Help! Anyone have a joke? Encouragement, Advice?

OK, I'm buckling.

You'd think life would be good, DH is in his last 4 months of residency and off we go to his new job in Chattanooga TN. Problem is, as erinna put it, "it IS always like that". We are putting the house on the market, looking for a new one at distance, have two high maintenance kids, pets and in-laws. DH, for all his good qualities, can't seem to take responsability for the most normal and mundane things, like...waking up in the morning on time,
or getting to sleep at night,
or doing the few chores that are his alone,
or take care of HIS car.
He has nothing to do with the kids in school, he has done nothing about selling the house. He likes to look at future houses and put in his opinion but he's not dealing with any of the details. I've arranged all the work on the house, all the cleaning, which BTW I have had a wonderful friend who is slightly OCD helping me recently and she is an ANGEL of organization and sanity.

I do all the bookkeeping, scheduling etc. He even 'forgot' to get some work hours in that has cost us a THOUSAND bucks! A THOUSAND! You'd think he'd, well, notice. I have to be hyper-vigalent at all times. One time of weakness and everything falls apart. And then, "gee darling, I'd really like to get cozy soon...." HA! And then he's like "Well you're always pissed off.." and I AM!

And here's the kicker, he's in Derm. He works two extra nights a week for extra money, but life is good. I'd like to calm down, relieve some stress, anything. But it doesn't seem possible right now. ACK! Right now, all I'm living with is a big A**hole who thinks I, and my older daughter are his mothers. (It's true, his mother did do everything for him, but hell, we've been married 17 years, you'd think he would have realized no one is going to be his new mother...) He's been having my daughter wake him up and then he's been saying, "wellll, wake me in 15 minutes.." She's not his F**&&ng snooze alarm!

All encouragement, advice, humor welcome! Thanks for letting me blow,

Pam

[DCJenn]

You have come to the right place, my friend. Someday we should add up what it would cost for them to hire people to do everything that we do.

and then charge them for it!

Vent away!!!

Jenn

I hear you about the car maintenance. That is and has been a huge point of contention around here. For some reason, that is where I have drawn a line in the sand...which just results in frustration. I drive his car for some reason, noticing orange or RED lights, and then find out they have been on for weeks. :thud: I will even schedule all the maintenance and figure out switching if he would JUST TELL ME! *deep breath*

I'm so glad we're not moving right now. Moving is hard no matter what you are moving to, especially when it is long distance. Hang in there -- you are so close to being done!

I agree, your daughter is not a snooze alarm.

So....how is he swinging those 2 nights a week? Is it derm-related?

[Vishenka69]

You have come to the right place, my friend. Someday we should add up what it would cost for them to hire people to do everything that we do.

and then charge them for it!

I would do this in a heartbeat if only we didn't have a joint bank account.

Hang in there. Soon he'll be making enough to actually hire someone (or several someones) to help you out with all of his responsibilities.

AMEN Ladybug! It sounds spiteful but it's tough love, and that sounds like the cure for what's ailing him right now. They key, IMHO, is balance. In order to be a physician you have to be so completely vigilant, and I think that it tires them out at work to the point that they aren't as conscientious at home. This has the potential to manifest itself in so many ways in a relationship. SO really does try to achieve that balance and is more conscientious at home than some others, but they have so little time at home that every moment is precious, so it's so important they get it right. Especially with kids, moving, in-laws, car problems and the myriad of other things you inevitably encounter. We can be sympathetic to their physically and emotionally exhausting work, but we pat them on the backs for it, not kowtow (sp?) at their feet and excuse everything they don't do because of their chosen profession.

[Flynn]

I am laughing outloud and feeling all of our pain!



I have nothing to add -- just a big eye roll.

SO TYPICAL of a doc.....

Uhh, I agree with tough love. I don't think you need humor, I think you need to redefine your respective spheres of responsibility - - I imagine this is tough after 17 years but its never too late!

I don't think being a doctor, especially a dermatologist, excuses this type of abdication of all work in the home.

My husband def. works more hours than the average dermie and in addition the following are his complete responsibility: all insurance; all grocery shopping; all car maintenance; more or less cooking depending on work schedule.

I am in charge of: all investments, retirement accounts, financial planning; all laundry; research on major purchases, vacations, and more or less cooking depending on work schedule.

