Trying to be supportive of resident hubby

Hello,

I am a resident's wife, and over the past 4 years--intern year and residency, I've tried very hard to be supportive. But sometimes I just get so tired of residency, in terms of the enormous sacrifices and time committment and sheer exhaustion he has all the time, and I turn into a resentful, bitter person about it. My husband works 80 hour weeks and I barely have any time to see him, because when he comes home around 6 pm he studies for several hours and then goes to bed. I feel like we only get quality time together when we eat dinner, for about 30 minutes a night. After that, he's studying and goes to bed around 9 pm. Weekends aren't much better.

Last night I got very emotional and cried for about 6 hours and told him how unhappy I've been lately due to several factors, residency being one of them. I feel like I want to spend so much more time with him than we are able to do now and it's so frustrating. He has a big exam coming up and must spend every spare minute studying for it for the next 2 months. When I tell him that I want to spend more time with him he says, what do you want me to do? I have to study. I've been pretty unhappy for the past few years because of the time constraints of residency and also because I'm unhappy with where I'm at in my career (or lack of) and with the lack of friends I've had since I moved here for his residency.

I try to be supportive all the time but sometimes I fall short--like my sobfest last night for 6 hours--and then I feel guilty. I want to be the best wife I can be, and support him and graciously give him all the time he needs to study, but at the same time, as his wife, I have needs, too, that I would like met, namely more quality and quantity time with my husband. I know that he's too tired a lot of the time to be more attentive to me, but at the same time, I can't help wanting him to be attentive, because I get tired of being alone so much, and doing so many things alone, like going out.

Any thoughts? How do others manage to have quantity and quality time with their resident signficant others? How do you avoid feeling resentful and bitter over how much residency keeps you from having the level of closeness and intimacy that you want? He says that after residency is over, the "old husband" will come back, i.e. the one back in med school, before residency started. I hope that's true, but I wonder if an attending's hours and work committments are really all that fewer than a resident's. I know he's giving as much of himself to me as he can, and I feel guilty a lot of the time for feeling that it's not enough, that I want more of his time and attention. Sadly, I never made any friends here after moving here (not knowing anyone) for his residency, so that's made the time committment and the call nights that much harder, without any sort of support system here whatsoever.

Residency is hard, I know. I have immense respect for those who are able to make it through, and I know my husband's residency is not one of the easier ones. 80-hour work weeks, with studying on top of that at night and on weekends would be brutal for anyone, and I respect how hard he is working. I just didn't expect it to be _this_ hard, and for our relationship to change so much between med school (when it seemed he had so much time and we went out all the time) to now. I'm just tired of always delaying gratification--it's been 4 years of it--and hope things will be different once he's done.

[Flynn]

When will he be done? What residency is your DH in???

Just curious how many more years you have to deal with this...but sometimes (I hate to say this but it's true in some cases) the first job after residency isn't much better with the amount of hours...

There HAS to be a balance. Right now he is giving his job 99% and you 1%. That's unacceptable. You should get more time. Maybe he could skip studying some nights and then have a whole afternoon on a day off where it's "study time" so it's a more balanced life with his wife???

I'm short on time now but will write more later....don't you think things should change? What do YOU want?

We have had a lot of issues with the concept of balance during my husband's intern and residency years. The main problem, I think, is his exhaustion. I work full-time and I am exhausted after I come home. I can barely imagine what it would be like to basically work 2 full-time jobs, and then on top of that have so much studying to do.

Plus, his residency and specialty has a lot of call, which will not end once residency is over. After a call night, he has to spend part of his day off catching up on sleep.

But I think were it not for his exhaustion (which is only natural, given his schedule which I've outlined below), I'd be getting the time and attention I want. However, I totally understand that when you're falling asleep on the couch every night in the middle of studying, you're too tired to focus on things like writing love notes.

Here is his schedule (in general):

wake up 5 am
at work by 6 am
home from residency at 6 pm
eat 6-6:30
study 6:30-9
get ready for bed/bed at 9

Weekends aren't that much better, because many weekends he has to go in, or has call, or has a lot of sleep deprivation catch-up to do, which I totally understand. But I would really like to go out more. Friday nights we usually end up with take-out and a movie. Saturdays and Sundays he ususally studies nearly all of the day. The problem is that he feels guilty about going out when there's studying to do. On Saturday, I went to a museum and for a nice walk through the park....alone. I didn't even really enjoy myself, because all I saw were people with other people, and I felt so alone. So incredibly alone, that I practically started crying on my walk back.

