SAHM

[Gwendolyn]

Um...I am not sure if this really belongs on the debate board...I guess I am more curious about your own choices, rather than a debate about what is right...so I put it here. After catching up on my dooce blog, she was talking about an interview with an author on Good Morning America who claimed that educated SAHM's were taking a giant leap backwards and flipping the bird at feminism.

I feel pretty confident that if you asked even people who don't know me that well what my political views were, the word feminist would pop up. However, if we could afford it, I would stay home for however many years we had young children.

Do you all see a conflict? How/why have you made your choices? From Dooce.com: What did your mother do? How did you feel about it? What would you want your daughters to do?

oops crying child. I will post the links tomorrow

I saw Good Morning America on Thursday and then the dooce blog later.

I felt a little beaten down after seeing the guest -- her comments and delivery were really degrading, IMO. As was observed, Hirshman has a book to sell and taking a soft approach wouldn't drum up much interest, right? Having done the full-time, part-time, SAHM thing, I know there is always someone out there more than happy to pass judgement on any of those choices. It really ticks me off that women aren't a little more supportive of each other across the board. With DH's end of residency in sight, I am thankful to be able to make the decision to stay home. Many days I would prefer to be working part-time (which has turned out to be complicated, somewhat by DH's career choices). I wish there were better part-time options for women AND men and that there was more acceptance of SAHDs and inclusion of men in these discussions.

I wonder what things will be like once both of my kids are in school full time. What will I want to do then and what will work best for my family? I know that if I want to go back to similar work, I will likely pay for the gaps in my resume. Is this part of my motivation in considering having a third child -- further delaying these decisions? I don't know. I think this is a complicated topic on a personal and poulation level.

My mom stayed home until I was 8 and worked part-time after that. She was really not in a happy place which had little do with her work status, IMO -- or little would be solved by it. Knowing that logically, it is still hard for me to answer a question of what do I wish she did because it was about a whole lot more than employment. I hope my daughters are happy with whatever they choose and I hope I can help support them in carrying out those decisions.

[mommax3]

Do you all see a conflict?

Not really. Like it said on dooce.com, I think the real progress is that *I* can make this choice for myself, without feeling coerced to be home with my kids, or to work outside the home.

How/why have you made your choices?

I have stayed home since the beginning, even though DH was in med school and that left us without any income, because that is what I had always wanted to do when I had kids. I considered daycare for about one minute, (and had worked in that field during college) but here were my conclusions: a)I was a young teacher and couldn't have afforded the kind of childcare that would have been acceptable to me; and b) I worked in a town 45 minutes (via interstate) away from where we lived, so would I leave the baby where we lived, with no adult close by (because you KNOW that DH, as a med student, was not going to be able to come and get the baby if he got sick) or would I travel 45 minutes each way with the baby every day, leaving for work at 6:15 every morning, on roads that were sometimes pretty treacherous in the winter? No good decisions there! c) I could have gotten a new job, but "proving myself" to a new bunch of kids/fellow teachers/administrators combined with being a new mom AND the knowledge that we would be moving in two years just didn't seem worth it to me. So I stayed home.

What did your mother do?

My mom stayed home until the youngest of us (I was the oldest of four) was in school all day, and then she went back to school full-time herself....she had been going part-time for a few years by then, but was always home when school got out. I was 12 when she went back full-time, and had to hurry home from school so that I would be there when my youngest (handicapped) sister's van brought her home. If I had a rehearsal or something after school, it required a lot of advance planning because my next-younger sister was just not strong enough (at that point) to deal with getting the wheelchair off the lift, up the driveway, and into the house. We all had things we HAD to do after school.....there is no way we could have made it through if my mom had still been responsible for all the housework and cooking as well as school. Participating in sports was out of the question.....I finally got to be in marching band in high school because my little sister went to school at the same school where my mom (now graduated) taught, so she just kept her in her classroom once school was out. It was a lot of responsibility for us, but it kind of went without saying that we were working together towards a goal and a better life of not being dependent of my dad's support checks, which oftentimes didn't arrive.

