How do you make new friends in new city, as an adult?

Hi!

Well, residency is almost over and DH and I will be moving again to a brand new city, half the country away, where we know no one.

I'm wondering how you make new friends as an adult--i.e. no longer in school. It was always easy for me to make friends in college and grad school, but then I moved here (where DH did his residency) and I didn't know a single person and sadly, after 3 years, I didn't make a single friend. I met some nice people, but no one seemed interested in friendship. I spent a lot of lonely call nights sitting at home, alone, or, I'd go out for dinner and a movie or something--alone. With DH on call so often, and especially in the winter, I started feeling kind of depressed.

I really made a big effort to go out and meet people. Besides hoping to make friends at my jobs, I took some adult ed classes to try to meet people, but that didn't work out. And no one at the jobs I held seemed interested either, though it was very touching when I left my legal secretary job, some of the legal secretaries gave me a goodbye card and we went out to lunch.

So now we're getting ready to move to our new city in less than a month, and I'm wondering what the best way is to make female friends. I've tried meeting people through Craig's List (both here and in advance in our new city) but it seems like that never really works out. Also, we don't have kids, and are 29 years old. I think it will be easier to make friends once we have kids and are interacting with other young parents, but as it is now, it's extremely hard for me to find a woman who is interested in expanding her social circle.

Any suggestions? I guess what I've been finding is that people already have their groups of friends established, and aren't looking to add one more. I'm very proactive about taking the first step and asking people out for lunch or coffee, but then I never seem to get a return invitation. I think I'm a nice person with a lot to offer a friend, but I never seem to get the chance to make the strong friendships I miss from college and grad school.

[MissCrabette]

I would love to know the answer to this question. I am one year out of school and have quit a job within the past few months so I came across the same challenge. My school friends and former coworkers are scattered all over the state and even out of state. To make things worse, I'm an independent contractor at the moment and I rarely see my coworkers. When I do see them, they're running arround like chickens with their heads cut off.

I guess I can't complain too much for lack of socialization because I'm back living at home with my parents and seeing the rest of my family regularly. Even so, I still feel like I'm missing something.

You're right, people seem to have their established circles of friends and they're not eager to make room for one more friend. :|

[DCJenn]

I signed up for a yoga class, I participated in the homeowner's association, I walked everywhere and I talked to everyone.

I ended up making a few friends- but hey, a few are better than none.

Jenn

Have children. Seriously. I had one friend (who was a former neighbor) in my old city until I had my oldest child. By going through the various baby groups (library, LLL, kindermusik, Children's Museum) I met and made friends I kept the rest of my time there.

I read somewhere that you make friends 3 or 4 times in your life...grade/high chool, college, when you have a baby and I can't remember ther 4th if there is one.

Also, joining a church added to my circle. Most major cities have a ton of houses of worship for a variety of religions and various Chrisitan denominations. In the South, its the third thing people ask when they meet you, after where are your people from and what does your hubby do for a living.

Volunteering and exercise classes are good routes, too.

[Sheherezade]

It's hard, isn't it? It was easier to bond when I had babies/toddlers. That would be a good time to make close friends without too much effort. After that stage though, you are back to the norm - people aren't too open to friendship. My only advice would be to keep plugging away at it. Come here for support. Gawd knows, I'll understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school - putting myself out there over and over and getting "hurt" when someone doesn't call back. I think it's worth it in the end. Friendships and social support are the best stress reducers around. It's just getting to that point that's so much work.

I've been at it for a few years here (after moving away *twice* from good friends made during my kids early years ) and I' am just starting to make some headway. I think that routine is the key to hooking up with people. Joining things makes that easy, because you can meet up at the meetings or work without effort on either party's side. With my older kids, I've found that picking them up at school every day has led to meeting other parents that do the same. Bus? No way. It would kill my social life. Maybe you could do the same by going to the gym at the same time each day or frequenting a coffee shop? Starting a book group through the library? Honestly, so many people out there have this problem - we should all just hook up already. You could also check out MeetUp.com I haven't tried it, but I think meeting friends was the point of the site.

I think one of the hardest parts about being friendless is feeling like a "loser."

For instance, at one of my jobs, every Friday the gal who worked in the office next to mine's cell phone would go off like every 5 minutes, and she'd be making plans for the entire weekend. Sometimes we'd walk out of the office together, and she'd ask what I'd be doing. I'd usually have basically nothing to say. Her weekend, on the other hand, was like a cruise schedule--jam-packed with friends and activities. However, not once did she invite me along to any of her outings, even though I mentioned several times that I didn't know many people in town.

This also happened at my legal secretary job. Well meaning secretaries would ask me what I did over the weekend, and my meager response usually drew sympathetic smiles. That's because most weekends DH was on call and I'd either sit home alone or go out alone for a few activities. I'd go to museums or something alone on a Saturday and feel quite sad experiencing the activity alone.

Why is it that people aren't "kind" so much anymore? If I was working at a place, and someone came to work there who didn't know anyone and was new in town, I would go out of my way to include that person at least during the workday, such as asking them to lunch, etc. But when I've been in that place, people have ignored me.

