Last day of residency--I can't believe it!

Last night DH and I were remarking how we cannot believe today is the last day of residency. I can remember the first month of residency, three years ago, and how nervous DH was. And now, three years later, it's finally over. Wow.

This has been a hard three years. Real hard. I have experienced some of the worst low points of my life these past three years. I've never felt more lonely, more alone, more confused than I have in the past three years. I've never felt so much like second fiddle as I have in the past three years.

Now they're over and DH is a real doctor. And I'm still the same as I was three years ago. Three years ago I just graduated from law school. Three years later I'm not a lawyer nor have I done anything with my law degree. I did a post-bacc program, took the MCAT twice, I've had a string of pointless jobs that haven't done anything for my resume, I've applied to med school once and got rejected from every school, I've gotten fired from a job, and I haven't progressed at all in figuring out my career. I spent 6 months looking for a job and ended up working retail at the mall because no one wanted to hire someone with a law degree for entry-level positions.

So for DH these past three years have been all about growth--starting out as a newbie and ending up a real doctor, and I've just.....stagnated in these past three years. I've accomplished nothing, although I so badly wanted to. I wanted so badly to get accepted to med school...I even re-took the MCAT, but sadly scored no higher the second time so I didn't reapply a second time to med schools. I wanted so badly to get a good job....but despite working with a career counselor I never really got employers to look past my law degree. I've also made no friends. This makes me feel really bad. I feel like I really wasted these past three years.

There have been a few good things about the past three years, though. One is that we both moved to the top city of our choice. The bad is that I didn't make a single friend the whole three years here, which was very lonely for me. Though I did gain lots of good experience living in the big city. I spent many lonely nights sitting at home, alone, wishing I had a friend--just one--to go out with. Or, I spent lonely nights going out alone, wishing I had someone to share it with.

And now we're moving to a whole new city--again the top city of our choice, though--and I know no one. I don't know the city. I don't have a job or any idea of what I'd be doing as a career. I've tried making friends ahead of time....but so far no one seems to be looking for a new friend. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Just some thoughts to share on the last day of residency.

Please, someone, make me feel better--please respond!

I decided to not do any packing today and took a two-hour walk, it made me feel a little better to get out of the house.

[Meenah]

First of all congratualtions on graduating, you both did it. Where are you moving to? Make some REALISTIC goals for yourself. Can you study for and take the Bar exam? Go back to school for something you really want to do? Take a deep breath and look at this as a wonderful opportunity to start over. As you pack up your home to move, leave all of the negative crap behind (easier said than done I know). This might be a good time to find a counselor to help you find a way to deal with all of the negative stuff from the last three years. Good luck.

[samssugarmomma]

Congrats on the end of residency!

Where are you moving to? I hope you can make a fresh start in your new city!

Thanks for responding.

Well, I had actually registered for and started studying for the bar exam, but I had 2 family tragedies in the past 6 weeks--and so I decided to defer the exam until the next test session. My original plan was to take the exam and upon moving look for a lawyer job--at least then I'd be making better money. However that's not a possibility now, and from talking to some alums in my new city, I've learned that the job market there is very slow for the kinds of other non-legal positions I'd be looking for. This isn't good news, as it took me 6 months to find a job here in this city, which really sucked.

I'm also feeling really down on the making new friends concept. We don't know a single person there, and I've tried ahead of time to make friends by signing up for some activity groups and also through Craig's List. Sadly, no one has been interested. I tried so hard here to make friends--but in three years I didn't make a single friend, and it seems that among women in my age group, people already have their friends, which is unfortuante for an eager newcomer who doesn't know anyone. Since DH was always busy, I spent most of my free time the past three years doing tourist stuff alone--and it just felt so lonely all the time. I was hoping that maybe things will be different in our new city but realistically I don't think they will be. I know it takes time to make friends, but when you're sitting at home night after night alone or going out and having dinner at a nice restaurant and then seeing a movie alone, when you'd really love an activity partner, what can you do? How do you cope in this situation?

In terms of going back to school, I am considering that--for medicine or dentistry, but after having taken the MCAT twice already and applied to med schools with no acceptances, I'm hesitant to re-take the MCAT a third time. I'm done with all the pre-reqs, though. I guess I'm not yet ready to re-take the MCAT a third time, and there's really not any other educational program I'm interested enough in to go back to school for.

[planet]

Veggie,

Just to give you hope on the friend aspect...

...I also joined a number of groups. I basically joined an organization for every interest I have (almost), but craigslist in our area seemed too spooky to me. I went to some functions and met a lot of nice people through some of the groups I joined. Mostly though I still ended up doing my own thing. Most of the people I now know are through more random encounters or common places we go, but not the groups. Go figure. But then... at a most unlikely place, a volunteer breakfast ...I met a girl I got along great with. It had been so long (since college really) since I clicked with someone that I shrugged it off as us both being in a great mood that morning. I later got an email...we hung out...and you know I have my first awesome girlfriend in our new city! At one point she finally brought up how she has had a hard time finding girlfriends despite meeting a lot of nice people. I think it is a bit harder for some of us. In my case (and hers actually) it is that we're kind of outdoorsy and tomboyish and don't do a lot of the more 'girly' things (though I certainly would like to be able to get a pedicure someday...sigh) or sometimes do them but feel out of place. I don't think there's anything wrong with those things or people who like them, I'm just not one of them. So give it time. There's someone out there for everyone. I have a hiking buddy now who doesn't care if it rains!