How did you feel about it?

I guess I kind of addressed that above. I didn't prefer it! My mom didn't really complain about her situation, but the fact that she waited until we were all in school to go back to classes full-time stuck with me, as well as the fact that none of us were ever in any kind of childcare program. I always knew that her preference (had she not been divorced) was to be at home. And there were definitely times during jr. high and high school that I felt lonely and wished she had been more accessible when I needed to talk or whatever....but I didn't say anything because I knew she was doing her best.

What would you want your daughters to do?

Well, I don't have any daughters, but I guess eventually I will have some daughters-in-law, and I will work on loving them and keeping my mouth shut if my opinion doesn't match their choices. I will encourage them to do what they need to do to feel "alive", whatever that is. I will share my thoughts if asked. I have often thought that if I had career training that would let me make good money while working part-time, I would have chosen that route......but it is water under the bridge at this point. I feel very blessed to be home at this stage of the game. I love sending the boys off to school in the morning, but I also love volunteering in their classrooms (I help once a week during math in each boy's class) and subbing occasionally wherever I am needed. If they have a special event, I can be there without moving heaven and earth. I am also really loving these last couple years with my youngest before he starts school.....with the other two boys, by the time they were this age, I had another baby, so being able to focus solely on Nathan is a gift. Bottom line.....I am a people person and choose jobs that involve me in others' lives....that is where I thrive. However, I am intimately involved in three little boys' lives.....and I don't want anything else to subtract from that. The teacher that I was before I had kids of my own would not have anything left once work was over, and I can't function that way now. SO, I guess I flip the bird at the stress that I *should*, as a responsible, educated woman, be feeling at this stage of my life. I choose not to put myself and my family through that.

Sally

[PrincessFiona]

My mother worked as a nurse while I was growing up...and her job was always a source of pride for me. Occasionally, when we moved (my dad was military) she worked for education centers, etc and I never minded going to daycare (I thought it was fun!) or felt that I suffered in any way.

I assumed that I would do the same when my own children came along, but when they placed my little boy in my arms, I ended up changing my plans...and quitting my job.

I have had times during the last 11 years where I have been a full-time sahm, a part-time working mom, a part-time student, and a full-time student....All of these things I have done when the time was right in my life and I needed something for me. I don't regret the times that I stepped out and took care of some of my own needs. I am a happier, better mom when I am well-balanced.

I am not of the belief that the only way to raise children is to be a full-time sahm and competely give up all of your dreams and who you are. I love my children and being with them, but I also enjoy working. I enjoy challenging myself and it has taken me years to be able to say that I am OK with the idea that I will go back to work again...when the time is right. I am not just a mother. Life is short and even the years we spend raising our children fly by...we have to embrace our own happiness too.

I go through periods of loneliness, isolation and feel that I'm not living up to my own potential at home. There is a huge, huge pressure nowadays to stay home...that working even part-time is almost a kind of child abuse or something. The mantra goes "If you aren't going to raise them yourself, why have them". I think this idea is unfair to women who have studied and planned for their lives and also want to have something for themselves.

I'm at peace with the times that I've chosen to work...and I'm at peace with the fact that I'm at home right now...I also know that in a few years, I will begin reaching out towards the 'outside world' again...and I'm totally ok with that....so are my kids, btw. My daughter cried when I gave up my part-time job teaching at the U here because she had dreamed of growing up and being my student someday. She loved coming and helping me 'prep' and telling her friends about some of our labs. She didn't suffer.

I hope that my daughter(s) grow up and fulfill their dreams....without feeling pressured by any authors or mothering groups or nutso bra-burning beasties.....I would hope that if they invest time and themselves into an education that they would be able to continue at least part-time if they want....but if they would choose to stay-at-home it would be ok too.

[DCJenn]

My path to SAHM was sort of all perfectly timed:

We adopted Nikolai, my contract was due to end, I was a nutcase- I quit, we got Nikolai 6 weeks later and the contracted ended this summer so I'd be out of a job anyway.

