Here we go

[houseelf]

The clock is showing a new day. Today is DH's last day in the lab. He has Wednesday and Thursday off this week and then he starts clinicals on Friday. PGY6 here we come. DH starts the first weekend off with a bang: Friday and Sunday call. They have arranged the schedule so he is either on call (and gone) all weekend or off all weekend. I *hope* this works out better.

Since I have to describe every little twinge of pain , you all know that in late April/early May we went through some growing pains at the thought of returning to this lifestyle. Recently, we have come back to our easy, safe place with each other. It is what it is. We have to finish because we are too far gone.

I recently realized that while residency absolutely sucks, part of this "suck factor" can be attributed to DH's workaholic ways. I think if he was a teacher/pilot/grocery store owner, he would have a hard time establishing a work/life balance. In the call room, a fellow surg spouse/survivor called her DH a pager monkey. My mental imagery is more of a beloved working dog that has to get his "Atta boys" even though the humans are abusing him (and as a corollary to this--his family).

The good news is that I'm in a happier place and more mature than I was during the first three years. DH and I have a lot of good times to buffer us and we are very devoted to one another. I love my kids and I have great work/life balance. I will miss DH, but I'm in a better stronger place. My anxieties are high, but I guess will just have to make this work. What choice do we have? Sometimes I have a really hard time cleaving away which stressors are self created and which are real. Seriously, is this me? Maybe things ARE rough all over and I'm just giving myself too much credit. I don't know. Almost all of my thirty-something friends with kids are peeing their pants right now about money. Regardless of how the media spins it, the economy is in the crapper. At least there is hope that someday we will be in a better place financially.

Sorry for the blog. Please send loving, warm thoughts my way. Oh yeah. I had dental surgery yesterday and tomorrow. Honestly, the physical pain was less than the $280 copay.

Po' po' pitiful me.

Kelly

Ugh, dental surgery is not much fun. I hope you are feeling better!

I know you have been dreading this day. I agree with what you said that it is in some ways different (80 hr week, weekend schedule) and you are different people going in to it. How does he feel about going back?

[houseelf]

For as crazy as I am, he is the most calm, levelheaded person. His response to everything is "We'll get through it" which is both soothing and infuriating at the same time. Sadly, I stress out enough for the both of us.

Kelly

[Vanquisher]

It's so hard to have a workaholic husband! I am with you on the worrying enough for the both of us. My husband just lets things roll off his back so easily. I guess you have to - to be able to endure the abuse of this life.

He's right though, you will get through it. You have done it before, and now you can use all the things you've learned to get you through. I'm counting on you for advice on how to get there myself. Your marriage is likely a lot stronger than it was, and you are a lot stronger than you were. In the end though, you have to know, it is okay to have those weak moments.

Breathe.....

Kelly-- I don't know what to say. I haven't even begun to be in your shoes. Just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and your family. Like others have said, maybe this time around it will go better as you have learned alot. I know that when we have time, REAL time together before an upcoming move, baby, crazy rotation, etc... I can rely on our strnegths we find in each other as I am trying to cope with what is going on at the moment. Anyway,

I forgot --

[migirl]

Kelly,

I wish you all tremendous luck and strength in facing these next few years of training. I will be feeling your pain exactly one year from now, as my DH will be coming out of his research year and facing clinicals. It sounds like you are in a good place and have a good attitude about it.

[Sheherezade]

I recently realized that while residency absolutely sucks, part of this "suck factor" can be attributed to DH's workaholic ways. I think if he was a teacher/pilot/grocery store owner, he would have a hard time establishing a work/life balance.

I had this realization in fellowship and it was a turning point for me. Sadly, my DH works like a dog even though he has now become the attending. He has been struggling to learn how to work less -- it is surprisingly difficult for him. Being done with training is a double edged sword; they are more free to have time away from work, but they can still schedule themselves to death if they like. I would suggest that you use the next two years (Is that right?) to work out how much time you would like for him to reserve for the family. Do you expect him home for dinner? Around in the morning? For us, we have finally settled on him staying late several nights of the week and taking half a day on his academic day (good bonus!). Morning seem to always be early because of the OR scheduling and meetings, so no use pining for that here.... Figuring out what kind of time schedule you need is important for his job hunt - eventually. If he truly is a workoholic, then you will be struggling with this isssue after residency as much as during. Hopefully, he will be so tired of working like a dog that he will look for more reasonable hours. Be careful when job hunting down the road that you go to a place that doesn't have a terribly competitive culture. If we were at such a place I'm sure the battle would continue ad infinitum. As is, we are at a place with a very family friendly staff and DH gets to feel like the hardest worker in town and still make it home for dinner occasionally. Hopefully this coming year will be the hardest of your two remaining. Then, you can spend your last year focused on job hunts and moving to get you through. Dig in this year and just muddle through. I know you can make it; even so, my sympathies are with you.

[HeartRN]

For as crazy as I am, he is the most calm, levelheaded person. His response to everything is "We'll get through it" which is both soothing and infuriating at the same time. Sadly, I stress out enough for the both of us.

Kelly

My husband's the same way...in fact, he says those same words all of the time. And, shocker---I am exactly like you in my response! Take care of yourself....and you guys will definitely get through it!

[Flynn]

Wow, the end of the lab AND dental surgery. Talk about kicking you when you're down.

To be a bit more serious...you sound very healthy about all of this. Truly you sound great. "It is what it is." True true true true.

I have decided that through all the unpredictabilities and suckiness this lifestyle heaps on the people involved, how the DOC DEALS with the things he can control makes all the difference.

We've learned this the hard way I am afraid but the good news is, we have learned this. My DH has finally leaned that, "NEWSFLASH, being defensive when wife is having a hard time with the lifestyle is not a great way to handle the situation. Rather, listen, be supportive, and don't make more work for her when you ARE home is the better plan of attack."



It sounds elementary but I can't tell you how this new "montra" of ours has helped out a ton. Also, I try and laugh when I want to cry 30% of the time. The other times, I CRY because I will release the really passionate anger/and keep the more subdued feelings.

I feel your pain and I hope for both of our sakes this year FLIES BY!!!!!

The 80 hour workweek (if it is followed) is a big difference from 110 - 120 hours. Those years WERE SO FREAKIN' HARD!!! But they are (mostly) in the past now.

Hang in there. Post often. We've got your back.

[Phoebe]

Brace yourself! Think of how far you have come in the last few years! Here's hoping the next two years pass quickly!

[SueC]

Wow, that lab year sure seemed to go by fast. Hopefully the next two will speed by as well. It does sound like you guys are in a much better place as well. I hear 'ya about the workaholic husband bit--my dh is starting his attending position in a few weeks and I know once he sets foot back in the ICU he will start working like a maniac again.