Is this how it's always going to be?

So I've discovered that the best way to communicate with DH these days is to send him emails--seems to be the only foolproof way for him to actually pay attention to what I say AND to actually get a response. I'm on the laptop downstairs and he's upstairs at our desk studying (WHAT ELSE IS NEW?) and I've sent him two different messages in the past fifteen minutes about various household/financial items that I need his feedback on.

It's not going to get any better than this, is it?

It will, but it will probably get worse from time to time, too. The biggest determining factor will probably be the specialty he chooses. My dh originally went into surgery and would argue w/me that we'd have a perfectly normal family life even with the crazy hours. After his intern year he switched to pathology - and I cannot imagine our life any other way. That's not to say that you can't have a good life in surgery - it's just not what most people consider "normal". There are pluses and minuses to everything.

You'll find certain rotations in residency where you never see him, and then others where he's around so much you don't know what to do with him! I keep telling myself that I have to accept that it is what it is and I have to make the best of it.

Try to be grateful that he's studying and working to make the most of the $$ you're spending on his brain. And hang in there.

[Amiens]

I have to agree as I look back on the past 7 years. There will be good and bad times. I am finding it's how we deal with the "bad" times that determines our relationship.

I remember being a bit of a shellshock when Matt started his M3 rotations. Matt did surgery for his first rotation, and I left the country for that one. We had planned it that way. I found during M3 that we adjusted to the difference in lifestyle. We had gone from seeing each other every night, and studying together to him being on-call and working later hours. I was going to school at the same time he was in medical school. I will say that M4 was a lot nicer and allowed us to reconnect, and spend more time with each other. I made an effort to attend interviews with Matt, and we took full advantage of the time together.

The first month of internal medicine internship I felt like I had been landminded. That month was probably the lowest point in our marriage- I was newly pregnant and scared out of my mind that I would have a late miscarriage again, and Matt was working from 5 am until 7 pm on non-call days, and 5 am day one until 7 pm day two on post-call days. Nevertheless he was a zombie, and I felt it really hard to turn to Matt because he was so tired. On top of it all we moved to a bigger apartment. It was a very stressful time.

Then anesthesia residency happened. It has been better, it hasn't been perfect. There have been those rotations where I don't see or hear much from him. I think it was during internship that Matt decided to make an effort to contact me at some point during the day- whether it was leaving a note on the mirror or other place, giving me a quick call during his break or sending me an email. Sometimes if he doesn't have a chance to discuss things at length, then email is the only way. I say embrace any and all forms of communication just so that you keep that going in your relationship. I will sometimes stick a little note in Matt's bag just to let him know that despite our hectic life of his residency and having 2 children that I still love him.

I do think specialty plays a big part. There are plenty of specialties out there that are family friendly. Your husband will needsto chose what is best for you and your family as well as what will make him satisifed and fulfilled in his career. Luckily for Matt he found that in anesthesiology.

It does get better, and at least for us we have tried different things to make it better. However I don't think our lives will ever be "normal" because of medicine.

I hope this helped.

Crystal

Strong communication skills/strategies seems to be a pervasive theme among making a medical marriage work. Residency is when our issues with this hit us the hardest and yes we are in the midst of struggling to communicate effectively. I get frustrated because my DH often is too tired and overworked to hear me and he isn't making the efforts that he should to keep those lines open and healthy. It takes efforts on both parts and especially more concerted effort on the part of the doc. Saying they are too tired/overworked/stressed/preoccupied blah blah are excuses that they simply can't get away with. So..your telling me that since the rest of your life will be like this, you will NEVER be able to talk to me??? Not acceptable in my book.
I can say from my experiences and what we are currently going through (hell) that the earlier you establish good communication the better it will be in the future. For us, It is definately a work in progress.

Some days are better than others

My story...married college sweetheart...1 yr later daughter was born...3 days later hubby got into med school...quit a job I loved...1 month later moved from the town I loved to Philly...in a big city with no friends/family and new baby...we were broke and living solely off of student loans...had first of many good cries...

How I survived...joined the local YMCA..worked out/took classes and put baby in gym daycare...joined Mommy and Me classes (asked family to pay for them as B-day and Xmas gifts)...took adult education classes at local high school (feng shui, pottery, sketching). Look in the newspaper, there are lots of free events (story hour at the library, events in the park, concerts at high schools, etc). Ask for a membership to a children's museum or zoo from family for Xmas.

Swapped kids with neighbors. I was reluctant to get to know anyone at first. One day I woke up with a throbbing big toe (ingrown toenail I had ignored got infected). My husband had taken our one and only car to school. I could walk to a local podiatrist but dragging an infant along was just too much. I was forced to ask my neighbor to watch my daughter for me. She ended up becoming a trusted friend and my daughter's regular daycare provider when I went back to work. The point is, don't be afraid to get to know people. A lot of folks are in similar situations. We Moms need to help one another.

As for the time you have with your husband, it will be few and far between. Just try to make the most of it. Don't spend what little time you have together, arguing about how little time you have together!

Good luck. I know it's hard but you can do it! One day at a time.

[Cumberland]

[quote="cricketnmatt"]
I do think specialty plays a big part. There are plenty of specialties out there that are family friendly. Your husband will needsto chose what is best for you and your family as well as what will make him satisifed and fulfilled in his career.