I plan to look for a job in San Antonio but I wanted to be home with him for as long as possible since he came from an institutional setting, albeit an excellent one. We really want him to 'know' that he is loved and wanted and that his first 13 months were anomolies. and we wanted to make sure that if we noted any developmental disability or speech/language, (etc.) issues they could be immediately attended to.

I miss work, and I miss the excitement of the day to day world of the MR/DD field. But, I'm also not willing to settle for a middle management position which may mean that I'm out of work longer than I originally intended. I achieved a pretty high pinnacle in my last job and it's going to be hard to top.

Am I the world greatest SAHM? Absolultely not. But I think I'm doing a pretty good job and that he knows that he's our world. I do think he'd benefit from some sort of socialization a few days a week but there's no point in starting that until we move anyway.

Jenn

Edited to add: my mom quit a very high paying job with NSA (yes, THE NSA- She was a Vietnamese translator) to stay home with me because "that's what was done". and to this day I know that at least a part of her regrets it- but she did like being able to stay home with us. She also babysat two other kids so she had 4 under 5 every day Monday-Friday. I was glad she was home, and ours was the house that everyone came to after school because no one wanted to go home to an empty house.

Edited Part Two: Unlike many of the SAHMs on this site, I'm older and worked in my career for almost 20 years before adopting Nikolai. So, I've sort of 'been there, done that' with the career thing, too. I am also very glad that the fates conspired so that I was by default a late bloomer (in my mid-thirties) before embarking on the parenthood road. I loved, loved, loved my career and I have had some truly amazing experiences. (and financially, things worked out significantly better for our family.)

[JaneDoe]

My mother worked full-time during my entire childhood. I never felt abandoned or deprived. My mother and father shared their parenting duties equally. I'm very close to both my parents, but probably more so with my Mom. Both of them valued education a great deal and it was expected that my sister and I obtain at least a college education, if not more. I graduated from law school and I'm currenlty a full-time government attorney.

When I was pg with my DD, I just assumed that I would work full-time. After all, my Mom did and I had a very happy and healthy childhood. I didn't see a problem at all. As soon as my DD was born, however, I absolutely did not want to return to work. I loved my maternity leave and being home full time with my DD. It made me sick to think about going back to work. I crunched the numbers every which way I could, trying to find a way for our budget to allow me to stay at thome. But, I make more money than Dh's residency salary, so financially I didn't have a choice in the matter. I'm fortunate in that my DD's daycare is in the same building where I work and it is excellent! I'm able to visit her at least once a day, if not more. She's thriving and loves going to daycare. Nonetheless, being able to visit her during the day hasn't made up for the fact that I still desperately want to be home with her.

So, once this baby is born (7 weeks to go), I will be a SAHM full-time. Since Dh is finishing his residency and we will be moving, we are now in a financial position to permit this choice. I guess I'm one of those women who is leaving a well-educated career position to be a SAHM. But, as someone else pointed out, I believe the feminist movement acheived the goal of giving women a choice. Not all women want to be SAHMs and not all women want to be WOHMs. I know my Mom would have never been happy as a SAHM.

Regarding the whole SAHM/WAHM debate - I find it to be so sad. So, many times I've heard people complain that WOHM's don't give SAHMs the respect they deserve. No doubt it's true. However, as a WOHM, I've also experienced complaints from the otherside. I've been accused of not loving my DD nearly as much as a SAHM, I've been accused as "having someone else raise my child", I've been accused of not working as hard SAHMs. None of these accusations are even remotely true. It's really sad that women, in particular, feel it is okay to make such accusations against other moms, when most are doing the best they can under their particular circumstances. Frankly, so long as your child is not being abused or neglected and lives in a stable home, I could careless whether you're a SAHM, WOHM or whatever. It's none of my business.

