Anybody married to a surgeon/surgery resident?

I know that I am coming into this without the experience of most of the psoters. We are starting residency this summer. I may be the one who was "thrilled" that DH is going into General Surgery at Mayo. Well, actually, I am thrilled that it is Mayo. All of this talk has frightened me.

Medical school has been an experience for us - for the first two years DH would get up early (5 am) and go to school to study. He would come home for a quick bite of dinner (30 minutes max) and then return to school to study until 10:30 or 11:00. This was every weekday. The weekends were 6am-10pm at the school. I was home with 3 kids trying to work FT and be in grad school FT.

Second 2 years were okay. We had numerous rotations where I saw him and others where I did not. 4th year was where things changed. He had done his first 3 years in Duluth and needed to finish his 4th year in Mpls. I was pregnant with baby #4. He left in early April and came back for the birth of our DS in August. He stayed home for 3 days and then went back to rotations in the twin cities. I was home alone with 4 children (one a newborn) until he graduated in Dec.

Going into surgery I am interested to see how my perspective changes. I know that it will be tough - sometimes worse than others. I have heard that this residency program has a great support system for families of residents. I hope that this is true.

I can't change what he is going into, so I hope to make the best of it. Any advice for that?[/i]

I can't change what he is going into, so I hope to make the best of it. Any advice for that?[/i][/quote]
-----------------------------------------------
I'm not sure if I did that quote thing correctly...but I tried.

Miranda, I am sorry that my post was such a downer. I know that it is hard for those of you who already have surgery commitments to "listen" to some of these types of discussions. After reading your post I thought to myself, "What could have made things better for me when I was going through all of that??? What advice would I want???" Here's what comes to mind.

1. ASAP find community resources and jump in with two feet to get involved and make friends. What helped me the most during surgery was having a strong quick involvement with my synagogue and joining the Buffalo Philharmonic Chorus----between having babies. I had made earlier initial contacts with the synagogue and I knew the names of my landlord and next door neighbors, but otherwise, kept to myself, at first, just trying to get unpacked between trips to the bathroom. I remember the day when we had been in the Buffalo house for a few weeks and I had terrible morning sickness and hadn't finished ridding the place of all those boxes alone, yet. I picked up the phone and out of desperation called the synagogue office and said, "Um, hi. Remember me, I just moved here.....I am bored silly and sick of boxes.....and often quite nauseus. Can I come over there and help in your office or answer phones or DO ANYTHING (on a volunteer basis) please...like now?????" Well, they were quite happy to have me drop in whenever, to do filing and other assorted busy work. That was the beginning of wonderful things. I met so many wonderful people and during my second trimester, they gave me 2 paying jobs---one in the office and one teaching 3rd grade Hebrew school twice a week. When I had the first baby, they sent me a huge envelope filled with tiny decorated paper hats that all of my students had made for my baby. I still have that envelope. I worked on and off for them (wearing my babies) throughout my time there and made many wonderful close friends with whom I still correspond and call. My point is-----whatever your area of interest--------just call someone and get involved and make yourself available. Don't expect people to come running to meet you and help you without a willingness on your behalf to give of yourself, too. It made me really feel like a part of the community, very quickly.

2. Get the kids set up in activities/camp/rec programs, etc. ASAP so they can make friends and feel more settled. It will greatly ease their stress if you keep them busy and having fun and socializing---from the very beginning.

3. Spend a lot of time with the kids taking walks in the new neighborhood and checking out all the fun new parks and attractions.

4. I know of one surgery family who keeps an ongoing journal kind of a thing on the kitchen table. Whenever one of the older kids has something really special they want to share with Daddy or ask a question or if someone wants to draw a special picture for Daddy.....they draw it in the journal. Then when the surgeon in the family comes home, he/she writes and draws personal notes back to each child (or they can each have their own private journal with Daddy and not share with siblings). This can someday be a very special treasure for that child and they will look forward to finding their secret notes every day or so, if they don't get to have the personal contact they are used to.

5. It's also important for the spouse to have someplace to complain and have grownup time away from the kids and to NEVER burden the kids with your worries or complaints about the crazy schedule. That will only add to their own stress. Of course, the kids will have their own complaints, etc., and it will be important for you to validate them and not minimize them.

6. Try to set up "connection rituals" where Daddy can do something every day with the kids---even if they are asleep---like, kiss and whisper to them when he comes home and when he leaves each day or put the blue teddy bear on the chair to show that he was there or he can put a sticker on the shirt the kid will wear the next day and all day it will remind the kid that Daddy is with him in spirit at all times or he can look at their homework and put it in a special homework place to show them that he cares about their schoolwork. Also, make videos of all the big events--school plays, recitals, ball games, etc., that he will miss and then make a big point of sharing the videos all together so Daddy can make a big deal about how proud he is of their individual achievments....or have the kids perform for Daddy so he can see it for himself---when he is awake and alert enough to pay attention.

7. The key is to feel connected---even if you are actually spending very little time together. The adults will have to work at creating that connection and keeping it strong and vital. The doc has to be willing to make the extra effort even when they are beyond exhausted.

Those are just a few ideas that come to mind right now. I think they could apply to many of our situations and not just surgery.

[Flynn]

All of this talk has frightened me.

