stagnation

I feel like I'm totally stagnating. It's an awful feeling. I've felt like I've been stagnating for a year now, since I took the April MCAT '05. Since then, I've been in several entry-level or dead-end jobs, including my current one as a legal secretary, can't seem to move ahead in my career path, generally feel sad and alone, and haven't made any friends since moving to my new city in '03.

I really want to get out of this stagnation, but I'm not sure how. I just feel like I haven't achieved anything in over a year, and it's really bothering me. I haven't moved forward at all in over a year, since April '05. I haven't done anything interesting at all. And I really haven't had much fun this year, either. At least if I was having a lot of fun, the lack of accomplishing anything wouldn't seem so unbearable.

The only remotely achievement-related things I've done in this year are taking a painting class for a year (though I can't really say if/how much I've improved) and decided on a new city to move to for next year (we're moving July 15). That's basically it.

Part of the reason I haven't accomplished anything is because of my long stretches of unemployment/ employment in dead-end jobs has really affected my motivation and has been very draining. After my job in the operating room ended in April, I took the MCAT for a second time (sadly only improving one point over my last test) and then decided to put my pre-med dreams on hold. Then I looked for a job for 6 months, but my law degree kept holding me back (as employer after employer told me I was overqualified for the entry-level jobs I was applying for). So I ended up working at the mall for $9 an hour while my boss was 10 years younger than me. Then I landed an entry-level job, only to be fired nearly 6 months later. Then I was unemployed again and then landed a job (my current one) as a legal secretary, which I cannot stand. This job totally drains my energy.

Whenever I get my alumni magazines in the mail, it makes me feel depressed and makes my self-esteem plummet even more as I read all about my classmates who are now doctors, lawyers, PhDs, etc. all doing exciting things and achieving all sorts of things and then there's me, the law graduate-turned-legal secretary. Imagine if I actually wrote in that I spend my days filing, typing and answering phones. I spend my days bored out of my mind while still being unable to settle on a career path and move forward. I just don't think a career in law is going to fulfill me. Besides medicine, I'm not sure what else would. I decided to put my medical dreams on hold for now because if I apply again for a second time (first time applying I got no interviews) with my second MCAT score, I won't get any interviews again, as my second MCAT score was just one point better than my first. So sadly, it looks like, for now at least, unless I retake the MCAT a third time, medicine is not an option.

It's been a hard year. I don't think I've ever stagnated this much before. What can I do to get out of this quagmire of stagnation? I want to do something interesting and meaningful, or work in a career that I'm passionate about, but I have no idea what that might be. I know exactly the kinds of things I do and don't want in a job (like I can't stand desk jobs, want a socially responsible job, etc.) but have no idea how to match those traits with an actual career. I've seen career counselors who haven't been able to help me, and have read tons of career books. I feel like second fiddle to my husband, who is almost done with residency, and in a few months will be moving up in the world, starting a real job and making real money, while I'll probably be back working in retail, due to being unable to find a job and will still be stagnating.

The saddest part is that I never thought that this would be the way things turned out. I went to an Ivy college, then got into a good law school, and this is where I end up. It really is getting to me. I tried so hard to get into a med school and that didn't work out, and then I tried so hard to find a solid non-legal position, and that didn't work out either. I feel like I have so much potential to offer, but employers won't give me a chance. It's a really awful feeling to know you're capable of so much more, but instead your brain cells are atrophying due to complete lack of stimulation. I try to read several non-fiction books per month, but that's not enough to keep my brain occupied.

To top it all off, I have no support system whatsoever--i.e. no friends-- and my husband is on Q3 this month. My failed attempts to make friends have only added to this feeling of stagnation. And this year of residency my husband has been busier than ever. Arggghhhhh!!!!!

Anyone else ever been there? How do I get out of this stagnation? How do you give yourself a life makeover? How do you get out of a rut like this?

Yes, we are basically 6 weeks from being done with training. I am excited about the move--it was a mutually-decided on decision (actually more my decision as this new city will be better for me career-wise--at least I think so).

But I am only neutral about the happiness about being done with training. Hubby will still have a bad call schedule as an attending, which is irksome. Plus, everyone is singing his praises now that he's going to be a real dawkter--and it's making me feel invisible. What doesn't help at all is comments from my parents, such as "why are you even bothering to look for a job/career? Your husband will be making enough to take care of you. Why not just not work and instead go out and take some more art classes." Arggghhhhh!!!!! Comments like these bug the crap out of me.

