on the other side

[houseelf]

I'm sure this sort of thing will happen more as time goes by, but it certainly is a weird feeling. DH's second cousin was in Minnesota recently with her husband. We drove to meet them in Rochester with our children. The entire visit they perceived us as being very different than them and were somewhat intimidated. This occurred even though DH and she went to the same school in the same rural communtiy with very similar upbringings. They appeared to be intimidated by our education and goals. She is a stay at home mom and he works at the local dog food plant back home.

The entire time, I went out of my way to make them feel comfortable and minimize what we've done. Seriously, it really is just a different path. Heck, they own their own home on two acres of land and are raising three kids. Perhaps I should feel intimidated.

Just like them, we are muddling through parenthood, couplehood, life, work, etc. No matter what we said or did, you could just tell that they didn't fully feel comfortable. It was really weird to be perceived as rich, smarter, better educated, etc. I was like "NOOOOO, we shop at Farm and Fleet and can't figure out what our preschooler is talking about when he says he did 'binomial' work". We cool like dat. Besides, most of the boneheads I know happen to be doctors and lawyers.

Anyway it was just weird, weird, weird feeling. I'm sure that there is a lot more of this to come because of the distorted perceptions of dawkters and perhaps lawyers. My FP once told me that he hated that whenever he met someone knew, they always thought of him as a doctor first and as Kevin second. Kind of sad, no?

Kelly

Its sad and frustrating.

The second my family found out DH was a VP at a bank they started treating him differently. They kept asking him questions about loan rates and if they could get a discount if they went through his bank. Hello, he is a computer programmer and knows less about loans than they do, and his bank doesn't even have branches where they live.

When they found out he was taking classes to apply to med school they joked about how he wanted to get rich. DH would make more overall if he had stayed on his current career path. We are going to be $100,000 in debt, with a mortgage and two kids approaching college by the time we are in our mid 40's. If it were about money he would be going into private consulting.

[bony00]

This is interesting. I think that minimizing you and your husband's accomplishments, may actually make the situation worse. You guys worked and sacrificed a lot for your education and to pursue a career that you love. I am not saying that you should go around boasting or bring it up in every conversation. But it shouldn't be minimized.

When people project that kind of attitude, it is not really about you or your husband. It really is about them. Their insecurities and their dissatifaction with their life and regrets about past decisions. They have great things going on in their life I am sure, and perhaps that is where the conversation should be directed, to put them at ease.

I don't think that it is about education even. It is about being comfortable with your own situation. I don't know why we do this as human beings. We always think that someone else's life is better. But the truth is we don't know their truth. We don't know what their problems are and although things may seem rosy on the outside........they may be extremely unhappy and dissatified with life. My point is that we can't have everything. We have so much good in our lives that if we focus on that and embrace that, then it wouldn't matter if we are in the company of a doctor, garbage collector or retain clerk. We need to be comfortable in our own skin.

[SuzySunshine]

My DH run into this all the time as well, not with our families but with my friends from high school. I grew up in a very small town, only 50 people in my high school and only about 10 or 15 of us went on to college or some form of higher education. The ones that did go on to college don't treat us very differently but the ones that didn't do. Its gotten to the point that when we go home to visit my parents we see one or two of my friends and the rest really don't socialize with me anymore. Its really hard because I was really good friends with a lot of them at one time but they don't get that I'm still the same person.

My ten year high school reunion was this past October and I wasn't able to go but my friends that did go reported back several things that were said about me and its just hurtful. Its sad that people think because you've worked hard for your education and you've married someone that is in the field they're in that you've changed. Some people just don't get it.

[Meenah]

I'm sorry Kelly. I agree with everything said here. You have a right to be proud of your accomplishments. The other person's insecurities are the real problem. Just continue to be yourself.
Luanne

[Meenah]

Oprah really should have us on her show. "Desperate Medical Spouses".
Luanne

[HeartRN]

I run into people who act weird like this all of the time. Here south of the Mason Dixon Line (sorry, I miss the Midwest!), many people just fall silent after I tell them what DH does (and this is ONLY because they asked me!). Sometimes the silence is more uncomfortable.....I feel like I need to attach some sort of disclaimer, like "Believe me, it's NOT the life it's cracked up to be!"

Marla, I can relate to the displaced midwesterner living in the South.

Have you noticed the use of female in place of woman? The most recent incedence was when DH told a sales clerk that a young woman had waited on him and the clerk asked if it was a female who waited on him. Maybe female is more polite?

[Phoebe]

I ran into this recently when I was visiting where I grew up. I ran into a close friend I had in middle school and junior high (she moved when we entered high school). When we realized who each other was, the first thing out of her mouth to me was that I don't live around her anymore and that I married a doctor. I guess her mom had read our wedding announcment in the paper almost 5 years ago. I changed the subject really quickly and tried to get a conversation going. It was neat to run into her.

She didn't seem to want to talk to me and I left the conversation feeling very uncomfortable that she seemed to care more about who I married than anything else.

[Sheherezade]

I get this in the most unpleasant setting of all--my own family. We are a very medical family, doctors everywhere. Unfortunately, neither of my brothers went into the family business. When we all gather and my dad is bending my husband's ear off with business discussions, I get dirty looks from my brothers. They exchange them with each other as well. This is NOT a can of worms I want to open, so I just ignore it. Honestly, I can see how it is annoying to them but it's not like I married my husband to get brownie points. When I married him, he was an artist!!! Thank goodness my husband is clueless. It would upset him if he knew my brothers were resentful. I don't get a lot of this attitude elsewhere. Coming from the medical tradition, I get a lot more grief for not becoming a physician myself.

[migirl]

This hasn't happened to us (as in me and DH), but my dad is a doc and he still to this day introduces himself to people as "Mr. X" rather than "Dr. X" precisely because of people's perceptions.

I agree with everyone else, you have every right to feel proud of what you've accomplished. We shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable about the education and goals that we've achieved. DH and I both worked hard to get to where we are. We're still sacrificing and will continue to sacrifice for the foreseeable future. I'm fiercely proud of who DH is and what he's accomplished, if someone is intimidated by him then that's their own issue.

DH has run into similar stuff. At this point in the game (still in medical school) he gets a lot of "...oh I thought you would have known that" type comments. Just recently he was trying to post a picture to his blog and couldn't get the software to work. He asked a friend who replied by saying "You don't know how to follow directions. That doesn't bode well for your future career path". And even though it was said with a little laugh, it was the kind of thing that you knew wasn't a joke and reflected a lot on how that person sees you. I think some people who feel insecure react like in the examples others gave, and some feel like they have to prove they aren't stupid, or that they are "just as good as" DH The Medical Student. If they only knew how little DH knew about so many things!!

And I have a friend from high school who will call once in a while and tell me all about her life and how its really hard right now. She inevitably ends the conversating with 'But you wouldn't understand'. And no matter how many times I say 'YES! I DO understand! Lets get together!', she's got this idea of what my life is like that won't be changed. But then, she probably can't understand me, since my mouth is full of BonBons.

[Vishenka69]

Thankfully we haven't experienced such treatment, probably because in NY doctors are a dime a dozen and usually make less than computer or business people. On the contrary our friends feel bad for us.

ah, you should try being seen as the gold-digging man-ho that stays home.

ah, you should try being seen as the gold-digging man-ho that stays home.

*wiping tears from my eyes*

Matt, you crack me up!!

DH has had a hard time with one of his best friends from high school -- they really aren't that close any more. He just didn't understand how busy DH was and felt like he was being blown off. Too bad, because it wasn't true.