[Vishenka69]

We don't have kids yet, so it's hard for me to know for sure what I will ultimately choose. I'd love to have a fullfilling career with strictly 9-5 hourse, so that I could see the kid(s) before and after school while we're all awake, but I know that won't happen. I have fought a lot with my mom over this issue because she think that it will be a waste of my education and abilities to be a SAHM. She stayed home with me until I was about 3 and then went back to work. Since I was always sick as a child, I barely went to day care and stayed with my grandfather. Once I started school, I would go to my grandparents afterward and wait for my parents to pick me up at night. It was a great set up but unless we wait another 10 years to have kids, our parents won't be retired yet.

I know that I'm not comfortable with the thought of working crazy hours and never seeing my kids or only seeing them on weekends. Then what's the point of having them. But I'm not sure if I'd be happy staying home full time either. Luckily I don't have to make that decision just yet.

I think that either choice is very hard to make and neither is a cop-out. Both sides work very hard, but in different ways. To certain degree I rather go to work for 12 hours than homeschool 5 kids. I think being a SAHM can be a lot harder than working, especially with several children.

[mommax3]

I want to add that although I call myself a SAHM, I have worked part-time in some way (either giving private lessons, providing childcare, or working out of the home) for 6 (7 if you count the little bit of subbing I have done this year) of the almost 11 years I have been "home". None of the jobs made much money, but all of them let me use my talents and didn't impact my kids adversely.....and they were all things that I *wanted* to do, although of course I had my lazy moments and wished at times that I was not working at all, which is true of any job, even motherhood! It is all about finding the elusive balance, and adding a medical spouse to the mix makes it a LOT harder to do, unfortunately.

Sally

[Gwendolyn]

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFa...1648502&page=1

That should be the link to some video of the Good Morning America show and of course http://www.dooce.com is where you can find her response. As I was posting with a melting down two-year old I didn't answer my own questions...rude...sorry.

My mom stayed at home until my brother and I were in school and then she went back to school full time and then to work full time. I always missed her. She missed a lot. I even told her at one point (she recalls) that all I wanted to do was be a SAHM. As an adult, I now know that was not because of her work, but many other issues that kept her unavailable even when she was home.

I echo all of you. I hope my daughters (and sons) find a balanced happiness in their lives. I will tell them all the same thing...finish your education first. Get your bachelors, then do what you want because no one can ever take your education away from you. (I do believe that in this world it is dangerous for women to start a family without a college degree, and if it can be avoided, should be. Thanks to DH we won't have to tell our kids "sorry, we can't afford it"). I would feel the same way if a son wanted to pursue a dream taking him from college (sports, arts, etc).

I know for myself I will always work at least part time. As winter break comes to an end, I always feel isolated and depressed. One week back in the classroom and conversing with colleagues and I feel a trillion times better. No kid wants a mom that is both depressed AND around all the time! Luckily, because of my education I will always have the option of teaching a class or two to stay current without being gone very much or conducting research and writing.

As a side note, This women's comments go beyond just women who have a college degree. She is pretty brutal about all women who stay at home.

[Vanquisher]

This is, of course, a really difficult question. It is a question that I struggle with everyday. I'm not sure that I know the right answer for me, and so, how could I possibly know what the right answer is for every other mother in America?

I think it is a myth that you can have it all. Truly, I do. I think that if you are devoted to your career or to motherhood with 100% of who you are, the other is going to suffer. I think that there are defnitely children who thrive in appropriate daycare settings, and not only thrive, but they are better for it because their parents might not be equipped for the very tough job of being an at-home parent.

For me, working outside of the home is just not an option. I would spend as much money as I made if not MORE to work outside of the home and place my children in daycare. Further, it is, in my opinion, very difficult to find good daycare, and I think that MOST, yes MOST daycare options and situations are not places where I would want my children to be. When my son was a baby, I was offered a full-time job making about $9 an hour. This, believe it or not, was a lot of money to us at that time. I hunted and hunted for a daycare for him, and I finally found one that I thought was tolerable. Well, I got fired from that job (unjustly after just a week), and I took it as a sign that I was not supposed to work. My husband, who had already decreased his hours at his job, had to ask to get them back, and he did.