I wish I had a job/career lined up in our new city but I don't, as I don't know anyone there/have no networks or contacts, and it's hard to do a long-distance job search. So I guess I'll wait until after I get there. If I had something career-wise to get excited about for me, I'd be more excited.

The other annoying thing is that my hubby is insistent that things will get better once he is done with residency. But I'm not so sure about that. His residency has been BRUTAL. And now he's talking about taking up multiple hobbies, taking yoga, going out every night, cooking every night, and quite honestly, all this talk irks me. I feel like it's too little, too late, after feeling neglected for the past 4 years. I'm not ready to embrace his overflowing enthusiasm for all the free time he supposedly thinks he'll have, until I actually see evidence of it.

The other thing that bothers me is that he is going to be moving up in life--soon to be the big fancy dawkter--and I'm still going to be the wife who is "treading water" as my father likes to call it. Sadly, it's an apt description of what I've been doing for the past 3 years since graduating law school, including such jobs as retail and legal secretary. I wish I knew what career direction to take--but it's no clearer to me even after 3 years of soul-searching and countless discussions with people. Suddenly, he's going to morph into a 29-year-old who's making over $200K per year, and I'll likely end up with a $35K job, if that. This disparity in income _really_ bothers me. To me, being financially independent is very important, and when DH starts buying big TVs, a new car, etc. I'm going to feel left in the dust. He'll be the one with the suddenly exploding paycheck and I'll be...well....in the same place as I am now. This saddens me immensely and is part of the reason why I'm mired in this stagnatory funk. Until I'm happy with my career situation, I won't be able to feel like an equal partner with DH. And I am definitely not happy with my career situation now. I also want to be recognized as a successful person in my own right--not always in DH's shadow, which I always feel I am.

[poky]

(OK, I wrote the following, then re-read it, and realized that a lot of these questions could be taken as bitchy or judgemental - please don't; I'm honestly curious, and wondering if you've thought about some of these things.)

I have to wonder why you feel like you have to be in competition with your husband? Why aren't you happy for him, proud of him? Why is it "his" money vs. "my" money, and "him" that'll be buying things? Why isn't it "our" money and "us" buying things? If you weren't bringing in a paycheck, would he be telling you what you could buy and what you couldn't? Would large purchases be joint decisions, or would he bully you because he's the one with the big paycheck? Is that what you'd do if your roles were reversed? I guess what I'm asking is, is this angst all your perception of your status, or is it actually based on knowledge of how he's going to behave?

Isn't he also going to have humongous debt to go along with that humongous paycheck?

I totally get the need to be finanacially independent, but your friends and family are right; once he's bringing that money in, you have the luxury of not *having* to work at crappy jobs you don't like just to put food on the table; give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do, and then go after that. You said medical jobs are the only ones that really interest you, but your MCAT wasn't good enough to get interviews...have you looked into other medical jobs? PA? NP? Veterinarian, even? Is it actually the medicine that interests you, or is it the prestige you're seeing your husband getting that you want for yourself?

I guess, thinking about it, I'm probably actually not a very good person to help; by nature I'm a behind-the-scenes, supporter type, and always have been; I've never really understood the kind of ambition and desire for status that you seem to have so much of. I'm happy knowing that I earn enough money of my own that if the worst were to happen, I could live OK by myself on my paycheck; I don't need any more than that for a safety net. I think it also helps that my husband and I are a little older, and we've set the precedent that all our money is just that, OUR money, not his and mine. We each get equal amounts of "play money" to spend on whatever, each paycheck, and the rest goes to bills and other joint expenses. I can definitely see other, less equal arrangements, causing some problems, though...

:L

Sounds like you should be talking to someone who could help you work through these inferiority feelings you're having. I also feel like there are some serious motivational issues and probably some underlying marital discord. Your concern with prestige and money is troubling.

Seriously - you've got to let yourself be happy. Russ may be right, and this may be more than internet forums and career books can help. Working with a real, live person who gives instant feedback, can call you on BS, and can give workable suggestions in your true life situation may be what you need.