I can't change what he is going into, so I hope to make the best of it. Any advice for that?[/i]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On being frightened...GOOD. Being aware of the difficulties, even a little bit, NOW can make a huge difference. Recognize you have taken on a potentially devestating burden and never forget it. That way, when DH has some stolen moments with you the attitude will be, "You know, I think I can make this work. We just had a connection I will remember for a long time." instead of, "That's it??? That's the extent of my time with my husband for the week???" Denial that things are difficult is a first class ticket to big problems in your marriage.

On making the best of things....never expect anything from your husband. Not a phone call, not a note on the mirror in the bathroom, never expect him to take the trash out, buy groceries or pay bills, and NEVER EVER trust that if he says he'll be home by X it will be true. Something always comes up and he will probably not even be able to call you to tell you coming home isn't an option anymore. He will want to be hopeful, but disappointment on a regular basis is one of the difficulties with this profession. If I had a dollar for every time DH "thought" he'd be home at a certain time, we could retire and head off to somewhere tropical.

Finally, pay attention to Laurel's post. It has some excellent suggestions.

Good luck and know we are here!

[houseelf]

Miranda,

My suggestions for improving a hellish residency (caveat: since this is DH's second year in the lab, we have never operated under the 80 work limit yet so I'm still going under this assumption).

1. Get a cell phone. We didn't have them until recently because of the costs and I think that this might have made at least a small difference in the beginning. I don't allow him to tell me "I'm coming home" until he is in his car physically driving. Further, since I didn't have a cell phone the first three years, there was frustration on his part on the rare occasion when he got off at a decent hour and the munchkin and I weren't there.

2. Do something, anything, for yourself or resentment will creep in. I think this is why I'm freakish about running. It is one little tiny portion of my week that is all about selfish ol' me. I support everything and everyone else 98% of the time. I swear that I desperately need to have a time that others have to deal without mom. DH has come to understand that him watching the kids while I get in a run is part of the deal of this residency.

3. Come to this website often. REALLY, It isn't you, it is the residency. Chant this to yourself often.

4. Make sure that you do things with nonmedical types to get you out of your own little world. This may be difficult in Rochester, however.

5. In our house, DH tries to call me by 6 p.m. everyday just to give me a heads up. There has been a few times when this hasn't happened or a scrub nurse is kind enough to call me to let me know that he is still scrubbed in and will be awhile (bless their kind, kind souls). Now that he is getting more senior in the program, he may be able to use the speaker phone. We'll see.

6. Take your children to the hospital to see daddy. This way they will know that he isn't just hanging out somewhere else but working to help people. Hell, this has even helped me deal with hsi long hours. I'll never forget the time when I had to drive him after his dental surgery to Regions to check in on a family whose only son was being taken off life support that day. My husband, with a puffy jaw and rendered incapable of driving due to pain meds, returned to the hospital just to check in on this family. This made a huge impression on me.

If I think of more, I'll post it here.

Best of luck, Miranda. Don't let a downer like me scare you off.

Kelly

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with such brutal honesty – both you and your partners sound like amazing people who have taken on the most “challenging” of journeys.

Given that a couple cannot imagine what a surgical residency will be like until they have lived it for themselves, your collective wisdom (from the spouses’ perspective) has been invaluable.

In a best-case scenario, (matching at a residency near family support, with avg weekly hours between 70-90 hrs, little trauma service, q4 call, etc.) I’m tempted to believe that such a journey could be a mutually rewarding challenge.

In a worst-case scenario, (e.g., matching out-of-state at a malignant program) I would not hesitate to give up my pursuit of a surgical career. Maybe that sounds blasphemous for a doc-to-be, but nothing is worth putting my wife through such a lonely/trying 5 years of her life.

My conflict is that I cannot guarantee where I will match for residency no matter how qualified I think I am. The match process is a gamble. If it was just me, I could easily roll the dice. But I’m not sure I’m comfortable rolling the dice for my wife.

At this time, I’m still trying to see if anything else will appeal to me (I’ve tried to get enthused about anesthesia and PM&R to no avail). If I end up leaning towards pursuing orthopaedics, then at that time I will ask my wife to carefully digest your thoughtful posts/stories here on medicalspouse.org. However, until then, I don’t want to burden her with having to cast a veto on a path that she may never need to consider.

Again, thanks for all your advice – I really liked your tips on how to keep Dad connected with the kids!

Best of luck to your families ... I hope that all of you will be able to look back someday and be glad that you chose the journey that you did -- you each deserve that pot of gold (figuratively ... and I guess literally too!) at the end of the rainbow.

[Amiens]

"That's the day that Daddy was home!"
"I like it when Daddy has dinner with us."
"Is this a party? Daddy is usually at work."
"Daddy do you live at the hospital?"
"Will Daddy be here?"
"My Daddy would be here but he's at work instead."
"Daddy will you read me a story tomorrow too? PLEASE!!"

We are not in a surgery residency, and we still hear comments like these from our 3 yr old daughter. Residency is hard period, but I think the severity of it can be lessened. My hubby is doing anesthesia, and did it because he didn't love surgery enough to want to subject his family to the lifestyle that is offered during residency and beyond.

I second others' comments= don't focus in on one specialty. Look to see if there are other specialties that might appeal to you. Just a suggestion. That's what my dh did, and ended up finding he loved anesthesia more than anything else. Kept a very open mind until it was time to apply.

One other thing- about trauma and case load. My dh has heard the same thing. It seems if you go to a program that sees lots of trauma then you get worked harder, just nature of the beast. However, there are rural surgical programs, and not get worked as hard (so we have heard), yet you would be making sacrifices on seeing a variety of cases.

Either way there will be sacrifices to be made.

Hope this helped!
Crystal