I don't buy the argument that families need two incomes to live. I just don't. I have lived with a baby, gone to school, and had my husband go to school for less than $1200 a month. If you want to work, that is fine, but I don't believe the financial argument. If your priorities are for you to stay at home, it can be done. I'm not saying that it isn't hard, but it can be done.

My mother worked the whole time I was growing up and/or went to school. I was watched by my grandmother, and I was a latch-key kid. I don't think that I am the worse for wear, but when I asked my mom about it, she said she would have loved to stay home. My parents are both teachers. She says this, but that wasn't the impression that I got from her, and I always felt growing up that women should have careers. I had always planned on one. I had big goals and aspirations. It's just not how it worked out.

I have no idea what I am going to do when my kids are in school full-time. By that time, my huband should have a very decent salary, and the point of my working for money would be completely wasted. It would have to be for my own fullfillment alone. The trouble is, I still don't know if I could balance it all. I don't know that I could give 100% to my kids and be fullfilled in a career too. I just don't know that it is possible. The things that I would want to do with my life would take so much energy and time, I don't know that I would be ready or willing to give a lot less of myself to my kids. I already feel that my kids need me that much more because of the residency situation. I mean, they are already sans one parent most of the time. I don't know that I could justify them having parent interactions that would be that limited. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Regarding the whole SAHM/WAHM debate - I find it to be so sad. So, many times I've heard people complain that WOHM's don't give SAHMs the respect they deserve. No doubt it's true. However, as a WOHM, I've also experienced complaints from the otherside. I've been accused of not loving my DD nearly as much as a SAHM, I've been accused as "having someone else raise my child", I've been accused of not working as hard SAHMs. None of these accusations are even remotely true. It's really sad that women, in particular, feel it is okay to make such accusations against other moms, when most are doing the best they can under their particular circumstances. Frankly, so long as your child is not being abused or neglected and lives in a stable home, I could careless whether you're a SAHM, WOHM or whatever. It's none of my business.

Yes, yes, yes!
Having been at different sides of this issue -- working outside the home, from home, not working -- I have had people "confide" their true feelings assuming that because of the work I was or was not doing, I agreed with them. It drives me CRAZY.

Re-reading my post...I made myself sound more disappointed than I am about the lack of part-time work. It is disappointing but I am not pining for it all the time. I do wish at times that there was a better way to balance my work desires versus my other priorities. It is a little hard for me to let go of the career side of working but I don't have to dig too deep to remember that when we moved, I was glad to have a break from what I was doing. I felt burned out. Due to a variety of unexpected circumstances, I got that break! I just need to let some business ideas gently percolate in the back of my head and I think I might come up with something.

Tara, I agree somewhat with what you said. Having 2 daughters, I think about this from time to time -- you can do anything....but if they have children, they will likely face similar dilemmas. It will be interesting to see how this works out in another generation. Overall, I feel optimistic for them.

[Rapunzel]

I haven't read the entire thread yet - just the first post, so that is what I am responding to.

How/why have you made your choices?
I refer to myself as a full-time mother. I've always felt that I don't have to do it all at the same time. I plan on living a long life on this earth and I imagine I will go through a number of phases during this life. Right now I am in a phase where I am defined more than anything else as a mother. That is my primary focus in life at the moment. Is that going backwards? Only if civilization itself is backwards since it rides on the backs of mothers. I am partially responsible for the perpetuation of life and society itself. I regard my role in life at the moment as a noble one. Hardly a view that this is a step backwards for me or other women like me.

I have been called a feminist in the past. Perhaps it is because I believe women are so important to humanity. Or maybe it's because I believe women are fully capable of having the same range of talents as men and achieving the same amount of success with those talents if given the opportunity (and, I believe women should have the opportunity to do so).

So, I know that this phase of my life - caring for, nurturing, and teaching children - will come to an end at some point in the future. When that happens I will move into another phase. Right now the possibilities are endless. I don't look at age as a limitation. Just as many other people in the world switch careers so will I.


Do you see a conflict?
I do not see a conflict in believing in phases in life and in believing a woman is fully as capable as a man or in supporting a woman's ability to achieve whatever constructive thing she desires in this life.