You're at a point in your life as a couple that many of us spent years dreaming about and it sounds as though you cannot let yourself be happy. If you think things are strained now, just imagine if you were to get your end-all, be-all dream of medical school. 2 years of classroom, 2 more years of total scut-work, and that's before you even get the grand title of Doctor (but everyone in the world will still think you're a student). Then you get to KNOW you're a doctor, but still get treated like a peon for intern year -- and the rest of residency. Similar to knowing you're a lawyer but working as a legal secretary.

You've got to take what you've got and try to make the best of it. IMO. Should you be a hanger-on of your husband's coattails? No - but you've got the education to go out an make a nice living for yourself.

:thud:
After reading your posts and getting a very clear sense of the overall theme, it does sound like some soul searching with the guidance of a professional would benefit you tremendously. I also don't know if "stagnant" is an entirely accurate way to describe your situation - that may just be how things look on the surface (which is why it's surprising to hear you use that term). You seem to be stuck in an active analyzing phase right now, taking a step or two in the only direction that seems clear to you, only to be thwarted and pushed back. It seems cyclical and I think somebody accustomed to dealing with self-destructive (please know I am using the term loosely) patterns might be able to help you get yourself out of it. Career counselors and this group can be very sympathetic and offer suggestions, but your own shrink can help you be totally honest with yourself, make better choices (I am not judging the choices you have made, I only mean to remind you that some have not made you happy), and set some new goals that may ultimately help you achieve your goal of dawkterdom (or may help you realize there's something else even more fulfilling and attainable).

You're obviously bright and ambitious and you sound nice, but I fear that your despair over your situation may be off-putting to potential new friends - not that I think you're "putting it out there" on, say Craig's List, like you are with us - but people are pretty intuitive. I say this as somebody who recently ended a friendship with someone who became stuck in a similar phase for several years. We got to the point where I wasn't her friend; I was merely filling the void where a psychologist should have been. Now, when I meet new people, I look for certain "red flags" I regret ignoring in her. I think everyone does that at some point after college, which is why it's so hard to make friends as an adult. We cave to our inhibitions and trust our instincts.

Jesher's right, you need to let yourself be happy and not tie all potentially good (or bad) feelings to your career status. You can only "tread" for so long, so get to a shrink while your head is still above water.

[Sheherezade]

It sounds like your in a total funk. I'm sorry. I actually can relate pretty well. For me, I jumped off the career track when I had kids. I can still feel the pull... and often feel I've let myself down. Luckily, my DH doesn't see it at all that way and I can see the difference having me around has made in our children's lives. Still, if the "strive to succeed" mentality has been driven in to you since birth, it's hard to escape feelings of inadequacy when you are off the society stamp-of-approval path to importance.

Here's my 2 cent advice. Try to find some things that matter to you in life and actively work towards contributing to these efforts over the next year. If it's housing for the homeless, then call up habitat for humanity and donate some time. If it's women's rights, find an organization that you can work with to better the plight of women with BIG problems. You are lucky and you have a lot to offer the world. It isn't clear what direction you should take now, but hopefully you will figure that out in good time. Lots of people don't find their niche until the get older. Lots of people change careers because their first choice was unfufilling. Try to look at the possibilities in your new situation and force yourself to make small steps in a new direction. Don't agonize for awhile. Put your angst away for 6 mos and just try some new things. You may find that you make some choices subconsiously. You may also meet new friends and contacts that share your interests. You will add some depth to your resume.

I'm gathering from your post that your family and your DH aren't pressuring you to get back on track (although I do wonder about the "treading water" comment ). If that is true, than give yourself a break and start your new life plan with this move. We are all allowed to have bad times in life. Residency seems like a good choice for that....but it's over now, so you can start to move ahead again.

[PrincessFiona]

veg,

I have struggled with similar issues from time to time (as you know) but have slowly come to realize that those feelings were a lot more about the feelings that I had about myself. I also compared myself to my dh and to others around me (neighbors, friends, colleageus) and tended to allow myself to feel badly about the choices that I had made.

Now I realize that it is important to slow down and find your cneter...who you are, wha tmakes you happy, etc...all outside of the glow of 'career' or 'prestige'.

Give yourself permission to use this time to just do some "slow down therapy" with yourself. Allow yourself to read, paint, pack, explore other interests etc without feeling that you are not 'busy' enough, 'important' enough, etc.....

