Talk me down!

Help! I have hit my wall. OK- to summarize where I am coming from...DH is a fourth year student and we just sent in his application for interviews etc... This year has been a real adventure. I have been trying SO hard to stay positive but today it is just feels like too much. The part that is killing me is the unknown. Where will we live next year? Will he match? I just feel like it is all too much. Remember when this summer we found out that dh's sister has a brain tumor? Well, she is done with her 6 week treatment of chemo/rad and we are in the waiting stage until she is seen again and reevaluated. It feels like too much to wait! Also, at that same time we found out that we had miscarried baby #4 and we were so devastated as it was planned and to the tee so that we could have the baby before we moved (possibly) Now, we are thinking about trying again as we both want a large family and I don't like to have too big of an age gap between my kids. Am I INSANE? Somebody please talk me down! How could I even entertain the idea of a new baby at the start of intern year and in who knows where?! :thud: I am so stressed about the costs we will take on to actually interview. Where is the money supposed to come from? Just taking the flippin tests costs alot of money and the applying! :titanic: So, I am losing it. Tell me, how did you all do it? How did you make it through this "not knowing" process? I am a planner and I NEED to know. I have tried the "wait and see" and "life is an adventure" approach but today, it is not cutting it!

[mommax3]

One day at a time, Jessica.....it's the only way to survive in this lifestyle without losing your sanity! The waiting is horrible.....I remember it all too well. Adding in your concerns about your sister-in-law, and I can understand why you have hit the wall.

Try to break the time you have left into smaller bits and maybe that will help. Where is he applying? Is there more research you could do about those areas? About trying for another baby, intern year will be tough, no matter what. I had a baby in May of DH's intern year, and a close friend of mine (at the time) had one in March.....we both survived. I think it helped that it wasn't the first baby for either of us. I forget what specialty your husband is going into, but if you avoid the first half of intern year (or at least the first few months) it could be doable, depending on specialty. Just know what you're getting into!!!

About interview costs....someone else will have to chime in on that one, because DH didn't actually interview anywhere. He had tons scheduled, but found out the month before that the Air Force (where he did NOT interview!) was going to have him do an active duty residency, so he had to cancel the others. So, I have no experience to draw from!

Good luck....hang in there!

Sally

[Flynn]

At the risk of sounding like "Miss Mary Sunshine" here...

...the "not knowing" WAS WAY better then the reality of residency. I don't know what your DH is going into but here's a case where "ignorance is bliss." Sad but true.

The money stuff is a very real concern and I have no words of wisdom there but I would say that a three kids (????) PLUS a new baby during intern year sounds a bit uh shall I say, CHALLENGING???

Hang in there. The match will happen and hopefully you will be pleased with the result. THEN you get to experience intern year.

[Auspicious]

Re: Talk me down!

The part that is killing me is the unknown. Where will we live next year? Will he match? I just feel like it is all too much.

I hear you on this part, though I'm currently between freakouts, myself. A good thing about your situation is that as a SAHM you'll be taking your job with you and adapting it to the new place. I'd feel much better about my own transition if I had any kind of certainty about my job situation.

You do have a ton on your plate, but you seem like a seasoned juggler. I think you're going to make it through.

[spotty_dog]

I'm there with you. Life is turmoil right now, and the best coping mechanism I've got at the moment is just to live one day at a time and totally ignore the abyss that looms after Match Day.

[twinsmom]

Your post brought back some oh-so-familiar feelings! We just made it through internship year - WITH a new baby born in February of that hellacious year!! (And we still survived - almost - intact ).

Some of the things that we did fourth year to help the time - We got a big united states poster and put it on our wall, then put a pin everywhere he got interviews so we could have a visual of the possibilities. That made is really fun to see everything that was available. When I couldn't stand it any more, I would pick a place and learn about cost of living, houses, etc in the area.

We did a friends/family survey to have them guess where they thought DH would match. We posted that above the map, so even when people would drop by that we didn't know so well, they could add their 'vote'. That was fun because it got everyone involved in our crazy life and it was exciting to see different peoples opinions.

As for the money - we actually took out an extra loan (I think its called MEDEX??) that was specifically geared towards fourth years to help with interviewing expenses. If you are interested I could dig up more detailed information on it for you. That helped out a TON with interview expenses, and we were able to consolodate it along with the rest of the loans after graduation. It has a website that will let you know which med schools allow it (which is pretty much the majority of schools...).

As for the baby thing - yes, we got pregnant the month before we moved, which means I was sick/pregnant/broke/trying to mother twins ALONE, all while adjusting to a new place that I knew we would be moving from after intern year, so I didn't want to make too many ties. I had quite a few 'moment' during that year - but we made it through and it was quite doable - it actually made the time go by for me because I could count the time until baby was born, and then DH only had 3 months of internship left after that.

Well, that's just my .02. I so hope you start to feel better soon!! Good luck with the Match!