Sometimes when I complain about us not having enough quality time together, my husband feels like I don't appreciate the things he does do. And then that makes me feel bad. I don't mean to be unappreciative. The problem is, I want more. I don't want to be unreasonable--I'm not an overly needy, demanding person. But I am a wife and I have needs. My lack of friends here is unfortunate, and I did my absolute best to make friends but it never happened.

What I'd like is for my husband to make the same kind of effort he made back when he was in med school and had so much time. Such as planning a fun date for us once in awhile, that involves going out. Or writing me a love note once in awhile. Or doing something like that to make me feel special. To his credit, he does not watch TV or go out with other people, and when he's not at work he's at home, studying, but nearby, and I appreciate that. But at the same time I want quality time--his attention and not just sitting together on the same couch reading our separate materials.

I hear people talking at my office about their evenings with their significant others, and it makes me feel envious. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go home from work--and have every night with your significant other to spend however you want. Making dinner together, playing board games, going out to eat, taking walks, having long, deep discussons for hours--these are luxuries I can only dream about.

What can I do to make this situation better?

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain and frustration. My fiance is just approaching the end of his 2nd year of med school with Step I approaching, and he studies with his headphones on all day long, so even though we're in the same house all day, I feel guilty everytime I make him pull his earphones off so I can ask him little questions like, "What do you want for dinner tonight?" It's an invisible wall, but it is obviously there and apparent. I do find myself frustrated that I cook and clean up the dishes after each meal, walk the dog, clean the house, etc. But I am lucky in that my fiance has a mild case of ADD and can relax, so we'll watch a movie together or on occasion go out for lunch or dinner on the weekend. He's able to relax and get his mind off of studying, which is something I'm incredibly grateful for.

I say sit him down and gently request a date night once a week that you'll plan and your one request is for him to relax and focus on your relationship and non-school discussions. If you plan it, that's one less stress for him and hopefully he'll relax and enjoy the time you have together.

As for the loneliness, don't give up on trying to make new friends. I recently made a new girlfriend and we've bonded because her husband is a chef and works 3-11pm, so she's developed hobbies and various groups of friends to keep herself occupied. It's been nice to have someone else to vent to and lean on. Another thing is this forum is full of significant others that are dealing with the same thing, plus kids! They're amazing spouses in my opinion. Their advice is invaluable.

Hang in there, you sound like you're being as strong as you can and it's okay and normal that you've broken down like this. You have a great spirit!

[SueC]

I think he needs to gain some perspective. Right before his test might not be the best time to get him to slow down (though it seems like he could give you at least one night a week), but after his test, I think he needs to come up with a more reasonable schedule. My dh might not be the gold standard for how much to study during residency, but I think studying every evening and weekend is way too much!!!
Is he doing a fellowship, will you guys be staying put after the residency, etc.? If you aren't getting ready to move, I'd say you also would benefit from developing some outside interests. I had to learn to kind of do my own thing throughout residency and fellowship which helped me deal with my dh's absence.

[Flynn]

Sue Wrote:

I think studying every evening and weekend is way too much!!!

I agree. He is not participating in his marriage and it will come back to bite you both if some kind of balance cannot be achieved.

Now comes the part you don't want to hear -- his schedule isn't that bad. Home by 6 sounds like a huge Christmas gift to me!!!!

I would negotiate for at least two evenings off from studying. Working on his marriage should be at least AS important as being a good resident.

Will he listen?

[Vishenka69]

Your DH's schedule is very similar to mine but it's still possible to spend time together. While my DH tries to study as much as possible and does so every chance he gets, he has learned to live with skipping a few days a week. About half way through his internship year, I had the same reaction as you and just broke down. Luckily that was a wake up call for him and I was able to explain that marriage takes two people to participate. He's much better now and I can usually get at least an hour from him during the week and a day over the weekend.

[alison]

Residency is SO hard, but I have to admit that I envy the fact that you've got 4 years under your belt. You're a pro! It's difficult to be a supportive wife, I know... But you're almost there (depending on the residency). Are there things that have actually gotten better over the 4 years?

Do you have old friends or family that you chitchat on the phone with?

Dh is also busy with studying and sleeping when he's got the rare time off. I think I even caught him dozing off during Mission Impossible 3 this past weekend! The poor guy is SO tired! I used to really suffer under the lack of time he's had/has for me, but it does get better. It really does, even though is anything they do ever really enough? I think we're the toughest judges of this.

I used to find myself resorting to (when dh got home from call some mornings) sitting next to the tub and talking to him --or jumping in the shower too! :@ . When he would take naps, I'd lie next to him and read. I still find some measure of comfort and being-togetherness when I do this.