The housekeeper thank god is in charge of ALL cleaning, I mean all. We share equally family and pet responsibilities and major planning. When we move the person who is working less hours does more of the planning but certainly never all of it.

This system has taken us a few years to perfect. There were a few key key elements. First, if dh didn't accomplish his task, such as grocery shopping, there was no food for him. Period. I would go and eat out, which I am reimbursed for when I do consulting work. He would not and would be microwaving frozen peas. (The insurance stuff I may have stepped in on but he is actually pretty vigilant about that). Second, most weeks my husband and I sit down and do what we call "run the list" - - figure out who is in charge of what errands for the week. Third, and arguably most important, we have a housekeeper who comes every single week as well as when we need her to prepare for houseguests or dinner parties. It is the best money we spend. It allows us to focus on family, it allows us both to have professional lives, and it has reduced our bickering by at least 50% if not more.

In fairness to your husband, if he is working two full nights plus five days a week that is quite a bit. However, I am still not seeing 100% of this move falling to you and YOUR FRIEND??!!. You and your husband need to sit down and figure out some smaller elements of this move that are his responsibility. If they don't get done, do not do them. I would start out small and gradually work your way up. And I would not ever function as an alarm!!

Good luck with everything.

[SueC]

What's green and hangs from trees?





Giraffe snot.

Sorry, that very lame joke is the best I can come up with. I agree with the others, the boy needs to get his butt out of bed!
Maybe you should come up with a list of all the tasks and just point blank ask him which duties he'd like to take over.

I don't hear the alarm either. Amazingly, I do hear it when it is set for me.

[twinsmom]

..... So there's this husband and wife who are in a fight and not speaking to each other. The husband had to fly out for a business trip the next morning and have to leave early to catch the plane. Not wanting to be the first one to break the 'silence fight', he left a note, saying, "Wake me up at 5:00 am!".

The next morning, he woke up at 9:00 and was shocked to realize he had missed his plane. Angerly, he demanded from his wife, "Why didn't you wake me up??!" To which she replied, "I did" and pointed to his nightstand. There, on the nightstand was a note that said, "It's 5:00 am, wake up."


..... There's my joke for the day - and you also have my heartfelt "I HEAR YOU!!" Especially on the Derm part - I thought this was supposed to be the 'family friendly' specialty. Ummm, ya... that's why I'm here ALONE on yet another Friday night, with the most recent request from dh being, "I need you to just leave me alone for the next two weeks" before his mock boards.

Okay, I'll stop now lest I hijack even more. I SO hear you on the moving stress - one year ago, I traveled literally 1/2 way across the country, taking 2 year old twins and being 8 months pregnant to find a house, make the offer, do all the negotiating yada yada yada, pretty much everything to get the move going, to go back home, deliver the baby, pack everything up, move alone with kiddos and dog in tow while dh finished up his internship year. Yep... totally hear you on the moving stress... what did I say about hijacking?? Sorry - kinda touched a nerve I guess....

GOOD LUCK on getting everything squared away - give yourself a nice LONG soak in the tub - you are truly an iron woman!!

Jen B.

Ok, hearing these multiple stories of moving nightmares, I am missing something:

What do SINGLE residents do? All of the single residents I know have managed to move, in many cases buy homes, and start their training on time. Why is it that MDspouses from all reports here appear to be completely immobilized?

I think we have had fewer moves than others on this board as my job limits our mobility, but I seem to remember during our most recent move my dh took a few vacation days and his parents helped out and we hired a moving service.

Well hats off to the brave moving women out there!!

feeling the love!

this forum is awesome! i am the male SO of a soon to be third year med student and while i am not as far along as most i understand the pain!!!! The constant "hey wake me up in 15 mins. that is all i need. Just a power nap"! or the simple things they FORGET to do like getting their own car's oil changed or cleaning up after themselves or even knowing that hey occassionally saying thanki you goes a long way! how do you all put up with it as long as you have? We have been together almost four years and it is driving me crazy! i am a professional myself but i don't spend nearly as much time working as she does studying! what makes all of the little things you have to do just to make your lives sane worth it? the constant friday nights alone or weekends where you are lucky to get an hr. of attention a day are crazy? please advise to someone trying to figure what to do!!!!