Couples Counseling

Anybody ever resorted to this? SO and I are really afraid of making each other miserable. We're both unhappy with being in limbo about the kid issue (I know I want to be a parent, he hasn't made up his mind and can't seem to right now), but I can't see ending the relationship over that, so we're going to get some help. If you have a success story, I'd love the encouragement. If you had no success with counseling, I guess I should know that as well... reality check. We've been together for 3 years and can't commit until we resolve this, so it's hindering progress in our relationship. I don't know how much longer I can wait to find out.
I'm having so much difficutly understanding why he can't make his mind up now.

[Flynn]

Dayisme wrote:

Anybody ever resorted to this?

Personally, I think asking for help is a sign of strength.

Most people (well over 75% from my personal experience) I have closely known in residency have tried this out with huge success. That's just my experience though.

I am a big fan of couples counselling and I think that anyone who even "thinks" it might help should give it a try. This path is hard enough, if there is something that might help why scoff at it? Many programs offer a certain amount of free counselling and then will refer you out.

We went a total of 4 times and it changed our lives in an amazingly positive way. Give it a shot. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I say go for it, too. I haven't done couples counseling, but my graduate work was in counseling. I'm currently seeing a counselor as an individual and find it very beneficial. As someone who's on the other end for the first time, I would say be prepared to be uncomfortable. Developing a therapeutic relationship and addressing important aspects of yourself and your life is hard work. So, plan on that from the start and you won't be tempted to think the counselor's failing when things get rough -- that may be when he/she is doing his/her best work.

[houseelf]

I concur. We did 5 sessions. I went in with the understanding that they would "fix him". Lo and behold, I had some things to work on to! *gasp*

We still use some of the skills that we learned. During our sessions, our counselor came right out and asked us what we wanted from her: separation mediation, marriage strenghtening, etc. It came out that we were very committed to one another (and perhaps should be committed) . It was good to hear things from a third party neutral.

Good luck.

Kelly

Couples Counseling

Thank you all so much for responding. I'm feeling considerably more optimistic about the whole process. We both want to end up together, but don't know how to make one another as happy as we once were, when it was easy. A little clarity will be helpful. Not looking forward to examining my flaws under a microscope, but knowing that we'll also be examining his helps my poor ego

We went to 2 sessions. We more or less used it as neutral ground to discuss some issues that always got feelings hurt when done in private. In fact, it made me feel closer to her because when the counselor pressed on some issues, we stuck up for each other. I'd recommend it if you're even considering it.

[SueC]

I think you guys have a very good attitude about it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting an objective person to help you work through some of the big issues (or even the small ones if that is causing you grief). We haven't done it yet, but we've come close and are both very open to it. I received individual counseling last year and it did me a world of good. I can't imagine that anybody wouldn't be well served by seeing a counselor (one that they click with of course) for a little "self-actualization".

We've both found individual counseling to be beneficial in the past. I guess I just thought couples counseling was only for married folk, but then it would only be called marriage counseling...
Our apopintment is set for 2 weeks from today. We decided that until then, we are going to take some time to ourselves to take a good look at what's been going on and what we want out of this. This will be the first time in a loooong time we'll go so long without talking to or seeing one another.
I know it's a means to an end, but it kinda stinks.

counseling huh?

please continue with this discussion! this sounds interesting. i am a male spouse that has been dating a medical student now for almost four years. i never thought to consider this option until reading this post. I believe as one of the prior posts said we both have some things we want to say to one another that we are having problems saying to one another for fear of hurting the other person's feelings. as the bf of the med student, i am willing to try anything. i am in strange city which i moved to with her to finish my schooling and support her. i have been here with her almost two years and i just don't love this place. but yet i want to stick out for her. at the same time many of my nights are spent alone hoping she makes it home before 12 or 1 in the morning. do you think these are issues counseling can help?

[Meenah]

Yes, I think counseling can help. Do you want to make the relationship work? Do you want to end up married and having a family? If so, any work (counseling) you put into the relationship can only be for the good.
Luanne

yes. we defintely intend to get married. but, we are at that crossing point. as much as we consider it we are both trying to find out whether we have what it takes to make this work. as much as we care for one another we recognize the difficulty and strain this lifestyle can have on both our personal and professional lives. what type of counseling should i seek out?

my only regret was not going to couples counseling sooner. it sounds like you're both committed to the relationship - heck, you moved to a new city and have stuck it out for 2 years there - and if you're *considering* therapy, go with your gut. sooner rather than later. the lifestyle of a SO to a doc is difficult, there's no doubt about that. therapy could give you a forum to talk about it and come up with some coping strategies. things also tend to come out more diplomatically-sounding in sessions than they would if all the tension culminated in an argument instead. i would also suggest that you consider individual therapy in conjunction with the couples counseling. sometimes is nice to be not-so-diplomatic i find it's also helpful planning for our time with the therapist together.

[Sheherezade]

I just had to give myself a great big when I read this!

When we were having trouble during fellowship, I considered counseling but couldn't schedule anything given his time demands. Nada. It was completely depressing - but I ended up realizing that it was a good reflection of the relationship. We really had no issues with each other, but we did have LOTS of issues with the time/energy/attention demands of his training program. We rode the time out and that worked for us. Now, things are much better. There were no underlying issues in our relationship - just no time for us or family. I'm glad we made it through.

I just had to post this to tell you that you are not alone in this catch-22. I hope it works out for you.

[Sheherezade]

Snacks?? Oh my!

That is odd when they are charging you a $400 therapy fee.

[Flynn]

I totally can relate to the difficulty of scheduling with regard to training. It is a Catch 22.

I think we did two out of four meetings when DH was post call.
He was a trooper and got a quad americano.