I also do not regard motherhood as a sacrifice in and of itself. I regard it as an opportunity. I have the opportunity to impact humanity by how I raise my children and what I teach them. I have the opportunity to learn and grow myself. There are things I have learned as a mother about myself and about life that I think are invaluable and that I would not necessarily have learned otherwise.

What did your mother do?
My mother was a full-time mother until my early adulthood. At that point she went back to school and became a registered nurse. She began working full-time as an RN while her youngest was in his early teens. She now regards that series of decisions as a mistake in retrospect. Why? She sees the differences between her older and younger children and how her being around or not being around in our lives as often impacted our decisions in our crucial teenage years. I've discussed this with her recently and she wishes she had not cut short that phase of her life - or my siblings' lives because of the impact those decisions had on them.

How did you feel about it?
I believe I was at a distinct advantage during my childhood and teen years by having a mother full-time. While my friends went home after school to empty homes where they often ended up making bad choices while no adults were around (that's the time of day when a great deal of the reckless sex, juvenile alchohol drinking, and illicit drug use occurred among the young people in my community) I went home to a mom who was around to take me to healthy activities, help me with my homework, and generally talk to me and participate in life with me. I remember after she started working as an RN she always seemed tired and stressed while she was at home. It became a lot harder to talk to her because of this and she simply didn't have the energy (or often the time) to be there for my brothers like she had been for me. This is something else we've discussed recently with the advantage of over a decade in time to examine these choices and events.

What would you want your daughters to do?
I want my children to receive the best education in life possible first of all. I believe that whatever choices they make in life will only be enhanced by a sound, thorough education. Beyond that, it is there choice. I want them to be very conscious of the impact their choices have both in the short term and many years - decades even - down the line. Otherwise, once they leave my home I can't do anything but love them and give them advice if they ask for it. I will be there for my children and grandchildren in whatever capacity they need me. That may impact future decisions I make, but I have made a personal choice to place my progeny's needs as my top priority.

[houseelf]

I've written on this topic many times, so I'll try to add only something new. I've got lots of thoughts, however!

While I do think that there is an intermom competition going on, I think that the media exploits this topic too much. Sure, zealouts on both sides exist, but really they represent the minority of women. Most of us are just wading through our own set of circumstances as best as we can. When we do get huffy, we're just protecting our choices, which clearly are intertwined with at least a little confusion and ambivalence.

It is a damn hard decision. While I have never been a fulltime SAHM, I did take two extended maternity leaves (7 months and 6 months respectively). I have worked 5 days a week with one child, 4 days a week with two children, and 2.5 days a week with 2 children. (FYI: I have a cush, moderately paid Government job). I can honestly say that I felt that I was doing my best on all fronts when I worked 2-3 days a week with a job share partner. Work was being taken care of when I wasn't there and I was fully engaged at home.

In contrast, what I'm doing right now borders on insanity. I wouldn't recommend 32 hours a week with kids at two different places during a spouse's surgery residency and interviews to my worst enemy. There is an exponential suck factor here:

(spouse's sucky job x constantly sick kids) + cross country interviews + (no extended family)(two separate drop offs) + job = crabby bitch mommy

If I'm honest, the kids are doing alright. It's me who is struggling and running through each day feeling unsupported and overwhelmed. I'm contemplating approaching my boss about arranging another job share, but I'm fairly certain she won't go for it again.

Fortunately, interviews end in 6 weeks and the kids will be at the same place starting in June. I'm to the point that I honestly don't give a f*** where we match anymore, I just want him around more here and now. The kids will start going to the same place in June. So, I'm sucking this up for the short term. Its sort of like kicking an old mule to plow on a little further.

DH and I have committed ourselves to this short term plan. However, in 15 months I'm going to be a SAHM for awhile until I can find a part-time job or until the kids get older.

In reading my own thoughts on this, it is clear that each of our situations is so individual. How could anyone base their decision on my situation and outcomes? I guarantee there are very few people walking around in shoes similar to mine.

