New here -- having a tough time.

[Vanquisher]

Hi,
I tried to talk about this with my best friend today, and she just can't see past the idea that if he does a fellowship he'll make more money and then it will be easier to pay things off (she is not in medicine). I don't care about how much he makes eventually, right now I don't know if I can last that long! How do you decide what your family should and should not put up with?

Willow

No one really understands unless they have been there. I swear if I have to hear one more time about how this will all be worth it, I'm going to go all the way crazy (part way there right now). How can you justify all the sacrifices made with money, and not now money, but eventual down-the-road money? You can't. It is not justifiable. Sometimes it keeps me breathing though.

It is a two way street. Yes, his job is very demanding, but so is yours. He needs to see that. His absence only compunds the difficulty of your job. It isn't the average stay-at-home parent gig. It is so much more. It is giving up your career, moving, leaving support (family and friends), isolation, poverty, etc. He needs to understand that this is hard for you too.

As Dr. Phil says, you are either contibuting to your marriage or taking away from it. There is no neutral ground. If you are doing nothing, you are taking away. Medicine takes away from the structure of a marriage in a big, big way. All you can do is give what you can, do your best, come here and vent often, try to ignore my bitter and jaded posts, and try to help your husband to see that inspite of his tiredness, you need help too. You need him to be a husband and a father.

Good luck, and hugs. You are not alone!

[rainbabies]

[DCJenn]

Welcome aboard.

Well, as I'm sure others will agree, my blood pretty much ran cold while reading about the research/fellowship thing. You're right, they suck as much as any other aspect of this medical journey. (and really, just start referring to it as the 'unfellowship' because fellowship to me sound likes a group of nice people holding hands and supporting each other-but this is medicine.)

Post away. Your friends will not understand. My friend vents about the 2 hours her husband occasionally works late and the quarterly times he has to work overnight. OK. It's not fun. Try it monthly/weekly/daily!!!

The good news? If you haven't offed him, rumor has it that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Hi Willow,

I don't want to leave you hanging by not answering your post, but if you peek around this site you will realize that you are in lots (LOTS!) of good company with the issues that you have stated.

Welcome and post away. Good ahead. It feels so goooood to let it all out. You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I've complained about this lifestyle throughout the years. Oh, wait, you're going to read the archives. Nevermind, you will believe.

Kelly

[Meenah]

Welcome!!!! You found this site, which means you have found salvation from medical hell!!!!!
Luanne

[Ames]

Welcome,
Feel free to vent anytime, I'm not far enough into this whole process yet to be much help but if anyone understands your crazy lifestyle, it's these ladies and gents! Sometimes you just need to and then you'll feel much better. Amy

[planet]

Welcome

Hi Willow,

I'm fairly new to this site too, but would already credit it for carrying me through some of the more frustrating times of this year. The archives are great. I was ready to write up a long post, but then I found pretty much what I was going to say already said and commented on quite a bit. This is a great place to come for support. Humor too.
Janet