Jen B.

[PrincessFiona]

I hate living in limbo...It's so stressful! At least when you know where you are going you can being to google it, look for places to live and begin imagining your new life.

"life is an adventure" doesn't really cut it for me in those circumstances either, though looking back, I always remember it as an 'adventure'.

I say....start googling the places where he interviewing....find out as much as you can about the areas/schools etc so that you can be an active part of putting together the match list. Instead of feeling like you are at the mercy of his training or the system, you'll feel like you have a teeny bit of control.

Control always helps me. :>

[houseelf]

Jessica,

I have no words of wisdom, just a pat of the back and the stroke of the hair and a "there, there". You ARE going through a lot. These are normal feelings. To some degree, although maybe sans 3.5 kids, we have all BTDT and are trying to block out these memories. I know what this chaos is like, but it is short lived. You will get to a happier place. REally. Even a suzy sunshine like me.

Take care of you and bunker down.

Kelly

[DCJenn]

It is the not knowing that can make control freaks (like we medical spouses tend to be) a wee bit nuts. I've bene obsessing since last year about where we'll go from here. We all know where it will probably be but the nutcase in me wants to know NOW. We won't find out until December and this being the military, things often change at the last minute. (we live at the whims of senior officers)

In other words, we've all experienced the not knowing and it does make you crazy. I do the research of the areas stuff. Figure out where we'd live and what preschools are available and where the vet is (critical in my life- any old pediatrician will do but damn, I need a good vet!)

This place is the best for helping you down off the ceiling so come back often.

Jenn

Get away

I know this seems impossible, but is there anyway you and DH could get away even for one night? Call in favors, use a credit card, hock something, but get away! My DH and I were so stressed out when I went on a business trip to Chicago. We didn't have the money, but he found a $100 flight and flew out to meet me. It totally revived us and our marriage. Sometimes you just need a moment to think, focus and reconnect!

[Sheherezade]

Whatever you do, don't get fixated on one or two places and plan out your life there. I did that with both residency and fellowship and we got our "guess" wrong both times. Adds so much shock to the match.

I think the map on the wall is a great idea. You might also try some anti-worry tips like making lists of all the things you need to do (instead of letting them run wild in your head) and relegating planning sessions to one part of the day (instead of thinking constantly about the where and whats going through your head). At least give yourself a few hours a day to NOT think about it.

I say go for number four if that's what you want. As we all know - there is no "good" time. You might shoot for delivering when you know a few more people in your new area. DH will be busy and you will be the sole support for 3 little ones. Not exactly ideal. I tend to agree with twinsmom that having a new baby keeps your mind off the intern year stuff and makes it move REAL fast. Just keep your head down, and plow through.....

[spotty_dog]

Whatever you do, don't get fixated on one or two places and plan out your life there. I did that with both residency and fellowship and we got our "guess" wrong both times. Adds so much shock to the match.

I'm trying desperately to avoid this pitfall. It's exactly why I won't let myself do any real estate or other searches until we know more. I just keep thinking, "We'll manage, whereever we end up!"

THANK YOU everyone for your replies and ideas! Again, it always helps to know that others before me have done this and survived. I need to make myself look forward to this and find fun ways to deal with the unknown. DH received two more offers for interviews so that is helpful and we bought a map and are checking out alot of these places. Today is a much better day and I feel I can take it all on. You guys rock!

I'm lacking in willpower. I did real estate searches for.... every program DH interviewed at. It soothed my compulsive soul.

Jessica -- I'm glad that things look better today! I don't have a whole lot of advice other than to say that it seems like things kind of sort themselves out but I'm know that is not much help. I would get stressed out about a lot of the things you mentioned and that would interfere with my sleep. After I night of bad sleep, I was in the pits of despair. So, try to get good sleep if that is an issue for you.

Otherwise, I did research the places he interviewed at because I felt like I could know a little something about it in case he matched at it. I looked at the top choices more than the bottom ones and that turned out ok.

I would suggest checking with the financial aid office about additional loans for interviews. I seem to remember hearing that 4th years could take out more. ???? When DH interviewed for derm it was after medical school (no loans then!) and a wee bit stressful. Hello, rotating credit card balances and Hotwire! But it did all work out, even when I was sure it wouldn't. Oh, I can't remember is someone mentioned it, but respond to those interview offers right away. The dates fill and you don't want to be stuck with only one option.

Glad today is looking better!

[spotty_dog]

I probably will too...once he gets interviews!

That's the part I don't want to jinx. I'm driving myself insane between being totally confident that the offers will come pouring in after Nov 1, and being scared half to death that there won't *be* any. Bleah.

He did get his first offer yesterday. From an utter travesty of a program (he'd only looked at the fact it was in California, nothing else!). And the program he's doing his away rotation at has made some offers. But not to him.

*bites fingernails*