You can always still go back to law, med school or whatever it is that you are thinking about right now....but...these years...being young...happen one time...allow yourself time to explore who you are and feel good about you...and by all means...if talking to someone helps then do it. I'm a proponent of going to see a 'shrink' to work things through when you need it.

kris

Thanks for all your replies.

I've been stuck in this analyzing phase for 3 years now. I don't know how to get out of it. Therapy is not an option right now. We simply have too many expenses and too little money for it. Maybe in a few months.

Anyhow, I've been analyzing since I graduated law school. In my post-bacc program I was super happy. I had tons of motivation--motivation I didn't think I was capable of. When I worked in the operating room (after my post-bacc was done) I would get up at 5 am with my hubby, get to work early, and study for the MCAT until 7, and then I'd put in a good 6 hours after work. Sadly, after I received my second MCAT score, my motivation took a nose dive and I became very unmotivated and restless. This hasn't let up yet, and it's been over a year now.

I'm not sure how to get my "groove" back. It's definitely gone out the window. My main activites are very passive in nature: watching movies, reading, Internet. I do walk for 1.5 hours per day, so at least that's something, and I enjoy playing with our cats. But beyond that--I really haven't had the motivation to do anything more, such as working on my goals. Part of it is that DH is rarely around, and that makes me feel sad and lonely so I am spending mental energy dealing with that. Another reason is that these jobs I've held drain my mental and physical energy because they're so tedious and boring. So when I come home from work I'm not full of energy and vigor. I lay down on the couch and don't get up until it's time for bed.

I admit that I am obsessed with career success and always have been. It's mostly because of my attending a cutthroat college prep school, where college counseling began in the 8th grade. At a school where people began preparing themselves for college admissions at 14, it's hard to undo that way of thinking. Then I went to a college where everyone was also the overachieving type, and well....you can see where this mentality came from. Plus, the way people (like my family) treats me as the invisible spouse only makes things worse.

Interestingly, though, my family isn't pressuring me to get back on track. I think as soon as I was engaged, they basically washed their hands of pushing me to "be somebody." I get the feeling that they believe now that I'm "set" with DH being a dawkter and all, that whatever work--or no work at all--I choose is fine. However, at age 22 their story was far different.

This double standard really bothers me. When I was in high school and college they were pushing all the way for me to go to professional school and make something of myself. But then when I got engaged, it was like my career aspirations didn't matter anymore.

I often wonder how my family and others would treat me if I was a guy with my past job history. Law school, then post-bacc, then a series of low-paying, temp jobs, culminating in legal secretary. I'm sure they'd be furious and would tell me to just suck it up and deal with being a lawyer, because that's what a real man would do. Interestingly, though, no one has said such things to me, being a woman. Instead, they're just like, "veggie will find herself one of these days" and they roll their eyes. But if I was a guy, I know that things would be different--society would view me as a failure, as a slacker, as someone who should just suck it up and deal with being a lawyer--even if it was personally unfulfilling. But that's how I view me. And that's why I've decided to go ahead and take the bar exam. Because I need to more forward with something after treading water for the past 3 years.

I want to enjoy being young.....but at the same time, I feel enormous pressure to achieve and work toward my goals because I'm getting older and because the clock is ticking. I want to feel like my ducks are in a row before we start having kids. And I don't feel like my ducks are in any sort of a row now.


As for the competition with my husband.....that's always been there. It started because I longed to be where he is....in medicine, because medicine has always been my lifelong dream. Then, when I didn't get a single interview for my application cycle in '05, and when I took the MCAT twice with no improvement, I started feeling upset that I worked so hard to try to achieve my dream of being a doctor....and failed. That meant every exciting case DH did, every accolade he got, represented one more thing that was inferior about me and superior about him.

I always had a healthy self-esteem up through law school. I felt good about myself. Then, after the post-bacc, my self-esteem plummeted, and has not recovered. It's kind of like when some women think they're fat but they're really not. I had a friend like this--she was very thin but would look in the mirror and only comment on her fat butt or thighs--which were completely normal in size. I look in the mirror and all I can see is failure. I agree that I need to work on this inferiority complex but I don't know how. The only thing I think that would help it would be to achieve the level of career success that I yearn for--either getting into med school or something comparable and getting back to working on my goals and achieving them.

[mommax3]

It sounds to me like you may be depressed. I can understand not having money for a counselor/therapist, but how about a visit to your dr. to talk about anti-depressants?