I am finding that now a greater challenge is meeting a good mom/kid match. I have moms I like hanging out with, but am not all that crazy about their kids and kids I adore, but have nothing in common with or litle interest in the mom. This is harder than falling in love!

Good luck in your new city. I think looking at is as a fresh start and trying to leave the negativity behind is great advice. Congratulations on being finished with the residency phase.

There's hope.

Hi there,

Thanks for your responses. I guess I'm pretty eager to get right into a job when I move--I tend to get depressed when I'm not working full-time, and since we don't know anyone there, hanging around the house all day seems like it wouldn't be good for me. I feel like I should have found myself by now--I'm 29, and have been trying to find myself for the past 3 years while I worked a variety of pointless jobs, etc. I've worked with career counselors, and no one has been able to help me.

We're moving to a big city--I'm excited about the city, but I'm worried about the job prospects. I'm in a big city now, and I still had immense difficulties finding a job. Employers take one look at the law degree and grill you on why you're not practicing law (i.e. "convince me that you're not going to get bored and leave in a few months") is one line I heard at every interview almost.

I have no idea what DH's schedule will be like.

[Laker]

Have you ever considered psyd.d. degree or a ph.d. in pysch? I have had the most interesting people as clients that are incompetent for trial. I keep having these psyd.d doctors evaluate my clients. They make a killing b/c just about every attorney in town uses the same 2 or 3 docs to do their evaluations.

I have considered looking into the programs myself. I really enjoy interracting with the clients, it is the crushing workload of building a case that I am not so thrilled with lately. I wouldn't mind doing the 30 minute evaluations and typing them up for a cool 300-500 dollars ... just a thought.

I have considered the PsyD and PhD in clinical psych--I looked extensively into that a few months ago, but the problem is a) these programs are very competitive, the PhD programs are more competivie than med school given the small numbers of people in each class, b) I don't have any psych coursework done--so I'd have to do another post-bacc like I already did, and I also would have to do a bunch of psych research to get into a school, and c) I don't think the return on investment for these fields is as good as say, medicine or dentistry, since I looked up some job listings for psychologists and most of them made 50 or 60,000. I don't think this kind of salary justifies the huge tuition required for these schools. My first choices are still medicine and dentistry if I go back to school, or something else that's very specialized, such as speech pathology or audiology.

So how are you liking law? I had to postpone the bar exam due to circumstances out of my control, but my legal secretary job really didn't help my perception that the field is just not for me. I don't enjoy sitting in front of a computer all day writing documents and doing legal research.

What it comes down to is that I'm just not happy in general. Take today, for instance. It's Saturday on a long weekend, and I don't have any plans whatsoever for the entire weekend. I feel totally directionless and without purpose. I walked around a farmer's market for awhile alone but that only made me feel sad. I could pack, but I haven't really had the motivation. I feel overwhelmed by our move in general and don't really feel like dealing with all the packing.

I feel this directionless feeling all the time, this feeling of having no purpose, and also having no friends to share fun times with. It's really sad. I have no one to call to chat, no one to hang out with, no friends in other states, even to email with or to call. I was thinking about taking a long walk today, or maybe going to a museum, or having dinner tonight at a nice restaurant, but again, these activities feel lonely without someone to share them with. I could research my new city but I don't really feel like that. I feel in a way like I'm just wasting a lot of time, and that depresses me immensely. I want to badly to feel needed, to have a purpose, to feel like I'm working toward something. But I don't know what or how to achieve this feeling.

I felt the happiest here when I was doing the post-bacc. I was taking classes toward my ultimate goal of getting into med school, I was studying all the time, I had people to interact with at school, and I was studying for the MCAT and volunteering in the medical setting. I haven't felt that kind of sense of purpose or satisfaction since I finished the post-bacc and got rejected from med schools. Since then, it's been one pointless job after another, not having a career, having tremendous career angst, not having a big project to work on, and feeling very restless.

What do you guys feel your purpose is, your direction in life?

[Meenah]

Have you considered an antidepressant to help you through this whole move? It really might make a difference in your ability to handle the move and adjustment to yet another city without obsessing over the negative.

[Meenah]

I hope that didn't sound crass because it wasn't menat that way. I can personally tell you they work!

No, haven't considered it. But thanks for the suggestion!

Seriously though, I also don't want to appear crass or insensitive, but I do think the depression issues you've written about are serious enough to merit professional help. There are only so many reassurances or suggestions that we can offer (most of which appear to not interest you or be avenues you've already researched), and I honestly don't think there is a magic career pill that will resolve your issues. I worry that you are leaving too much at risk seeking out armchair psychologists on internet boards - while you would likely benefit from the real thing for awhile.

Again - not intended to be a slam at all -- many of us here have also gone that route.

Just make sure you're taking care of yourself --[/quote]