Depressed, new w/question - can he delay residency?

I'm new here, but feeling very overwhelmed and need some help please.

A little background, we got married young. After our first year of marriage he started back into collage after only finishing a semester before we got married. While he was going to school full time I was going part time but I got pregnant. So I had to quite college. My DH is finishing his second year. We just found out we are pregnant with our second child. Now I am worried that I have nothing to offer our children if something should happen to DH and I had to be the soul provider for our children. When he finishes med school I will have sacrificed 7 years of my life for his career. I'm not sure I am ready to sacrifice 4-6 years for residency and then a fellowship after that, before I get to go and get my degree. I am haven't approached him yet about this, but can he delay residency so I can get my degree? I don't think it's fair that I should be denied a livelyhood for our children, just to follow his career. I know it would be hard, and he probably wouldn't get into the very best residency's by putting it off, but should I have to sacrifice another possible 8 extra years for his career without even addressing this possiblity? Can someone answer me honestly. Has anyone else here worried what would happen if you had to take care of your children alone? I need real insight here, thanks.

[Vanquisher]

Wow, Julie. Your post really struck me. It's hard to know how best to respond to this. While I don't think it is necessarily "fair" for you to have to give up your livelihood for your dh's career, I also don't think it is fair for you to ask him to delay residency. This would make it much harder for him to get a residency, and I think you have some other options.

There are a lot of college courses you can take online. Also, many campuses have day care centers. Because your husband is in medical school, you could qaulify for grants and loans, and possibly sliding scale day care options.

I sometimes feel that I have given up my life for my husbands career. I have to think though that my life is different than I thought it would be, but still okay. It is true that if something were to happen to my husband we would be in some financial trouble for a while. I would have to work really hard to make sure that my kids are provided for, but right now that isn't the priority for us. Right now the priority is having a parent who is a constant figure for our kids. My dh can not do that right now, but I can.

I managed to get my degree with a child, and I know you can too. You need to evaluate what you can do, and talk with your dh. I think that maybe being pregnant is hard on your emotions. It would make things a lot harder for your husband to delay residency though.

There are things he can do though. He can support you, communicate with you, and possibly be open to discussing specialties that would allow you more time to build a career.

My husband chose to do Ortho. A little of me resents this, as I think he could have chosen a less demanding specialty, but I understand it, and hopefully soon, I will be at peace with his decision. For now, though, all I can say is that the road ahead is hard. Do whatever you can for yourself to build a future, but not at the expense of your husband or your family.

Just my .02

[HeartRN]

Julie,
First....welcome to this website. It has been such a source of strength for me! Sometimes just knowing other people have dealt with similar issues is a great comfort.

I can't say I've honestly thought about what would happen if DH were not here or was unable to work until you raised the question. And I can understand your concern....it's definitely a valid one. Do you only have one year before completing your degree? That's kind of what I deduced from your post. If this is the case, I don't think it would be unreasonable to investigate the pros and cons of holding off on residency (that is, if your spouse is willing). I truly don't know the implications of doing this....I suppose it's a real possibilty that some programs might not look very favorably upon doing this unless there was a very valid reason (and what's valid in one program might not be in another).

I know I haven't offered much to help you yet as far as specific insight and advice, but I will say this from my personal experience: Being married to a physician has been all about sacrifice....I have put on hold many things I have really wanted to do to get us both through all of his training, and I have certainly moved to places I haven't been thrilled about (although DH always made sure I was 100% involved in these decisions...we wouldn't have moved to the said places had I really protested). Plainly put, if DH weren't a physician, I probably would have a Master's degree by now, and we might have another child, too. But given the nature and demands of his training, plus the fact that he is getting a PhD, I have placed these goals/desires on the back burner. I'm not suggesting everybody married to a physician should do the same....some may not be able to nor want to sacrifice for their spouse's career. That's something each person must decide....and believe me, there have been PLENTY of times I have nearly walked away from all of it. Sometimes I (like most everybody on this website) teeter on the edge of completely LOOSING it! That's why I come here, and I come here often!

Please read through the other posts, esp. under Marriage Matters and the Call Room. They deal with many of the "challenges" of being married to someone in medicine. After that, perhaps you will have a better idea of what you are willing and/or able to live with regarding your spouse's training. You're definitely in a very challenging position. I'd really be interested in hearing what everybody else has to say about this, too. Many perspectives are so much better than just one. Take care, and again, welcome.

Though I have no children, I think everyone, especially those with children, should have good life and disability insurance and a will.

And I guess this goes in the "Do as I say, not as I do" category as I have good life and disability insurance on myself but we don't have either on DW yet, nor have we made a will.