Note to those not in residency yet- this would NOT include OB/GYN.

[KCwife]

My husband is also a MS3...I send him updates on the kids, household stuff, etc via email. I also put reminders on his palm, if need be. I think that as long as you are not expecting an immediate reply, this mode of communication is perfect!

It does get better, but for us it wasn't until after residency....mostly because we had such different work schedules. During residency, often times the only way I could communicate with my husband was to leave him sticky notes on the computer monitor or send him emails. When I actually did see him, it was usually in passing when I was leaving for work as he was just getting home from a night shift.

During those rare times when we were both home together, he would always be too tired to talk...of course, he would never admit to this and would try to carry on a conversation, but would always end up nodding off mid-sentence. I used to take it personally and assume that he had no interest in my life, but it really was the residency that made him so distant. Now that residency is over, DH not only has the time to talk, but also has the energy to participate in the conversation. For the first time in 10 years, he actually seems to be interested in what I have to say. In fact, we spent this afternoon sitting in the kitchen eating cookies & milk and talking about anything and everything we could think of.

Just hang in there for now because things will turn around at some point. There will be those months when your husband will have an easier work schedule and those months when you will hardly get to see him. When it seems like he's ignoring you, try not to take it personally because it really is due to the pressures of med school/residency.

Thanks all!

Thanks everyone--I just continue to need reassurance that there will at least be glimmers of better times. I was so spoiled before MS3 hit and now it's hard, even though I know it will get even worse in residency!

In my constant need to control situations and plan every last detail, I'm already starting to fixate on residency interviews/applications...so I'm sure that will be the next thing I have questions about!!

And I guess I do know deep down that things will be ok--right now, DH is sitting in DS's playhut/ball crawl for a little playtime recharge with the babe before he goes back to studying for this yucky IM rotation test that's on Friday!!

[spotty_dog]

Re: Thanks all!

In my constant need to control situations and plan every last detail, I'm already starting to fixate on residency interviews/applications...so I'm sure that will be the next thing I have questions about!!

Ditto, has your DH chosen a specialty?

And I guess I do know deep down that things will be ok--right now, DH is sitting in DS's playhut/ball crawl for a little playtime recharge with the babe before he goes back to studying for this yucky IM rotation test that's on Friday!!

Mine has his medicine and family clinic shelf exams Thursday. I'm trying to help as I can, but it's stressful to say the least!

Alison-I think that I'm fairly close to getting a committment out of him to go into internal medicine--he's holding off until he finishes this year's rotations--still has neuro, psych, and peds to go, but I don't really see him going into any of those. A friend of mine is married to a MS-4 and I am so jealous that she finds out in just a couple of weeks where they'll be! I keep telling DH that we're going to have the biggest party on match day--I'm planning to show up at the match ceremony with one of those beer helmets on--just kidding! Would that be inappropriate? Ha ha...

planning

"In my constant need to control situations and plan every last detail, I'm already starting to fixate on residency interviews/applications."

I used to be you. I had 1,2 and 5 year plans. I love to organize stuff and I have people's b'day cards bought more than a month ahead, sitting in an addressed envelope with a stamp on it, waiting in the pile for that date.

Then came the match, and immigration, I've learned a lot in the last few years, the biggest thing i've learned is that I can't control situations out of my control. Hubby hates where he's at for PGY1 and we are starting in brand new city for PGY2. I'd already planned restaurants to go to in the current city, where to buy a house, you name it. All out the window.

This journey has taught me patience and that there was no point in thinking of every last detail, when I didn't hold all the cards. Interviews may change, dates may change, and nothing is done till it's done. Unsettling in some ways, but you'll learn to adapt. It kind of makes life a little exciting.

[spotty_dog]

Alison-I think that I'm fairly close to getting a committment out of him to go into internal medicine--he's holding off until he finishes this year's rotations--still has neuro, psych, and peds to go, but I don't really see him going into any of those. A friend of mine is married to a MS-4 and I am so jealous that she finds out in just a couple of weeks where they'll be! I keep telling DH that we're going to have the biggest party on match day--I'm planning to show up at the match ceremony with one of those beer helmets on--just kidding! Would that be inappropriate? Ha ha...

Whoo! Par-TAY! My DH is about 95% sure he's going into Emergency, or double-boarding in Emergency and Internal Medicine. Of the core clerkships, he's got surgery and ob/gyn left, and neither of us would be happy with those lifestyles.

I'm going to be a bundle of nerves till match day, because where we go is going to determine so much, including whether we buy a house and start a family or not. Sigh.

To let you know, DH is in 2nd yr of interal medicine residency, and it is worse than medical school ever was, and DH did three rotations out of town! The first yr was killer. I work full-time also and mostly communicated via email and by paging him and waiting for him to find the time to call back, only to be put on hold while the nurses interrupted him. Now that he is in the 2nd yr, it is better, but I think it is not because he is working less (he's not) but because I have learned how to work around our situation. You will learn to find ways to communicate, and when to communicate with time. It is such a hard adjustment because you are going to constantly feel like you are switching between wife and single mom. Once you get it down, it will feel much better. Good luck to you!