how much do you say?

[houseelf]

Willow,

I'm going to let others answer your question, but I'll invite you to read some of my recent posts in the call room regarding ...ahem...conversations...in our household over this very point. I was pretty open to wherever the match took us except for a small minority of locations that would render our children eligible for subsidized school lunches because we would be so poor. That is where I drew the line.

Good luck with this. I probably spoke up a little too much. I hope that someone who is calmer and nicer than me will give you advice.

Kelly

From what Kelly said, I don't know how helpful I'll be.

Here's the thing -- the resident/fellow has an automatic job with co-workers -- gets to know people. Sure, the other residents or fellows might not be their type but it is someone who gets what they are doing and some amount of interaction. The spouse tends to have more of a transition in terms of career and social life. For most residencies and fellowships, the spouse is the one *living* in and experiencing the city. The spouse has a vested interest, as much as the match allows, to move to a location they will like or can live with.

I would never ask my husband to rank highly a program he didn't like or feel would be a good match so I could live in a specific place. Likewise, he shouldn't expect me to live in a city that will be a difficult adjustment or place I won't like just for a program. As much as the match and program availability allows.

My advice is to find a good time to discuss and speak up.

speak up.

Word!

Seriously, after he picked his favorite programs, SO and I narrowed it down by requriements of the location. We wanted to stay in a city on the NE Corridor, that was pedestrian friendly, where we wouldn't need a car, that also wouldn't break the bank. I was a little disappointed that he didn't chose one of the programs in NYC, but we didn't have to move at all in the long run, so that was a good compromise. I would have loved to go back to NY to be near friends and family, but Philly has been close enough since 98'. The point to that rant was we sat down once he picked his top 10 and played with the list a bit. Being included in the process helped me feel comfortable with his decision.

[Flynn]

Nellie wrote:

I would never ask my husband to rank highly a program he didn't like or feel would be a good match so I could live in a specific place. Likewise, he shouldn't expect me to live in a city that will be a difficult adjustment or place I won't like just for a program. As much as the match and program availability allows.

What she said.

SPEAK UP.

I strongly believe the spouse gets equal weight in the decision making process.

[Phoebe]

equal weight!

Jennifer

DH didn't even bother applying to med schools in cities that didn't seem attractive to me. When he had it narrowed down to two schools, I had just as much say as he did. I don't see that changing with residencey in 3 years. We both need to be happy, and our big decisions have always been based on concensus.

[Vanquisher]

Willow,

There has to be a compromise here. Instead of saying, "I will absolutely not go to these cities." How about trying to sit down and figure it out together. Rank all the programs that he likes, because you definitely want to match, but tell him why you think the other two cities will be best for you and see if you can come to a compromise on where they should fall on your list for the both of you.

You just need to talk this out. Speak up, and be honest. Go in with an open heart and mind and ask that he help make a decision with you that is best for his career AND your family, weighing the two as best as you can.

HUGS!

I agree with Heidi -- rank all the programs he likes but set up the rank order considering your preferences.

[ides]

Yes, Speak up!
when ranking for dh's residency position this year we ranked all the places he could stand to be at and then rearranged the list according to program preference then by location. He said the more he traveled and interviewed the more important location became to him. After going to med school in a location that doesn't suite either one of us, we both took the location question much much more seriously. Before my additude was 'sure anywhere, your education is what's most important'. Now it's 'I could stand it there, but I would be miserable', which was enough for him to move it way down on the list. Luckly we matched above those less desirable cities. He is miserable when I am miserable, so that just won't work for us, anymore. It's got to be 50/50.