Would s/he do it for you?

[SuzySunshine]

Kelly, I think you said exactly what I was trying to.

[Flynn]

The short answer is no. However I say this as a fact, rather than an injustice.

The little bit longer answer is, I agree with Kelly.

DH HAS compromised along the way -- but not without a few tug of war fights. For example: while we were interviewing for fellowships we had several tough "discussions" about how his rank list should be. There was one program that he wanted to rank that was three years instead of two, was in an area with an incredibly high cost of living/housing, had REQUIRED housing aka -- no pets, and was a "thank you sir can I have another" kind of program. Where do I NOT sign up for that?? We had one of our worst fights to date because I didn't want him to rank it and he did. I told him IF he matched there he would be going by himself. :argue: He didn't rank the program.

I wish he would compromise without my foot two feet up his.....@$$! He has come a LONG way -- a VERY long way and I'm proud of him, and us for that.

The funny thing is I don't care if he would do the same for me. My passion is for my family. QT. I'm all about QT. We've lost SO MUCH time in this life -- pursuing anything other than what's good for my family right now is nothing I'm interested in.

I've also decided a few things along the way (I'm not saying these ideas are for everyone -- this is just what I think about MY life):

1.) I married someone incredibly smart and ambitious. If I wanted a high powered career (whatever that is) I should have stayed single OR chosen not to have kids. I knew this going into our marriage ASIDE from how taxing the medical lifestyle is. For me the idea that you can "have it all" (Translation: have a fullfilling career where you work at least 30 hours a week AND have a sucessful family while your husband also works) is a myth. I have met a few people who CAN make it work I admit -- it's just not for me. No thanks.

2.) My job in this marriage is to keep DH grounded and focused on things OUTSIDE of medicine. His job is thanking his lucky stars every day I am his wife. 8) He's getting better and better with "his job" all the time.

I'm not sure if this is fair -- probably not, but life is not "fair" and marriage certainly NOT "fair."

[Vishenka69]

I've also decided a few things along the way (I'm not saying these ideas are for everyone -- this is just what I think about MY life):

1.) I married someone incredibly smart and ambitious. If I wanted a high powered career (whatever that is) I should have stayed single OR chosen not to have kids. I knew this going into our marriage ASIDE from how taxing the medical lifestyle is. For me the idea that you can "have it all" (Translation: have a fullfilling career where you work at least 30 hours a week AND have a sucessful family while your husband also works) is a myth. I have met a few people who CAN make it work I admit -- it's just not for me. No thanks.

2.) My job in this marriage is to keep DH grounded and focused on things OUTSIDE of medicine. His job is thanking his lucky stars every day I am his wife. He's getting better and better with "his job" all the time.

I'm not sure if this is fair -- probably not, but life is not "fair" and marriage certainly NOT "fair."

Flynn, I couldn't agree more.

[houseelf]

Flynn,

We had one of our worst fights to date because I didn't want him to rank it and he did. I told him IF he matched there he would be going by himself. He didn't rank the program.

OMG, OMG, OMG.....WARNING...apoplectic hijack forthcoming!

I usually don't believe in ultimatums in marriages, but we are in the midst of this exact thing right now. I have told DH that if he goes to hoity-toity, uber expensive program X or Y he will be going alone. Period. He got sh**y about it, but I mean business. I don't give one tiny little ratt's butt how frickin' prestigious it would be for his career. Grow the *&^% up and consider the needs of the four members of this family.

But really, I'm pretty neutral about the whole thing.

Kelly

Damn, that felt good.

You may now return to the topic at hand.

[Flynn]

Kelly -- What is it with the idea of "it's such a good program I HAVE TO RANK IT??"

I said up front I would move anywhere but I would not support 3 year programs and bringing our dog was a MUST. Those ideas were non-negotiable.

I SAID that up front. Duh. He insisted on interviewing for some programs that did not meet my specifications "to compare." Whatever.

So he says "well that means 3 of the best programs are not options for me." UH YEAH SO??? That leaves 9 "great" programs we can fight over instead!!!!

The one track mind thing that some of these docs get when they interview is extremely inconvenient.

Spouses get a vote in this process. It's just THAT simple.

[houseelf]

I can't believe that he would waste money and time on a program that I have said that I wouldn't move too. Do ya think that I'm just a might bit miffed? He is still afraid that he might not match. Whatever.

I don't get how we can be so in sync on most issues and yet we live on different planets when it comes to his career. Really.

Kelly

[Vanquisher]

Thank goodness that DH and I seem to be on the same page with this right now, but try not to throw it back in my face when we are applying for fellowships, please.

I don't blame you at all, girls, there are some things that are not worth sacrificing for prestige and your family's utter survival is one of those things, and if they are going to be asshats about it then they deserve the ultimatums. It floors me how rediculous the requests for sacrifice can get with our spouses. You want me to what? Cut off my hand? Sure, as long as it gets you one more notch up on that ladder, babe. Anything for you sweet cheeks.

You have my whole-hearted sympathies.

[planet]

Kelly, this is the topic. I lucked out in that dh withdrew his application from Tulane after his med school interview when I said I wouldn’t move there. Rank list was also a joint effort. So I haven’t had to go through what you are going through, but…

Given what your dh has seen on the job, how can he still not get the idea about where his regrets will be in the end?? I can’t help but wonder what he hopes to get from the more prestigious program? Is it going to set him up better for a particular job he has his sights on? Does he need it for his own esteem? Are the programs that make his family miserable that superior to the rest? Just thoughts running through my head.

And probably there are some people out there who think I held my husband back.

[houseelf]

Heidi said:

It floors me how rediculous the requests for sacrifice can get with our spouses. You want me to what? Cut off my hand? Sure, as long as it gets you one more notch up on that ladder, babe. Anything for you sweet cheeks.



OMG, Heidi, Flynn, Jenn, YOU SO GET IT!

Kelly

[Vishenka69]

And probably there are some people out there who think I held my husband back.

Don't have to worry about that here. I'm actually amazed how much others have sacrificed and feel that I haven't done nearly as much in comparison. Every time DH has a bad day, he reminds me of how great the Pittsburg program is and how I refused to move there.