Who pays?

[houseelf]

I'm finishing up a week up at home with my parents and ILs. My mom pays for absolutely everything and then some. Even when I offer to pay, she laughs and says no. She says that it is the first time in her life that she isn't struggling and she wants to share her good fortune. She is generous to a fault.

My ILs pay about 50% of the time for our family and 100% of the time for DH's two siblings and their kids who are in a harder financial situation than us.

What is the norm in your family and did it change as your financial situation changed (i.e. training ended)? Has your situation caused problems?

Kelly

In our situation it did change.

Once Dh and I got on our feet after college his parents would let us pay for things like dinners out, entertaiment, nice gifts about half the time.

Now, since we are back in brokesville, they tend to do 3/4 of the paying, and we treat on the less expensive things...they might buy nice Chinese and pay for movies, buy nice gifts, and we'll pick up the tab for say,pizza.

This hasn't cause problems but I do think it makes things awkward becasue we simply can't afford to do the stuff we could a year ago.

My mom is on a fixed income so we always pay if we do something with her. It does make her really happy and help with her pride to be able to pay for dessert or something little though.

[SueC]

Funny you should mention that Kelly, I am home right now and grappling with that very same thing. My parents generally pay for everything, they always have. So do my in-laws. Both sets are very comfortable financially and I think they know that even in our first year out we aren't exactly "rolling in it". That said, I do try to pick up the tab every now and then, especially if the outing was my idea. Today, we all went to Kohl's because my parents wanted to buy Mitchell a coat (I forgot his and it is cold up here in Iowa). They were having fabulous sales, so I bought Mitchell a ton of new shirts, the girls each got a dress, and I got some new maternity clothes. I paid, and my dad said several times that he didn't intend for me to have to do that. I certainly didn't go to town, though, expecting them to pay for all of that. Even if $169 (that was all it came to) is merely a drop in the bucket to them.
Now that we are out, I plan on picking up at least one tab per visit. I imagine as time goes on and we get more comfortable, we'll pick up the tab equally. My dad kind of likes taking his girls out, so I doubt it will ever shift completely.

[Rapunzel]

We pay - 100%. And, we also usually pay for my family and my inlaws as well - 100%. Both of our families are far too poor to afford to feed us, entertain us, clothe us, etc. when we visit them (or when they visit us). We even pay for the airline tickets for any family members that would like to visit (be they my parents, my mil, my bils, or my siblings and all of their spouses). Even in residency my husband and I are doing far better financially than ANY of our other family members have EVER been. It's kind of hard in a way because my husband is the safety net for both sides of the family. Not that he has any stress or anything from that reality.

My parents insist on picking up the tab when we go out together, unless DH or I can beat them to the punch. My mom also insisted on paying for some of the furniture we bought for the nursery and other baby paraphernalia. I do feel very uncomfortable when my parents pay for things, especially now that we are out of training, but I think they do it because it makes them happy.

As far as MIL....she doesn't pay for anything. It never fails that whenever we go out to eat, she conveniently "forgets" her purse at home so DH and I end up paying the bill. It doesn't bother me now, but it used to when we were in school and were flat broke. Once when DH was in med school, she invited him (and not me, but that's a whole 'nother thread) to go to Disneyland with her, loser SIL and her two kids, and loser cousin and her two kids. When they got to the front gates, MIL said that she "forgot" her wallet at home so DH ended up having to pay for everyone's tickets, food, and souvenirs. DH ended up shelling out about $450 that day.........

[Vishenka69]

We're slowly trying to wean our parents from paying for us and buying us staff at random. In med school, they'd buy us groceries, pay for all books and tests for DH and help out with vacations. Once residency started we tried to limit this as much as possible because even though they still make more than us, they need to save up for retirement and we're no longer struggling. Every time I'm in a store with my mom, I have to put up a fight if I want to pay for my own stuff. In order to pay for their birthday dinner, I had to sneak my credit card to the waiter. Now our parents decided that we need a bigger car to deal with the snow and to buy a place and since we're not buldging on either, they'll give us a downpayment for both. We argue about this at least once a month. We really appreciate all their help but at times it feels as the help is being shoved down our throats. Didn't mean to sound so bitter. We really have a great relationship with both sets of parents.

[Cumberland]

My parents used to pay for everything- meals, entertainment, etc. When we would go to a store, and I would try to buy myself something, my dad would try to pay. Now they dont do that anymore, but they do pay for most things when we are together. When we vacationed over Christmas, DH and I bought a fair share of the groceries, etc, but when we got home my parents insisted on paying us back. My dad always says, just you wait honey... your turn to pay is coming!

DH's dad used to let us split the bill when we would eat out, now they almost always pay but DH usually slip the waiter the CC once or twice. When they come to visit they want to eat out every single meal which honestly gets old, especially since they only want to eat at the same chain restaurants. THey just visited us last weekend, with MIL's sister and FIL's sister as well. I noticed that FIL paid for everyone the whole time.

[Rapunzel]

Are the majority of the people on this site from solid middle to upper class backgrounds? I've had a suspicion for a long time that my husband and I are the only ones from a true working class/poor background on this site. And, he's noted that a majority of the people who ended up in his medical school class and residency program all seem to hail from fairly well-to-do families so maybe the demographics of people in the medical profession are that they have moderately wealthy family backgrounds.

