Slightly Annoyed.. and hoping to not be offensive

Not offensive at all. I get annoyed by it too. That said - they haven't even really started school yet, right? So they're probably totally excited.

[SuzySunshine]

Sorry, but get used to it. EVERY time we get together with other medical related friends, whether they're residents or not, medicine dominates the conversation. Regardless how much we spouses try to change the subject. This is their life.

Yeah.....get used to it. Especially while they are so enthusiastic and starting out.

I have the best luck when I am not out-numbered, that is, if we go out with non-medical SOs and there are enough of them to balance things out. A friend (spouse in DH's program) is great at giving subtle and not-so-subtle hints in a light-hearted way. Hmmm....that must be one of the reasons why they are among my favorites to spend time with!

Yes, what you describe is typical of a certain type of doctor-to-be. They're the folks you saw at the front of the general biology lecture hall arguing with the prof. for thirty minutes over a half point -- on a quiz.

The vast majority of those types will likely not undergo a metamorphosis during medical school or residency -- they will always be that way.

That said, many others at the bowling alley are probably pretty cool folks and it is not suprising that most of the talk would be about the impending start of school. That is what all of them have in common -- a shared goal and a heightened anxiety.

Likewise, their anxiety is well-founded. Actually, if they were able to really comprehend what will be thrown at them in a couple weeks, the anxiety would be unmanageable for some.

As others have written about on this board, the first semester is the hardest. Anatomy demands plus all the other pre-clinical courses is almost overwhelming at times. Add to that the fact that they have new classmates, sleep deprivation and the new, informed realization that they've strapped themselves into a lifetime commitment is more than sobering and perhaps a little depressing -- though many will not speak of that publicly.

So, give DH a lot of support and room to figure all of this out and you both will be better for it in the long-run.

And a word of hope. It takes a while to figure out who you and your DH are compatible with in terms of friendship. Just because you got a small slice at the alley of folks you'd never want to mingle with doesn't mean those folks are representative of the entire class.

Yep. Get used to it. Applying to med school, getting in, the classes, the rotations, the doctors, the boards...applying to residency, interviews, the programs, the doctors, the boards.... it goes on and on.

Kevin is right, everyone has a shared goal and lots of anxiety about it. The thing is there is ALWAYS a next common goal and anxiety about it. It doesn't stop, its just part of the process, and its a huge part of their (and your) lives. I used to get annoyed by it, but then I realized how much it helps DH. I think talking about it is therapeutic. He finds out if he is on the right track, or if he should step things up, or maybe relax a bit. There have actually been times when DH has been worked up about something that I've told him to go to so-and-so's house to talk about it with someone who can relate, because I surely can't.

You'll find out which people you click with. Hopefully you and the other SOs can just roll your eyes when they get started and talk about your own stuff. And I'm sure you'll be able to clue your DH in a bit more as well. My DH seems to have found the line for when enough is enough and he will steer the conversation away from medicine.

Yep the medicine talk can swallow you alive. Get real good at nodding and leaving to talk the "the girls" (other spouses). BUT wait until they take anatomy, ah the humility will kick in. Then the OMG am I gonna pass/make it med school talk starts.

But in their defense, mothers often just talk about things related to motherhood in the relm of : politics, eating out, playgrounds, shopping, development, discipline and so on, well medicine is kinda similar.

Just make sure you two have times where you don't talk medicine or after a number of years that annoyance gets much deeper rooted.

Off topic slightly, my DH had a classmate who said she would never marry someone without a graduate degree - and someone who hasn't had a time to get her degree (thanks to a unplanned son, ah ok he's worth it, and um medicine!!!!) I was pretty pieved off to hear this, like a graduate degree makes you a "special" person. Although it was funny to find out she dates a ton of people and has no serious relationships although looking (humm I wonder why!!!) You just kinda have to let some of these issues run right off. I sure try!!!

I think alot of doctors are socially delayed to put a polite term to it. In my more irritated moments, I view this type of behavior as rude, self-centered, and immature.

I work in a profession where people are ambitious, committed to their work, etc. And, at social gatherings they do not talk about work when spouses are around - - they talk about things that everyone can participate in. Why? Because do otherwise is extremely RUDE! It is a serious social gaffe to exclude others from conversation - - in my experience people in many other professions do not act this way because they realize it reflects poorly on them.

I wish I could tell you this ends, but in my experience I was somewhat tolerant during med school (we were all so young!), less tolerant by residency, and by fellowship I make it clear that I find it offensive to be excluded by giving a really bored look and then walking away. I listen to doctors bitch on and on about their patients being rude to them,how they are being screwed over by hmos etc . . . and I think to myself that with their business and social skills they are lucky it isn't worse.

BTW, I am talking about general trends here . . . of course all of our spouses are thoughtful, considerate people who can hold up their end of a non-medical conversation!

