Crossing the Dr/DH line

Hello everyone, Happy Friday!!!

i haven't been on here since my first post a little over a week ago. However a conversation that I just had with a coworker left me feeling alone and misunderstood, so I decided to rush on here and talk to some people who could understand what I mean.

So, a co-worker and I went to a baseball game yesterday. Via an IM conversation, I told her I was sun-burned (I didn't know I was going to the game until I was already at work and didn't have sunblock with me), and mentioned that hubby was not happy. She immediatley took it as he was mad. So I told her he wasn't mad, just concerned. The latest journal he is reading is about skin cancer and it just worries him when I get burnt. She made a comment that I am lucky to have a dr in the house. This was my chance to talk to someone about some stuffed feelings, so I said, yeah it's cool with the little stuff, but when it is something serious enough for me to go to the doctor he doesn't want to interfere, so we can't really talk about it. She writes back booooo and that was it.

NO, not boooo!!! I want someone to understand. It's so frustrating. I don't know where all of you draw your line. My hubby does not want to be my or our future children's doctor. He does not want to confuse the line so he stays away from most things medical. If I go to the doctor and come home and tell him about my appointment, what the doctor said, what my treatment options are, etc., he automatically goes into dr mode. He doesn't want to give me his dr. view or diagnoses. I tell him I just want him to relate as a husband not a dr., but he doesn't know how to do that. I mean I can't blame him. He hates that he can't be there for me in that aspect of my life.

Anyway, it's just frustrating. Hubby and I have a very close relationship, however sometimes I feel that his profession is a wall between us that we can never be without. It's the nature of the business, he has to be private, he has to hide any client information from me, he has to be careful about what he can and can not tell me about his day, he has to pull away when I need a husbands advice on medical things, because he is a doctor. Arghhh!! I love him, and I am so proud of him for helping so many people everyday. Sometimes it just gets to me. Know what I mean??!!

[Amiens]

I completely understand your frustration. There are many times when I want "my husband" rather than the "in-house physician." My husband goes into doctor-mode on occasion. A couple of examples- Matt was afraid our daughter, who was 1 yrs. old at the time, had ADD because she would stand at her toy box, look at a toy and then fling it over her back; Then during my ultrasound with my son, Matt kept saying- "Is there enough amniotic fluid? That doesn't look normal, blah, blah, blah." Another example- giving birth to my son- I had requested an epidural, and he was asking the nurse how the anesthesiologist liked to administer the epidural- laying down or sitting up.

However, I have to admit there have been times where I am glad he has gone into doctor-mode. During the birth of our oldest, our daughter passed meconium and the OB attending couldn't determine if it was recent or had happened earlier on during my labor. I remember I was in my last push and had been pushing for almost 2 hours- Matt was helping me focus and counting for me. I was so tired. Anyway, by the looks on Matt's and the OB's faces something wasn't right. The OB looks at Matt and says "That looks like meconium. Do you want me to get the attending on-call pediatrician down here now?" Matt said "Definitely." Matt then looked at me and said "I want you to concentrate on pushing as well as you can this last push to get our daughter out. She's going to be just fine." I was scared out of my wit, but I was glad that I had a husband who is a physician. Our daughter ended up not aspirating the meconium thankfully. It was comforting that I could turn to him for making the decision.

Another instance- I had foot surgery about 5 months ago, and I was pleasantly surprised-- Matt hand-picked the surgeon, the anesthesia resident, and the anesthesia attending. I thought Matt would be in the OR with me, but he later told me "As much as I wanted to be in there making sure everything went alright, I didn't want to make the resident anesthesiologist, or anyone else for that fact nervous, because it's different when you have a family member in there."

When my hubby goes into doctor-mode and need my husband rather than the in-house physician I calmly and lovingly tell him that Dr. F needs to go take a break, and that I need Matt. When I need the reverse, I just say "Hey what do you think?" Sometimes he says he doesn't know and tells me to trust the physician or he'll give his opinion.

HTH,
Crystal

[DCJenn]

I'm sure that being married to other people in different professions has some issues. (I am sure because I WAS married to a person in a different profession!)

However, the general public has such wierd ideas about doctors that no one gets this lifestyle. (My mother said once, "wow, I don't think about doctors the same way now that we have one in the family." Um, they're really NOT Gods, they just sometimes act like they are!)

Anyway, I digress. I have the husband who NEVER goes into Doctor mode with me. and there are times when he sure could save me time if he would. However, with our son, he'll slip in to the pediatrician occasionally. Not when it's handy of course, but sometimes nonetheless.

I think it's got to be hard for them to try to walk that line.

Jenn

Mine is willing to spout off dr. info - but not when I want him to. When I was pregnant I'd ask a question & he'd say "I'm not an OB - I'm a pathologist - I haven't done that since med school" or worse, his frame of reference came from doing autopsies ... and I didn't want to go there". Same with peds related stuff. And when he DOES offer advice I usually choose to ignore it (especially w/peds related stuff). I've known him since we were 15 - it's hard for me to take him seriously as a Dr sometimes .

That said, when he does answer a question for a friend (or me) I do appreciate it. He won't be our doctor, but he will help translate and / or cut through the middle man.

[Meenah]

We have the opposite. My husband is triple boarded Internal Medicine/Critical Care/Pulmonary. I am a nurse, and he is my Primary. I have asthma so it helps to have him around sometimes!!
Luanne

Funny comment about taking him seriously...

It's not exactly the same as what you explain, my hubby was a doctor when I met him. Yet still, sometimes he'll tell me something scientific, or medical and I'll say "Are you sure?" or "How do you know?". I mean yes, I know he is a doctor, but to me he's just my husband, my friend, my buddy, not a doctor! I can't picture him as a doctor - I think it would be weird to go to work and see him in real Dr. mode.

I just found it great to hear you say that! So I'm not the only one huh?

[SuzySunshine]

I see what you mean to, my DH helps with some things but if I start asking too many questions or questions about areas he hasn't studied since medical school he says, I have no idea go find a doctor in that field.

[SueC]

I can so relate! I can totally see my dh's point, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. My dh absolutely will not play dr. to our kids--imagine how awful he would feel if he was managing their care and he missed something. But, it sucks for me because when they are really sick, I end up fielding everything myself and deciding when to take them in to see the doctor, when to take them to the ER, etc. After several arguments over this whole issue, I've pretty much accepted that I'm on my own most of the time (sometimes he does get involved with their medical care but usually not). Now I just call my mom when I need another "non-dr." opinion on myself or the kids.
Regarding the friend, I think people outside of this situation just will never understand. My friends have trouble drumming up sympathy for poor little me that is married to a doctor, even when he is gone on Christmas morning or is at the hospital until late at night. Oh well!

[Meenah]

Thank goodness we all have each other!!!!
Luanne

[Vishenka69]

DH doesn't like to go into the Dr mode. Whenever I ask him a question regarding something that's bothering me he says, "Go see a doctor" or "You should ask a doctor about that." But he will go to some appts with me. When I had an eye infection last winter he drove me to the office and went in to see the doctor with me. When we walked out, he said, "You're not taking that stuff, it's outdated and there's no reason he should be giving you steroids for a bacterial infection." He then called a friends who's an Optomology resident and she called in something else for me. I was very grateful he was there with me because I would have no idea I was prescribed steroids.

And he also hand picks most of the doctors we and his family uses.