You'll have to forgive me, but when I read about some of the things your parents pay for - for their own grown children - it boggles my mind! I mean, my parents (and my inlaws as well) couldn't afford to pay for many of these things when we were kids, let alone now when we are grown-ups! Just for background on my shock and awe: My mother made most of my outfits growing up, we lived in a house where squirrels had eaten through the ceilings (and rain poured in through the holes), we often had to rely on church welfare to have anything to eat, and, for a time, my husband's family was actually homeless (and lived in a tent). My parents have never had a vacation to a destination - ever (didn't have the money even for a honeymoon). And, most of the people I grew up with and know even today cannot afford these luxuries. So it's just another universe - the idea of parents continuing to pay for things that were extreme luxuries even for a child well into a child's adulthood - and I'm having culture shock taking a peak at seeing how the other half live/lived.

I honestly don't know if it is a good or bad thing that any of your parents still feel obligated to pay for luxuries for you and all of your children. I just want to let you all know how incredibly blessed you are to have parents with those means and the inclination to use those means for you all, their loved ones.

[DCJenn]

Jennifer, don't assume that because people have well to do parents, that our parents started off that way. What did/do my parents pay for? for starters, my undergraduate education as they had to finance theirs. My first car, because my mom didn't have her own car until my dad bought her a used 10 year old Saab. When she was 30. Dinners out and theater tickets and symphony concerts and art classes and ice skating lessons and my brother's football league (and baseball, and basketball and swimming) and back to school clothes and even now- they'll treat when we all go out. People don't strive to be poor. My mother attended college on a four year scholarship because she was TOO POOR to afford it and therefore busted her butt in high school. My dad paid for his college education by working at a steel mill and the University library.

But, they're about to retire and we're about to have a serious jump in income. I expect that when they need support as they age, they will come and stay with us.

and my MIL lives in a trailer with high school education. None of my husband's siblings has a college degree with the exception of one who went to RN school. (two years). My husband jumped out of airplanes and defended his country as an 18 year old. So, no, not everyone is lucky enough to come from a privileged background.

Jenn

When my mom or dad come to visit (they buy their ticket or drive), they usually contribute to groceries or take us out for a meal or two. They don't feel *obligated* -- they are able and *want* to. If they couldn't, that would mean that we don't go out and I, of course, would still pay for the groceries. It is something they like doing.

Their financial situation now is different from when I was younger and I think my childhood was more financially stable than their early childhoods and theirs MUCH more stable than that of their parents. All of my grandparents came from meager financial backgrounds that are very different from what they have now -- due largely to a lot of hard work in businesses they started. Same for my parents. I truly appreciate the ways they have been able to help us.

[Rapunzel]

Well, I know that Rick's family actually sounds like my own extended family. Seriously.

But, I just really am in awe of what people's parents pay for. My parents didn't strive to be poor - but they never had the money for anything like lessons (of any sort - sports or music), theater tickets (heck, we didn't even have the money to go to a movie theater ), etc.

Now that my husband and I DO have the income for these things for our kids I seriously vacillate between wondering if all of this "stuff" is good or bad for my own children. And, we're starting to venture into figuring out what we will pay for when our kids are adults (such as college - neither of us had our parents pay a cent for our educations and we both feel that it was a good growth experience for us to have to pay for ourselves). I acknowledge that my children benefit from learning the piano and how to swim as well as ballet and basketball.

But, I wonder if we will pay for our grandchildren's lessons? Or will we continue to pay for our children's own luxuries as they become adults as well? This is something my husband and I are grappling with because we come from a world where you don't have the money for dinner at IHOP - let alone a trip to Disneyworld. It's just another universe to both of us.

Where do you draw the line between just making your adult children happy and spoiling them when it comes to paying for luxuries? I honestly don't know - neither of us have any experience in this matter.

Well, I guess those lessons are luxuries and not necessities. If you don't have money to pay for them, I don't think that you are denying your children or harming them.

If you can afford them, they are nice extras. I think swimming lessons are a great thing (if you can afford them) because knowing how to keep yourself from drowning is an important life skill, IMO. Piano or music lessons are about more than the just the musical skill I think. I don't consider that spoiling but again do not consider it depriving your child if they don't have lessons or classes or whatever. You can also start a whole discussion about over-scheduled kids and problems with that.

I haven't thought much about when my kids are adult children. I guess it will depend on the circumstances. Are they working through a long training period -- residency, graduate or PhD degree -- or starting their own business? Have young kids with a spouse doing that? I think I would be much more helpful in that circumstance. Or are they...freeloaders ? Not as helpful. :>

When we were still training, the in-laws paid for things like tickets to visit them (twice in five years), my parents would take us to dinner when they came to visit. That was about it.
When I was growing up, we weren't 'poor' but we never went without. My Dad worked his a** off so that we could do the things that we wanted, activity-wise.
I bought my own car, they paid the insurance, I made my own spending money, they gave me some money(small amount, as I was on scholarship and couldn't work) when I went to college. Other than that, that is about it. Today, they would sell the farm for their grandkids though....as would my in-laws, if they owned one.

I have a feeling that the goods that have been purhcased/given to us from the in-laws is a buttering up...as we will be the ones to take of them when they are older....which, we have been figuring on from day one.

[Cumberland]

My DH grew up in a trailer park and was born to a 16 yr old mom and 19 yr old dad who divorced when he was 2. I dont consider that well to do.

Spoiling adult children is paying their cable bill while they spend money on days at the spa or bags of stuff at Saks, not grabbing the check at Perkins, paying for some textbooks or buying plane ticket so the kids can afford to come home once a year without going into debt for it.

FWIW, DH's parents were teachers, grandparents factory workers and farmers. Mine were factory workers. Neither my parents nor DH's grandparents finished high school.