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I am feeling pretty down about recent events. Before I describe dh's annoying behavior let me start out by saying he is a sweet, easygoing, laidback and quiet guy who, I have noticed, generally tends to get exactly what he wants career-wise because he is so damn nice about it that people want to help him. We have been together happily for over ten years.
Now, why he is in the doghouse. We have attended two awards dinner/benefits for his work this week. DH actually has MUCH higher EQ or whatnot than I do, but for some reason social events with his attendings make him really nervous and anxious and he is pretty quiet around them. I, however, am VERY used to work cocktail parties and will introduce myself and chat with his attendings, chairman, etc. In some ways, I have more in common with them in terms of where I am in my career and I KNOW from experience that it can be very lonely in supervisory or research positions because no one talks to you. They are very gratified to have someone to talk to who isn't their student and of course, its human nature to be pleased someone is expressing interest in your research. Usually, I have some point of common ground - - my work, past schooling, health policy issues of common interest, on a few occasions even mutual friends. I will also sometimes let them know, in a casual sentence, if I know dh has enjoyed working with them on x project or rotation (as in, "Nice meeting you, I know dh is looking forward to working with you next year" as I leave). This to me is just polite meaningless stuff people say at these things. To my knowledge, these interactions have always gone well - - on multiple occasions his attendings will give me that social kind of shoulder hug thing goodbye (no sexual overtones implied, I would recognize that from past professional experience!), touch my arm goodbye, or on one occasion even email him to tell him they enjoyed meeting me. Outside of his supervisors, I have had several of his female co-residents call me after meeting me and have become friends with them.
Anyway, I think DH is embarrassed of me. He gets really critical: "How could you say that I am looking forward to working with him," "Don't feel like you need to be outgoing," or sometimes before the event, "Don't act like this or that." One time he even made a comment to an attending who was talking about private practice and luxury cars "that I would like that." I was very hurt, I mean really hurt, and offended by that - - I have supported dh, bought our home, paid off almost all of his loans, and if a luxury car was what I wanted I could buy it on my own. He did note after the fact that it was a jackass thing to say. Anyway, all of this is COMPLETELY out of character for him, he is not a critical or controlling person outside these damn work events - - in fact, he has always been my biggest fan and vice versa. Afterwards, he will apologize profusely, tell me he has behaved like a freak and its from social anxiety and I shouldn't take it seriously. But then he will also say I am more assertive or direct than the average person. The other wives in this particular program DO tend to be quieter than I am or talk exclusively about the weather or food or something, but that would be so boring for me that I wouldn't have any fun.
I am completely depressed. I really want him to feel proud of me at these events. Am I victim of his social anxiety? Gender stereotypes? Or my own big mouth? Have any of you encountered problems at social events? Please advise!
Now, why he is in the doghouse. We have attended two awards dinner/benefits for his work this week. DH actually has MUCH higher EQ or whatnot than I do, but for some reason social events with his attendings make him really nervous and anxious and he is pretty quiet around them. I, however, am VERY used to work cocktail parties and will introduce myself and chat with his attendings, chairman, etc. In some ways, I have more in common with them in terms of where I am in my career and I KNOW from experience that it can be very lonely in supervisory or research positions because no one talks to you. They are very gratified to have someone to talk to who isn't their student and of course, its human nature to be pleased someone is expressing interest in your research. Usually, I have some point of common ground - - my work, past schooling, health policy issues of common interest, on a few occasions even mutual friends. I will also sometimes let them know, in a casual sentence, if I know dh has enjoyed working with them on x project or rotation (as in, "Nice meeting you, I know dh is looking forward to working with you next year" as I leave). This to me is just polite meaningless stuff people say at these things. To my knowledge, these interactions have always gone well - - on multiple occasions his attendings will give me that social kind of shoulder hug thing goodbye (no sexual overtones implied, I would recognize that from past professional experience!), touch my arm goodbye, or on one occasion even email him to tell him they enjoyed meeting me. Outside of his supervisors, I have had several of his female co-residents call me after meeting me and have become friends with them.
Anyway, I think DH is embarrassed of me. He gets really critical: "How could you say that I am looking forward to working with him," "Don't feel like you need to be outgoing," or sometimes before the event, "Don't act like this or that." One time he even made a comment to an attending who was talking about private practice and luxury cars "that I would like that." I was very hurt, I mean really hurt, and offended by that - - I have supported dh, bought our home, paid off almost all of his loans, and if a luxury car was what I wanted I could buy it on my own. He did note after the fact that it was a jackass thing to say. Anyway, all of this is COMPLETELY out of character for him, he is not a critical or controlling person outside these damn work events - - in fact, he has always been my biggest fan and vice versa. Afterwards, he will apologize profusely, tell me he has behaved like a freak and its from social anxiety and I shouldn't take it seriously. But then he will also say I am more assertive or direct than the average person. The other wives in this particular program DO tend to be quieter than I am or talk exclusively about the weather or food or something, but that would be so boring for me that I wouldn't have any fun.
I am completely depressed. I really want him to feel proud of me at these events. Am I victim of his social anxiety? Gender stereotypes? Or my own big mouth? Have any of you encountered problems at social events? Please advise!
. This I think is ridiculous and often get annoyed. I must also add, that he is a great dh in any other situation and is very supportive and we have been together for over 10 years. I think it comes down to these two things: his social anxiety that blows his fears out of porportion and social sterotypes which I don't seem to fit into (wife is quite, weak and supportive, man has ego and rules the world.:
: ) So far, dh and I have been working on his anxiety by coming up with a 'behavior game plan' before each event to make things less stressed. Also, if you can get him to talk to you about his fears before the function, even if they are irrational, it will put them to rest and they hopefully wont crop up in an uncool manner during the event in the form of an insult. It has helped us quite a bit, but there is still a lot more work to be done. Hang in there, we're all with you here!
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