really unhappy with his residency and I eventually warmed to the idea of a fellowship. I figured he needed to stay in medicine to pay that money back, and I would have felt guilty if I had stood in the way of his dream. We're now at the end of fellowship, and at times I dream about what our lives would have been like if he'd been out in the real world for the last 3 years instead of training, but I'm mostly happy with the choice he made since he really is happy in fellowship and has really "found" himself. I hope my post doesn't sound too much like I think you need to just back your dh and not pursue your own dreams. I think its very valid for you to want to go back for your Master's degree and I know too well how it feels (and how the resentment can build) when you feel you have to always take a back seat to their dreams. I hope you guys are able to come to some sort of agreement that will feel like a win-win for both of you. Is there any way you can pursue your master's degree in some way while he is training?

Hi! I want to thank you all for your honest advice and support. Where have you been for the last 6 years? Nobody understands my situation like you do. Unfortunately, I cannot get my MSW right now. I need to work full time to pay for daycare, Catholic school and our mortgage. Plus as you probably know, being a physician's wife with kids is like being a single Mom. Just this week my daughter had Monday off for teacher's conference and my son is out of daycare today with pink eye. I am so lucky that my boss was a single Mom herself. I think finding a support system (my family all live in another state) will get me throught the next 1-4 years. Let me know how I can help you all too! Thanks again! Jen

I hear that the pay during fellowship is much better than in residency.

Usually it is just treated as another PGY year. So you get an increase for that extra year. Sometimes a fellow can work a deal where they are an attending part time and fellow the other part or something along those lines. But, hey, you would think that fellows who completed a residency would get more of a bump.

How long is the hem/onc fellowship and would you be looking at a move? On one hand, what is another year or two now that you've invested so many. On the other hand, you have invested so many that another year seems like too much! Good luck.

[SueC]

We noticed a slight increase in pay, but it was like Nellie said--just the normal increase for another PGY. I think it ended up being an extra $30-40 per paycheck.