[Vishenka69]

Sorry, but get used to it. EVERY time we get together with other medical related friends, whether they're residents or not, medicine dominates the conversation. Regardless how much we spouses try to change the subject. This is their life.

Completely agree. It really bothered me at first but now toward the end of the residency I picked up so much jargon that I understand what they're talking about and can participate. It really doesn't bother me anymore unless they start discussing specific ppl in the program that I've never met.

[houseelf]

I am ripping my fingers away from the keyboard so I won't hijack your story with a tale of my own from this past weekend. I think that we just all need to face the facts that the entire world really does revolve around medicine according to these doctor types. (And they have the audacity to pity us for not being part of it!)

Kelly

[DCJenn]

I give them about 10 minutes to talk shop and then pointedly say, "OK, dumb it down here." Luckily our friends here (they're both docs) get tired of talking about medicine, too.

Occasionally I need to swat them on the noses but generally they're fine. I think it was entirely due to the residency we had though. Everyone without kids went out often and everyone for the most part had non-medical partners and everyone's partners were the more social animals of the groups. It's hard to talk shop when you're playing. It was very valuable training for the docs in the group. It just wasn't tolerated by we spouses/SOs.

We were stunned to find out that the residency experience we had is really not the norm. and too bad because socially, we had a great time.

Jenn

I stick with my theory that, our SO's aside, many physicians are social misfits and have a hard time communicating outside of their circle and comfort zone.

I agree with you and sms92.

My theory is that without a non-medical SO to remind them of the beautiful world outside of medicine they feed all of their social needs with fellow students/doctors and create a little social twilight zone. Which sort of stunts social development. Generally speaking, of course.

I'll never forget meeting one of DH's fellow interns before he started residency. When she asked me what medical school I was coming from and I told her I wasn't coming from medical school, I could just about see the circuits in her brain fizzle and smoke. She had nothing to say to me after that.

I listen to doctors bitch on and on about their patients being rude to them,how they are being screwed over by hmos etc . . . and I think to myself that with their business and social skills they are lucky it isn't worse.

Good point!

[planet]

I see that I have been very lucky here. At orientation and again at a bbq I had the same 'so are you an intern' question asked. Except that both times after I said I was a spouse the other person had a conversation with me that just redirected. Bbq talk was sometimes about medicine, but as often about other things. It is the same as with moms about their kids or (as you can see the interest level from the many threads) people about their dogs. Common ground helps when you don't know each other well or don't have social skills to branch out into new territory (me, I tend to stick to what I know or think I know ).

I never socialized with the surgery department so can't say how into shop talk they are.

During med school I was genuinely frightened by some of dh's fellow students. A few people I met just seemed like they should not be unleashed on society in the context of having to handle personal or sensitive things. One guy I honestly thought might euthanize people for fun. Another hated women (obvious from comments he made and something he did to another, female, med student) so much I could only pray he would never be in charge of a woman's health care.

I like most of dh's coworkers and the spouses in this program. I would get seriously annoyed too if left to sit and stew while a bunch of medicine nerds chewed their cud. I like to know the hospital politics and dirt though. 8)

I think it's also helpful to keep in mind that they're still getting to know each other, so all they have in common right now is med school and the life they know in it. When I went to orientation for my MBA class, we were all, "So, where did you work before this? What are you thinking about doing afterwards?" A lot of business talk. But when you've never met these people before, there's not much else to talk after you ask where you're from and the basic background. Hopefully it'll get better as the school term progresses.

[cylverdust]

Your making me feel not so alone

Krystal,
thank you soooo much for posting this. I had this same thing happen at the first REAL meet and greet after school started. Sadly it was a spouse who happened to be a nurse. All they did was talk medicine. They ask me are you medicine. NO, OOOHHH.. then went on talking as if I were not there. (Dude I was like-that is a nice picture on the wall, oh they serve soda in a different glass than water.. etc LOL)
I was soooo discouraged. I did not want to go to the any more, but hubby so wanted me to . I still feel lost when I do go but.... it is time together..

Sorry to hijack...

Krystal, really thank you!!

I went to visit SO during his induction week in Boston and he asked me if i wanted to come along to one on the induction meetings so i did and then we went on the duck tour.

I'm an RN and I HATE talking shop, it really frustrates me when people talk shop outside of work especially when their are people who aren't medical, I think work should be left at work!! Non of my friends are medical and they don't talk amoung themsleves about marketing stratedgies or law cases they're dealing with when I'm around, It's just rude to do so!!

I got the 'are you a resident' questions too, one of the cheif residents came up to me and ticked me off within seconds of meeting him because he introduced himself as 'I'm Dr. blah blah what do you do?' , I think thats such bad manners! and obnoxious! he did get embarrassed when I said an ER RN because he'd spent 15 mins of his lecture complaining about ER RN's

Myself and SO have a giggle about it now