The good run ran out

[planet]

Help, some support please. Anything encouraging? Lie to me?

I was doing great there for a good stretch. The first couple of months of internship took adjusting, but then the last three months have been pretty good. Then yesterday my husband had the day off. We got together with another couple with all of our kids. We didn’t do anything, just hung out and had coffee and talked. It was fantastic. We had such a good time. Coming home I realized that we have not been out socializing just for fun for THREE years. Our last date was a dinner out at a school function where we were the token married couple. The last time we dressed up was for his med school graduation. Now my son is standing by the door ‘waiting for dad to come home.’ Dad won’t be home tonight. This is such an abnormal way of living. I just feel down.

I know you guys, I’m sure I’ll end up a bitter shrew or medicated. This is year 1!

So is the solution to stay in survival mode? Complain online? Marry an accountant?

Complaining online is helpful. We've all "been there done that" or "are there doing that" and know how you feel.

I would try to find a spouse group at your dh's hospital - I got a lot of support that way during intern year. Also, remember that intern year is often one of the worst, and things usually improve (even if only sporadically) after that.

What is your husband's specialty?

Good luck to you.

[Sheherezade]

May I first just say I'm so sorry you have to live like this. It isn't normal. But, given it's the way things will be for a long time coming you'll have to adapt. My advice is to develop your own social life - girl's night out, classes, whatever. Get the sitter just for you. I know it seems like an indulgence financially. If that's a big issue, do it sparingly. At least you'll get the interaction you need. Your husband probably gets some social time at work so don't feel guilty about getting some yourself. Secondly, I do think survival mode - at least low level - gets you through. When you're in a brutal rotation, you have to live day to day. If you can find out which rotations offer relief, make plans for those times. For your kids, it might be helpful to follow a calendar so they can see when Daddy will be home and when he will not. They can even mark off the days. (It works for prisoners in dungeons, why not residents?) Plan special things only when he's COMPLETELY off to avoid the disappointment factor. Hmmm. I guess that's all the advice I have. Mostly, hang in there. And post often. It does help to talk to people that understand.

[DCJenn]

Join any and all groups that interest you. Internship year I discovered several new and interesting yoga groups, trained for a marathon and found out that I entertain myself better than anyone else can.

The last two years, I worked on my professional life and as a result got a kick ass job during fellowship. This year, (we adopted in April and I stopped getting paid to get my ass kicked and now do it for free) BUT I joined several mom's groups both online and in person- exercise and non-exercise to get me the F out of the house.

I also rent my favorite kinds of movies from Netflix and when he's gone or studying, sometimes I make a cup of tea and sit back at watch something with subtitles after the little dude is asleep.

Make friends with yourself, #1. Because you will be entertaining you for a long time coming.

Jenn H

[SueC]

Good advice so far. I can totally identify with the letdown following getting to spend a good chunk of time with the spouse. My dh's first year of fellowship was one of my hardest (intern year was hard, too, but I was working outside the home then so if dh was on call I just stayed at work late and got caught up on paperwork). After about 5 or 6 months I got really good at carrying on in his absence. The kids got used to it, too. I still felt depressed sometimes that our lives were so "un-normal", but this is the guy I happened to fall in love with so I had to just make peace with it and figure out how to entertain myself, as everybody else mentioned. I joined some clubs, joined a running group, and read books like a fiend (still do, which suddenly bothers my dh now that he is around). Hang in there and come here when you need a listening ear!

[planet]

great advice/venting helps

Thanks...all good advice. I am well practiced at doing my own thing. In fact I don't get sad or even miss him most of the time. I guess a taste of what life was or could be again someday was enough to break through my well constructed single life. A good night of sleep helped and I am back to 'my' life. This is the first time I posted a downer day. It really helps to throw it out to the world. Wierd.

Nothing like kinship. I can relate to so many 'glamourous' moments. This site is fabulous!!
Janet

[Flynn]

I'm late here but it seems you have rallied already? Good for you.

Just when the dark seems to be closing in, you get a good nights rest, an old friend calls, you realize you have more in your checking account than you thought -- things like that happen and you take a deep breath and go on. That's really all you CAN do -- one of my intese frustrations at times.

Being in survival mode helps -- but that's a double edged sword too because when you do have "nice moments" with your family you are in survival mode and waiting for the other shoe to drop. THAT'S no way to live either.

Do what you can when you can. Hang in there.

Glad to hear your rallying...

Internship is a bitch, no doubt about it. I started thinking of myself as a single parent, trying to get along. I discovered that this is only semi-useful since my Dh would come home occaisionally and I'd would get funny about the invasion. Don't know if you've sat down with him for a quiet hour and said, "look, I just want to vent, don't take it personally or anything but I need to complain a little and let it out, so that I and we can get on with things with a good attitude." Sometimes it helps, depends on the spouse.

After the "single parent" episode, I became a French Country Mother. (Hey, at least I didn't have imaginary friends...yet) Independent, confident, everything goes my way, I love myself and eat small amounts of dark chocolate, dress nicely, red wine, sort of thing. (This was on the 'Build it and it will come' theory) Finally I started Blogging and making sure my spouse saw my blogs. This was the best release and way to view things with humor I had found.

Good luck

[planet]

Wow

Alison,
You and your spouse have dinner together? I am so impressed. That or maybe my family is just truly that pathetic.
Janet

[Sheherezade]

On the dinner issue -

For fellowship (the worst hours for us) I used to make two dinners. One in the crock pot and one for the kids. I'd usually have a drink and a salad with the kids unless DH was on call. When DH got home, we'd eat together. (And then go straight to sleep. Yeah, team!) Sadly, he still expects the two dinner routine on his late nights now that he's finished training. I have had to break the news to him that I will not be holding off dinner till 11 pm for the rest of my life. Not unless I move to Argentina and become a professional tango dancer, that is.

Not unless I move to Argentina and become a professional tango dancer, that is.

Under those conditions, I would make two meals a night.