Kelly

I say female because I have never had a male put me down for working or staying at home, they have been nothing but supportive, women are a COMPLETELY different story.

My experiences have been similar. I'm sure that in some cases men just don't feel the need to state their opinion but I have been surprised sometimes by the comments I have heard.

I hate going to work related functions with DH because he is the only male in his program so now that I'm "just a SAHM" (as I've been told) the female residents pretty much want nothing to do with me. So that leaves me and DH to talk to their SO or I hang out with the attendings wives (there are not a lot of them either because there are so many women at this program).

Similar experience here and a little piece of me is not looking forward to dealing with this part of going to a conference with DH. Though the benefits _far_ outweight having to deal with it. And then there is the issue of many of them not having much of a life outside residency and being about to talk about much else to begin with. An interesting part of the GMA show was when the working mom went to a party and told people she was SAHM -- the reactions. Wow! When I decided to SAH, I did not remove my brain and put it on a shelf in the garage.

Its so sad because if we could just be supportive of each other think of what we could accomplish. I do hope this gets better for our daughters and I think starting this type of dialoge helps us move in a positive direction.

Way to go ladies!!:ra:

Agreed. :ra: [/u]

[Auspicious]

Re: SAHM

Do you all see a conflict?

I don't see SAHPing as unfeminist. I do see mandatory SAHMing as unfeminist, but I don't really know too many people who are into mandatory SAHMing so it's kind of a non-issue right now. I don't agree that every choice is a feminist choice, but that can be a separate debate. I think Hirschman says a couple of true things (even a broken clock is right twice a day) but is largely full of crap.

How/why have you made your choices?

No kids, so choices are yet to be made. My current holy grail situation is part-time work while my kids are little--quite possibly working from home--and then back to full time when they are school age. I can envision both SAHMing and working full-time, though. No option is off the table right now. Questions under consideration are how hard might it be to actually live on one salary, how would I deal with so much unstructured time, and how big would the hit to my career trajectory be: if I did what I wanted and stayed home in my early 30s, does that mean I'd be relegated to doing work beneath my abilities when I'm 55 and the kids have moved out? If you get out of the workplace, what's it like to try and get back in? I don't know.

What did your mother do?

She had kids in '70, '75, '79. She stayed home two years with the 1st (under not-great circumstances and didn't like it), went down to part-time for one year with me (and got screwed on her retirement plan as a result--she's still ticked), and put the youngest in full-time daycare at 6 weeks. I have no memory of anything but her working full-time always. With each successive kid the benefits to the family overall to staying home seemed to be more and more outweighed by the benefits of her working. Now in her mid-50s she's very glad she built her career--glad for personal reasons as well as financial.

I went through various daycare situations as a little kid, one of which sucked, one of which was great and I still have fond memories of the provider and her baby daughter, and a few of which were varying shades of neutral. I think my younger brother had only positive experiences, and that's because by the time he came along my parents had gotten more practiced at choosing a good daycare situation and also had more money to get the good places.

How did you feel about it?

I guess I feel that it was a little hard but it was for the best.

I feel that my mom is not perfect but was a very very awesome mom and I grew up in an emotional environment better than most. Even as a kid I remember thinking that she seemed so much less crabby than the other moms, and of course as an adult I appreciate all she did for us even more. And I'm proud of her career.

I think that being employed is a significant part of who she is--it's an identity issue. So it's hard to parse out anything like "do I wish she stayed home" because it really seems like wishing for a different mom, and I don't at all.

And I definitely wouldn't have wanted to live on half the income.

I think that daycare can work out just hunky-dory or it can suck--it depends on the situation.

What would you want your daughters to do?

I hope that they look at their own situations and figure out what works for their family, instead of adhering to any one ideology. If they can explain to me why their choice is best for their family, then I'm onboard.

I agree with those who are saying that this will probably be a different debate a generation from now, just as it's been different for us than it was in our mothers' day.

(This post makes it sound like my dad was absent or something, which is far from true, but daycare issues were handled more by her when I was a kid.)