Studying is hands-off and non-negotiable for me, because when I'm in the thick of my studies, I don't want anyone resenting me or what I do. I need someone supportive and loving, who, when I take a study-break can make me forget about how stressful studying is. I think residency is just as tough on the resident as it is on the resident spouse--they've worked so hard to be where they are, and they've got the performance pressure at work and at home. It's not a cakewalk for them. I don't think this is the "better half" I'd want to be. Keep in mind that residency is temporary. Keep your chin up and our mind open to books, hobbies (I've taken up photography--which is fun for walks alone), recipes to try out, and so on...

I hope things get better...

Our compromise is that DH studies or works on research projects about 5 or 6 nights a week. He takes off 1 or 2 nights. He is studying for the boards.

His schedule is similar and not really all that bad, IMO. He leaves between 5:30 and 7:00am, depending on the day, and is usually home by 7:00. Spends 1/2 hour with the kids and then we spend about 1/2 hour together and he studies for a few hours. He is also usually available for most of the weekend if he isn't on call.

Sure, I've fantasized about tossing his books in the fire a few times but if we set aside some time to talk before he studies it works out well. Some people need to study more than others, some specialties require more of it than others but I think it is reasonable to carve out some time for you two to catch up.

Seriously - home by 6P is good -- I wish I'd appreciated it more when we had it, b/c now home by 7P is great. My dh is studying too (and I've carped about it quite a bit), and we have 2 kids that don't get to see him.

I agree with Nellie - some people need to study more than others, and if you can make some time to communicate before he starts, perhaps that would help. My dh chooses to study at the office (remember, 2 kids), so we can't do that. I'm assuming your dh is studying for boards, so once that is passed, perhaps you'll be in a better place relationship wise.

[DCJenn]

We also are stuck in the studying mode and our compromise is that he is with the family until 8pm and then can study for as long as he wants after that. He also usually studies on Saturdays with Sundays off (or vice versa).

Since the Army has just sent the first child neurologist to Iraq, I figure about this time next year it'll be his turn. If he wants to study, fine, at least he's home.

Jenn

[BonBon]

I also agree with those who have said that you shouldn't plan on it getting better once you're out of residency. My dear friend is married to an anesthesiologist and she said there is very little difference between her life now and how it was during residency except that the paychecks are much much larger.

Have to agree with this. Here is an excerpt of an email DH sent from work today:

I'll give you a call when I have a good idea about an ETA, right now my guess is home between 5:30 and 7. So much for an early single heart day. Then I'm priority tomorrow, on first call the next day, and working post-call the day after that. I guess you weren't kidding when you said you'd see me next weekend.

It is now 10:10 pm. He still isn't home. So yeah, I won't spend any quality time with him until the weekend. It's unfortunate, but with this lifestyle, you have to learn to enjoy spending a lot of time alone. And my DH is in one of what's considered a 'lifestyle specialty'. Yeah right.

[alison]

Oh gosh, I really hate those short days that turn into early evenings that turn into evenings that turn into late nights.

Dh is on call tonight and I'm holding up ok. But at least I know he's not coming home tonight. It's almost easier than waiting up for someone.

Hugs!

Is it too late to go back to an unfulfillling career in computers?

Oh gosh, I really hate those short days that turn into early evenings that turn into evenings that turn into late nights.

Bah! Me too! I RARELY resort to paging SO at work, but when it's 9:30 and I haven't heard from him yet, I go for it. Done it twice in 2 years. The image of him lying in the gutter with his bike in pieces around him is not something I like to sit with very long. Fortunately, it's always been the case of a heavy admission night. But one's mind does wander. If he's on call, I know I won't hear from him until I'm at work the next day and he's falling into bed. Hate. Late. Nights.

Back on topic though... it's really important to have SOME compromise. While this career is more of a lifestyle than any other, he can't ignore the fact that he DOES have a life that he chose to SHARE with you. You sound like a very understanding, rational person who loves and misses your husband. Tell him he needs to pull his head out of his bu... er... BOOKS every so often and involve you. It sucks when we start to feel like we're mere observers of their lives. Date nights have saved us! We intentionally go out to dinner at least once a week because we know we will end up having more quality time than we would if I cooked at home. This way, we have a drink, order, talk while we wait for our food to come, talk while we eat, talk while we wait for the bill and walk home hand-in-hand. That hour and a half(ish) is pure quality time. I highly recommend it. Especially if he's home by 6 - what a dream!