Scared and Worried

My apologies to medwife517 -- in moving your post, I deleted it. Sorry! I have it open in another window so I can paste the text in.

Here it is again:

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Hi ALL! I am new to the site...

All I hear from family and friends is how I am never going to see my soon to be husband once he starts med school. I would love to hear how this is not true, but at this point I am willing to hear any sort of advice any of you have to offer.

We have been in Birmingham for 4 years now ( home is Mobile AL) and all of our friends it seems like are moving back to their respective home towns. I am so afraid I am going to be left in the wind to do everything by myself.

I keep trying to tell myself this is going to all be worth it in the end, but I am so worried about making it to "the end" that the fear usually overwhelms me.

HELP
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And the response from Jesher:


Depending on his study habits / work requirements you may or may not see much of him over the next 2 years. 3rd year of med school has been a huge adjustment for most everyone I know. 4th year eases up a bit ... but then residency hits and it's all a cr*p shoot.

Sorry to be little suzy-sunshine. Be glad you found this site early in the process -- it helps tons.

You may want to move this post to Grand Rounds -- you'll get more feedback there. (Or ask an admin to do it).

[Sheherezade]

Personally, our med school experience wasn't bad. I was working at the time and we had no kids. I think that made it easier to ignore all the intensity associated with MED SCHOOL and all that. 2nd year of residency was our big wake up call. I think that's when I realized the whole shebang of training was going to be bad. I suppose I expected it to get better after intern year. Anyway...I think it's different for each program and each person. There will be ups and downs.

My guy is done with training. For us, I would say it was worth it. Before med school, he was in a well paying job in NYC with more time off, but he was miserable. Now, he works more but he's happy and feels like he makes a difference in the world. That's better - even with all the training crapola to get here.

I wish you both luck. Stick with us - we'll talk you through the bad times.

[Cumberland]

I second Angie ( could be the ObGyn huh?). Med school was an adjustment, but at least the first two years are somewhat similar to undergrad in that he had to study all the time to make the grades. He was probably gone as much, bc in med school he was at the library constantly instead of the library and work as in undergrad. Third year was different-some rotations were horrible and some he was home before noon ( surgery vs psych!). Fourth year in general was a piece of cake except for the stress of matching. Residency, with q4call and 80 hours a week, plus the sudden realization that the responsibility of some else's life is in his hands, has been the hardest yet. And where I agree most with Angie is that second year has been the hardest bc while the hours are the same, the responsibility increased, and he has had to be even more focused. I realized early on in his intern year that at some point he would have to let us go to some degree and give more of himself to his patients. That was a sad and hard thing to accept, but inevitable as a physician. We will see where we at with all this in a few years when all the training finally stops!

The most important thing for you now is to love each other- what other people have to say-the opinions and the horror stories- really doesnt matter much past that.

[SuzySunshine]

I will third what has been said. Medical school wasn't really an issue for DH and I. I was working, he was studying, he took kind of a work schedule meaning that from 8-5 if he wasn't in class he was studying so that when I was home he was around.

Intern year of residency was pretty easy for us as well, 2nd year hasn't been as peachy but we are lucky in that my husband's program follows the work rules.

Good luck.

The first 4 or so months of med school were a big transition because DH had been on the outside for a while. Getting back into study/school mode took some time. Once that was ironed out it was very managable.

Third year was a change but not too bad. Most of our neighbors were residents so seeing them was good preparation and 3rd year is not like residency (despite our efforts to convince ourselves of that). I think that 4th year depends on the interviews. He was interviewing for IM then and it wasn't very stressful or time consuming. He was able to carry forward all of his 3rd year vacation into 4th year which was very nice. First year of residency was tough.

My advice is to take it one year at a time. Now is a great time to get used to spending less of your spare time with your spouse.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Scared and Worried

My apologies to medwife517 -- in moving your post, I deleted it. Sorry!

OH...I hate it when that happens! You might try pming her...if she popped back on and noticed her post missing, maybe...she freaked out a litle.

kris

[Gwendolyn]

I echo what everyone else said. The nice part of medical school is that he will be more incharge of his life...at least the first two years. We did what Tara did...scheduled lunch or dinner together at the Med Library or hospital cafeteria. In residency, he never knows when he will have a minute or 10, so meeting is not really an option. We dotry to talk on the phone at least once a day, even if it is just to say "I love you, bye." Open honest communication about expectations is the key. Every major fight we have is because I have one set of expectations and he has another and neither of us is getting what we need.

This place is great! When your DH isn't available to work out the kinks, there is a wonderful group of SOs here that know what you are going through!

People make choices of what is important in their life. During med school, I chose to spend more time with my wife and hobbies, leading to less A's than if others. However, my relationship with my wife and my sanity benefitted and I wouldn't do it differently in hindsight. He will have time to be with you if it is a priority for him in med school.

[SueC]

We weren't married back then, but my dh seemed to have plenty of time in med school for a social life, hobbies, etc. He was in the best shape of his life which leads me to believe he wasn't spending all of his time with his nose buried in a book. I agree with whomever said it is what you (or they) make of it. We knew some people who lived, ate, and breathed medicine, but I knew a lot more med students who managed to have a life as well.

[DCJenn]

My husband and his buddy ran into a med school professor last year- who admitted that my husband and the other three lab partners made him nuts while they were in medical school because they all had a VERY good time. (and took full advantage of the social scene of DC)

Apparently their 'lack of discipline' made this guy just cringe. Fast forward to 5 years out of medical school- they all were in specialties that required lengthy residencies and/or fellowships, they all had long term relationships, they all excelled at the PT requirements (two Navy, two Army) and they all had great senses of humor. He said to my husband and his buddy that he planned on remembering them as examples of people who didn't live, breathe, eat medicine and (shock) were still able to be successful in their fields.

So, the moral of the story is, having a life is a critical part of being a 'good' doctor.

Jenn

[Tenacious_D]

We are currently in "our" first year of med school and DH does a great job of balancing time with me and with school work. I have found hobbies (playing squash in a couple of leagues) and organizing our life on a weekly basis. There are very few nights where we don't have dinner together. If his anatomy classmates or other med friends want to hang out with him, I am usually there or he hangs out with them while I am at work so we don't miss out on time with each other. The most stressful times can be around exams (every 6 weeks). I just find a lot to do with myself and my friends but we still make time for dinner together.

As long as you and your husband agree on how the time will be split between work and social life, it can be a really smooth transition.

Good luck!

i agree

I am a SO other a female medical student and i agree the worst thing you can do is not be honest about each other's expectations of the other person. my GF and i are having the biggest problem because we have yet to consistently do that. one has one idea of what we spend our free time together doing while the other may not completely understand or be aware of the other's intentions. it has brought us to the brink several times most recently. i really think the schedule is a great idea. whose idea was that the SO or the medical student? And it was a weekly thing? Any other suggestions worth mentioning? As i said my GF and i have been together almost four yrs. and almost through the first two of med school and i am going insane. I am a govt. atty. and don't spend nearly the time it reuqires her to be the best student she can. all i find myself doing is feeling alone. partly i admit, b/c i chose to folow her to a city where i know no one and thus don't have many social outlets. which brings me to my most interesting question: i may have an oportunity to move back to the city where we attended school and she intends to do some of her rotations and residency. for the sake of our relationship it may be a good thing to leave now... any thoughts?