I just want to connect with a friend, the way I did back in college and law school. I haven't had "girl talk" in years--and I miss it! I haven't had a friend to call just to chat in years. We also never made any couple friends, which would also be nice.

I guess that's why probably not a whole lot of people do what we've done--move twice to a brand new city where we know no one and have no family. I guess that's why many people settle in a city where they have family or at least have some friends. I get a lot of puzzled looks when people ask why we're moving where we're moving. "For an adventure," I say.

[DCJenn]

Yeah, it's hard. When we moved to Texas the last time, I was also the boss of everyone that I worked with. Needless to say, it was a bit of downer- they'd go fun places, and even if we did a happy hour, I always felt it was my duty to leave after no more than an hour. I mean you can't talk about the boss if she's drinking a margarita next you!

Seriously though, the only way I stayed sane was to find a spot that I needed to find anyway and go there. One weekend I decided to find the Public Library. (which wasn't hard when I discovered that it was the huge hulking red building immediately across the street from our apartment...that trip didn't take long)

But I'd go to the museums (and I'm no Artsy-fartsy person, it was just something to keep me from festering in the house), find the fun grocery store, etc. And at the grocery stores, the community bulletins are a great source for finding stuff to do. and when we moved back to DC, the dog park became our instant "in" into the neighborhood.

I've found that even though I'm not by nature a "joiner", this lifestyle kind of forces us into that mode.

Jenn

[Vanquisher]

It is really hard. It always takes me a few years to find people to be friends with in a new place. I am not one of those people who just makes friends easily, though I desperately want to be. I am more likely to stay at home.

I don't think having kids makes it easier! If you are a homebody like me it doesn't. I don't have the money for gymboree classes and preschool. My son rides the bus. Not that I would get any more friends if I drove him. It's just a line that cars go in and drop their kids off. Parents never get out of their cars.

Anyway, you seem to be able to really get out there, so kudos to you for that. It's better than I have been able to do.

I find it is easy to talk to people, but hard to get to the friend stage. I want instant friends! Can't these people see I am desperate? It just has never happened that way for me.

Good luck to you. It is really, really hard.

[Phoebe]

It is tough to make friends as an adult. My mom is divorced and never goes out. She really has no friends except through work and a couple from high school. It is tough to see her lonely after giving up most of her friends for my dad.

Most of the friends I have made came through having kids, work or DH's work. After fellowship, I wasn't working so friends have been made through neighbors and DH's work. I haven't really made any friends through my kids activities or school because I don't feel like I am that outgoing. Scrapbooking has helped me meet some people, but I don't really have time to get out much. I feel isolated sometimes because most of the neighborhood activities take place on the weekends where I have to attend solo because of DH working.

Is there a spouses group where you live?

Jennifer

In Cleveland I met people via the hospital spouses group. I was never much of a work-friend kind of person ... I never loved my job, and if that was all I had in common with them, then it didn't help. I also met A LOT of people when I sold Tastefully Simple for a year. I hated selling the stuff -- we needed the money, but I met a lot of very fun people (not all of them by any means) - mostly my customers - and became friends with many of them. I guess when you're preparing to invade someone's kitchen for an evening, you kind of get to know them.

Here in KC, I was definitely helped along by SueC. She & I "clicked" the first time we met, and she graciously offered up her friends, her playgroup, etc. After awhile I started to meet up with neighbors in my subdivision (kids did help with that). Gyms, outdoor activities ... even "new to town" groups. I found one here called "new friends of Kansas City". Cooking classes - something that is social, not where you have to be quiet. You've got to be bold, and prepared to have your feelings hurt when someone doesn't pick up on the hint. To find your prince (or princess friends) you've got to kiss a lot of toads (or at least invite them out for coffee).

It helped that when moving here, I had a good friend from undergrad, but through working at a bookstore part-time, I met friends that I've now been close with for nearly 10 years.

Other ways I've met people:
Volunteering - It encourages team dynamics and if you're all there voluntarily, you have an immediate common interest/passion.
Dog Park - I don't yet own a dog, but I dogsit for friends and have volunteered to walk dogs for a neighborhood shelter. Along the same lines as having kids, but less responsibility.
Habitat for Humanity - I ended up making a friend while hanging a rain gutter.
Team in Training - Not to sound like a cheerleader, but this is a great, great, great thing to do. You can feel really good about the cause and meet some wonderful people in the meantime. I force myself to go to the team trainings because I'm not participating in these endurance events with anybody I already know. It's nice to know there will be some familiar faces there on race day.
Community Theatre - The cast becomes your family during the production. If you don't act, you can stage manage, help design/sew costumes, sell tickets, help with advertising or poster design... The professional theatres in the city are also always looking for volunteer ushers - great way to see shows for free and meet people.

In doing these things, I now have a few different circles, which is nice. I've also become friends with friends of the people I meet. There have indeed been a few toads and 2 full-fledged friendships that ended, but that happens. You sound like a social creature, I would actually stay away from Craig's list (but not all websites) - I think Craigslist is more for people who may not be inately social, putting a damper on any potential friendships from the start. Get yourself out there and things will develop organically.