[Sheherezade]

Welcome to the board! You are in a difficult situation. I do not know if your husband could delay residency, but I do agree with Heidi that you have other options. I would strongly encourage you to finish your education so that you have options down the road and more security within yourself. Clearly, this issue bothers you. You need to discuss this with your DH and figure out a way to do residency AND college for you. Others have done this and I am certain you can to if the two of you plan carefully. Night school and a more flexible residency comes to mind... Or perhaps an online degree or part time days with some stable babysitting supported by loans. What ever you guys decide, I would figure out NOW how your family plans to cross through training. I believe your life would be a lot easier if your husband seriously considered more flexible specialties and if you made an effort to stay in the same area throughout school/residency. It would also be good to try to end up near family or friends who could offer you support when your husband cannot. If you are going to attempt this, you will need a good support system in place. Support systems take time to establish, so moving around often can be disasterous. Finally, I would make sure that all talk of future plans include YOUR future plans as well as his. Obviously, the career path he has chosen has its limitations, but there are many compromises he can make along the way to make things better for you. Kudos to you for facing this issue early on. There will be plenty of other things to resent in the future so it is best to deal with this one now!!

Thanks,

Marla, actually no I don't have one year I have only 16 credits which I aquired the year before I got pregnant going to school part time. I tried clicking on Marriage Matters but I couldn't get in, you have to be allowed in, any clue how I do that?

It makes me frustrated this who medical career deal. I knew going in there would be residency, but I didn't know that he would probably have to a fellowship after that. DH only told me recently that he will probably have to do a fellowship. I am so hoping he'll pick a residency program of 4 years but it could be 6. I am so frustrated what to do. What is best for my son and second child? To be home always and not create more stress or to make sure I can care for them if something happens. DH and I have had some hardships so far during medical school, I can see this worsening in residency, and quite frankly although I would say we have a great marriage, I am scared if something should happen and I am all alone. Yes I think pregnancy hormones are making me more upset than I should be, but seeing I've got a full 8 months to go don't know how to help that!

Though I have no children, I think everyone (especially) those with children, should have good life insurance and a will.

And I guess this goes in the do as I say, not as I do category as I have good life insurance and disability on myself but don't believe that we have any on DW yet, nor have we made a will yet.

we got an insurance policy through AMA I believe for the both of us. I think the policies were 100,000 each for a very low price (one payment of $20 I think). But it does have constigencies on it, but could be place to look.

[HeartRN]

To get into the other rooms, I think you have to click on a link to apply....Try going to the home page, maybe? I'll look and get back to you about specifics....or maybe somebody else will know right off the bat.

Yeah, sometimes it can get awfully frustrating feeling like the medical career hogs all the resources -- time, energy, and money.
I think it is reasonable for you to think about what you would do if you needed to support your kids and that you should look into some different options.
First, I agree with Kevin about the life and disability insurance. Sounds like you have it for both of you.
Second, I have heard of a few instances of people taking off time between med school and residency. It is uncommon and arranged in advance and most circumstances I have heard of are each a little different. Also, I have only heard about it being done for one year. Depending on the school, residency program etc it could be better to apply for residency and then ask for a one year deferral OR apply a year later but you would definitely need to check with the school and get some other opinions. A few instances that come to mind -- one ended up doing a year of research during that time off and another worked in the anatomy labs for a year. I can't remember the details on when they applied for residency.

Your husband's choice of specialty -- and residency time commitment -- might change as he enters the clinical years.

I agree about looking into options for you to continue your education while he is pursuing his.

This is really interesting to me cuz I'm a worrier about what if this or that happens to my husband and I have no degree to fall back on. I have decided to go back to school for a two-year degree (hoping and praying that some of my two years of college with transfer) in the fall. My husband is starting residency this summer. I know a full time class load is not realistic but I'll take what I can get..

We have two kids also. The only reason this has been able to happen is because the residency program my dh is starting has way reasonable rental housing so the downpayment we would have used to buy a house will be used for daycare so I can go to school. It has been a very fortunate turn of events for us as I'm ready to come away from the house even if it only is a few hours a week.

[Rapunzel]

My husband and I got married in undergrad, I got pregnant with our first child, and I quite school. He was accepted to medical school while I was pregnant with our first child (and, we were REALLY young - he was 20 at that point and I was 21!).

The medical school my husband attended allowed one year of deferment prior to admissions (and, after acceptance, of course). This medical school (UT Southwestern to be exact) also allows their medical students to take a year off at any time during medical school with prior approval from the administration (and, as in my husband's case, family matters ARE considered viable reasons for this year off). It is possible that your husband's medical school may have a similar option giving you at leat three semesters to accrue credits full time right there (while he worked).

Other than that, it is possible to take on-line courses. Some colleges and universities (such as BYU) allow you to finish your degree long-distance if you have completed a certain number of credit hours at their campus. I have a number of friends that got married, had children, and moved away from college before they finished their degrees and ended up graduating this way.

