Still fuming - Are we the stupid ones?

[Vishenka69]

Last Friday we went to dinner with a bunch of people, most of whom were residents/fellows and their SOs. I've never met most before. One of the guys was a 1st yr fellow in GI w/ a girlfriend. At some point during dinner DH made a joking reference to this site (he sometimes pokes fun at my addiction). A bit later (I guess after giving it some though), this girl asks "Why do you need a support group?" I wasn't sure how long they've been going out (seemed like a few months), and I didn't want to be rude, so I said "Well you know, doctors are special." She didn't get it and said, "Then don't all wives need a support group? How's being married to a doctor different?" I just said that it was a left it at that. But it was soooo bothering me all weekend. I asked DH what he thought about it on Saturday and he could tell that I was upset. Said that most of us (on this site) have been around from the pre-med days and have a very different prespective than someone who just started dating a fellow. Then jokingly he said that I'm the stupid one because this girl bagged a fellow and started from the bottom.

I hope I don't see this girl again or she changes her ideas about being married to a doctor, because I'm not sure I'll be able to be civil and polite next time.

[SuzySunshine]

No, we're the smart ones. There are women out there married to doctors who have the same issues they just hide them because that is the socially expected thing. They are married to dawkters, their life is supposed to be perfect. A few of my girlfriends here and I say that we can always tell which spouses have been with their spouses since residency or before, they just have a different perspective. One of the attending spouses here met her husband after he was done, to the other resident/attending wives she makes it look like their life is perfect. I know better because her daughter is good friends with my bosses daughter and for some reason she sees it okay to complain to my boss who is not in the doctor circle but not to other spouses.

We are all here because this is the healthy way to express our issues.

I've always said that I'm stupid b/c I married my doctor after before residency. The smart ones marry them AFTER training.

You know what? Either she's in denial, or so newly in love that he's adorable even when he farts, and NOTHING could be wrong.

Either way, you found the good -- AND REALISTIC place to be!

[Sheherezade]

Some people think all support groups are stupid. To each his own. I know I think that landscaping companies are stupid....and I have the ugliest yard on the block. Sometimes people become the victim of their own "strength". Leave her be.

[Stella]

You know what? Either she's in denial, or so newly in love that he's adorable even when he farts, and NOTHING could be wrong.

This was my opinion too! She must be NEWLY in love because there is no way they have been dating for more than a few months if she has that attitude. Or else she is REALLY busy herself. Or she's just kinda dumb and doesn't realize much. OR she's lying.

Maybe in the future just ask DH to not reference it in unfamiliar company... I can see how other people might not understand if they aren't familiar with it and there is no sense in embarrassing you or putting you in an awkward situation like that where you have to defend your sanity and situation against someone who just hasn't made the realization yet.

This is her: :md:
This is us: u:



How did the other spouses react to her question?? Anyone else seek support in their own way? Or did they all just keep quiet?

[Vishenka69]

All the other medical spouses I know are just like me (we often get together and b*tch). But then again most of us have been around from either pre-med or med school and we're already married. I do think she's so naive because they haven't been dating long and he's probably still making an effort not to scare her off. Others at the table kind of rolled their eyes at her but didn't say anything. It wasn't a time or a place for a scene. She'll figure it out on her own at some point.

[SuzySunshine]

She'll figure it out on her own at some point.

Yep! There is only so much others can do!

[DCJenn]

We've often thought that we should have busniess cards made up for all of us to hand out, that way you could say, "come find us when you need us. Because you WILL need us."

Jenn

PS-We have a couple spouses here who are much further along in the game and it's true, they don't have the same issues as those of us in training or recently out of training. I guess hanging out on my lawn chair waiting for my stuff after the umpteenth move doesn't have the same cache as lunching with the girls. I need girls, I need lunch. Right now it's a blueberry yogurt with you guys.

We've often thought that we should have busniess cards made up for all of us to hand out, that way you could say, "come find us when you need us. Because you WILL need us."

that makes me think of the business cards from the Talamasca in Anne Rice's "The Witching Hour" .... 'We're always here, and always watching.' or something to that effect. Haven't read the book in 5+ years.

[planet]

I don't know that everyone does need a support group through this process. I found iMSN during a desperately lonely call night and lurked for 6 months before posting. Now I'm more addicted than in need of support.

As an aside, how does your husband feel about iMSN?

[SuzySunshine]

I don't know that everyone does need a support group through this process. I found iMSN during a desperately lonely call night and lurked for 6 months before posting. Now I'm more addicted than in need of support.

As an aside, how does your husband feel about iMSN?

I don't know that they need a support group, but they do need someone to talk to. Someone that understands. Maybe not a support group but at least another person.

[Stella]

I don't know that everyone does need a support group through this process. I found iMSN during a desperately lonely call night and lurked for 6 months before posting. Now I'm more addicted than in need of support.

As an aside, how does your husband feel about iMSN?

I don't know that they need a support group, but they do need someone to talk to. Someone that understands. Maybe not a support group but at least another person.

I agree. Before this board, I was just torn up about going through this whole process. I wouldn't say I'm excited about the next million years of medical training, but I at least feel that I'm not alone and I CAN do it if I want to. and that feels pretty good. [insert big sappy music, hugs, and rainbows here)

[Meenah]

It doesn't matter that he is further along in training. I met and married DH after he was an attending and I am here at this site more than most of you. She will be begging for this site before long.

[MissCrabette]

I guess I can see where she's coming from because I didn't use to think medical school was going to be difficult. I thought it would be like 4 more years of college. Right. When I found out about the match I thought to myself, "I'm sure we can do this together." Then as I learned more and more about what was ahead of us, I realized how much support I needed. So I went looking for articles or books about, well, the doctor's wife and I was shocked when I came up almost empty handed. Like the others have said, she's still new to the relationship and does not realize all that it entails. Either that or she's very busy herself and hasn't paid much attention to his schedule. But if she's like most, she will need some sort of support sooner or later.

site

Honestly, I don't refer to this site as a support group, rather a place for me to share things (good & bad) with many people who are going through the same process.

There are sites for tons of things from weight to conceiving, from weddings to gardening, does she wonder why all those are out there?

Anywhoo, one day, if she makes it that long, she'll be asking you for the name of the site again.