Also, this may sound hoky, but I have done this when I have been stuck in a funk......you know how Oprah always talks about a gratitude journal? Try it.....it has always helped me.

Regardless of what you decide, try to remember that you are more than your job/profession, and so is your husband. If you are energized by the medical field, try to get into it through another door. The MD is not the be-all end-all, you know? If the field makes you happy, find something in the field that you can do. There were some great job suggestions earlier in the thread. You can always start as a med tech and pursue more training as you go along.

Good luck to you.......resolve to do one proactive thing about this issue *tomorrow*! Life is too short to sit around thinking about what could have/should have been.

Sally

If therapy is an option in a few months, that is a reasonable amount of time for a short-term game plan to get you from here to there (therapy, a plan) and for something to look forward to. Your family's view of you might not be the best way to measure yourself. Looking into medication is a good start as is a gratitude journal.

Have you considered volunteering? I know you don't want to practice law but you could still use those skills and really help some people via Legal Aid or a similar organization. That would help to fill your need for a socially responsible job.

Really evaluate whether or not you can afford to see a counselor. I finally started to see one a couple of months ago and it's the best money I've spent. Once I met my deductible, I only pay $33 per session. Seriously consider it.

a lot of counselors will also charge based on a sliding scale so that it CAN be affordable for those who need it.

Thank you for your replies.

I have definitely considered volunteering. After the bar exam, and after we move I'm going to look into using my legal skills in a non-profit setting and volunteer with a cause I care deeply about. I think that would be a good start to making me feel like I'm actually helping to make someone's life a little better, which is very important to me.

But as for putting the angst away for awhile and just trying to be happy...that's really hard. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if I know how to just "be happy" anymore without worrying about/dealing with all the other angst, such as my lack of career, lack of motivation, etc. The past 4 years of residency have left me feeling bitter and resentful. Not getting anywhere in the med school admissions process made me feel bad about myself. And working a series of sucky jobs has also added to that feeling, and all these feelings add up to making it hard for me to shake them off and feel happy again on a regular basis.


How do you start motivating yourself after a long hiatus to start working on your goals again? How do you avoid feeling regret for a wasted couple of years, and avoid beating yourself up over your lack of doing anything productive in that time? I think feelings of regret and feelings of not living up to my potential and regret over that are the main problems I've been trying to deal with. Anyone else been there?

You know, in reading your post, I am not sure now is the time for you to relax, reflect, enjoy your dh's new job. I say that not because I think any of these are bad things - - but because it does not sound like its in your personality. I think you are competing with your husband right now because you don't have another outlet for your competitiveness.

I do empathize with your situation - - I have always been a competitive person who requires a great deal of external stimulation and structure. People don't always respond favorably to this type of drive in a woman, it strikes them as unnatural in a way it wouldn't if it was a man. But, despite what your parents or friends say, I think you need to acknowledge your basic nature. For me, no matter how much I want to say that challenging work and good money and prestige aren't important to me (it does sound noble, even now I wish it was true!) - - it would be counterproductive and frustrating and it would never have gotten me to where I wanted to be. I have observed alot of similarly highly competitive, type A women deny this aspect of their personality, sublimate it in their spouse's careers, and generally drive everyone around them crazy . . .

So, I think based on your description of your personality, you probably do need to channel your considerable professional energy somewhere. But, I must also caution you: 1) what you are talking about requires years of sacrifice, it takes years to get to where you want professionally particularly with the type of high income/prestige jobs you are referring to 2) think about trading off some money for happiness - - 200k is not a realistic starting goal and you may find that slightly less money and more interesting work/flexibility are a better combination - - beyond a comfortable income, there are diminishing returns to more money and most doctors I see, such as your husband, barely get to enjoy the money they make because they are working long, hard hours; and 3) don't lose sight of family, friends, children - - a challenging, rewarding job is a wonderful part of life, but there are other wonderful parts you don't want to miss out on either.

Have you tried DO schools as well as MD? Have you been job shadowing dentists or optometrists or some other health field you are interested in. I think you need to commit fully to figuring your career because these half-measures are clearly driving you crazy - - use your dh's money to stay home and study full time for the mcat if that is what is needed. If that doesn't work and medicine is not in the cards for you then you need to confront that head on and figure out your alternative route.