I plan on finishing out my degree after my husband's residency is completed (and fellowship if he goes that route). I don't see it as a matter of being "fair", rather, I see it as us simply taking turns. He's going first, and when he's done it's my turn. I do think it is important for me to have a degree as an investment, a good example to my children, and to meet this particular goal of mine. But, patience is a virtue. The degree I have in mind would be a very difficult one to pursue on-line, so I'm waiting. But, it is entirely possible to finish other degrees by taking night courses here and there and doing work on-line. I would definitely check into that.

Having the life and disability insurance is a good idea. I'm glad you guys have already done that. That's the only other thing I would recommend.

Good luck!

Jennifer

Well DH and I had a long talk this afternoon. I told him my fears about school, left out the delay part why start , before I need to. He and I decided a good plan of attack would be that I start back at school one year after residency started, about 3 1/2 years from now. Our youngest would be 2 1/2 ish and would be ready for preschool, our oldest would be 6 1/2 and in first grade. So this appealed to my pregnant hormones , and I feel I can accept that and concentrate on our children, especially this one to come. Ahh, feeling better, maybe I can have future after all! Thanks for your thoughts, very good ones. I'll be back around for sure to learn from those in the know

Wow, can I relate

Wow, can I relate to you. I feel your pain. I fluctuate between acceptance and resentment on a monthly basis. Being a medical spouse is tough! First off, life insurance is a must. It took September 11th to make me realize that! Your fears are legit and insurance will help ease some of them. In terms of school, go... even if it is one class at a time. It will keep you focused on your goal and give you a sense of self. When my husband was in his 2nd yr of med school and my daughter was an infant, I took one class towards my MSW (5 yrs later and I still haven't finished but I am determined). It made me feel so good about myself. It was so nice to focus on my dream for once and not just my husband's. In terms of your husband's career. Once you're in, you're in. It is definitely a long road and some time things get really tough. Use this group to support you. No one understands you like we do. If we can make it, so can you. This is all for the good of your family. Be strong, stay focused, make time for yourself and write to us when you feel like you can't take another day.

I'm a huge worrier, and often wonder about what would happen if something happened to dh and I was alone w/2 kids. I also do not have a degree - basically I wasn't ready to put in the effort when you usually go, and by the time I was interested I had such a good job that I was making more $$ than all of my college-educated friends. We were planning to get married at that point, and we jointly decided that there was no use in going into MORE debt for my degree before we paid off his. I was fine w/that at the time, and wasn't concerned at all when we decided that I would stay home, but lately it's been creeping up in my mind. The upside is that dh is interviewing for the real job now, and will probably stay academic which will mean free or cheaper tuition for moi at whatever institution employs him.

I would NOT consider delaying residency. His job opportuinities in the interim wouldn't be great, and his residency options at the end would not be good. My best suggestion is to make the specialty decision a joint one as much as possible. Yes, he has to do the job, but you both have to live the life. There MUST be a happy medium that allows for family life and a fulfulling professional life while not spending a decade in additional training.

Best of luck.

This is a common frustration in my household, too. If I have one big regret, it is that I didn't finish my MBA when I had the opportunity. At the time DH, who was my bf wasn't even contemplating med school. Our deal was that I would work while he stayed home with the kids. Obviously, that is probably not going to happen. I got a fabulous job offer, and never finished the MBA.

Fast forward: DH first year in med school, the firm I am working for is indicted (Andersen), and I lose my job. I quickly got a job that doesn't even pay me half what my old job did, but I chose it so I could go to night school to finish that MBA. It didn't work out- I was missing too many nights due to working long hours (AUGGHHH- at less pay!!). Anyways, it is partly my fault that things haven't worked out.

So, for the past 3 1/2 years I have been a little bitter. Then finally the dam broke, and I told DH all about it. He was really receptive to my concerns and desires.

We, too have made a fair compromise. He only interviewed for residencies in places that offered MBA programs and/or Law School. We don't have children, and both DH and myself have decided that if and when we have children will be left up to me.

Obviously, the fact that we don't have kids makes this easier for me. I really don't know what I would do if I had kids- probably complete an online MBA (Carnegie-Mellon, Syracuse, and Auburn offer good programs, BTW).

I'm glad that you and your husband talked about this. You can really ruminate over these feelings, and become angry and depressed- I know. I am also glad you guys found a solution. Stay focused on the fact that in a few years you can complete your degree. Good luck!!

As another aside, I know you worry about something happening, and you raising the kids on your own. My mom raised my sister and I alone. She too, did not have a college degree. Even though things were really tough, we got through it, and she did a great job. It wasn't all bad- my mom taught me the benefits of living frugally and how to be independent- two things that will help me throughout life.

Boy, this was long!!! There goes my coffee break :chat: