In-Laws - AUGHHHH!!!!

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, here, but I have worked myself into a froth thinking about my FIL. In two months my in-laws will be visiting and I am thinking of staying at a hotel while they are here!

The whole problem stems from the fact my FIL is being downright rude and pushy about me not giving his royal highness grandkids. Admittedly, my husband and I have been together 14 years, have been married for almost 6 years, and are in our early 30s. So, most people in our age group have kids, which is maybe why he is being such a nuisance. DH and I haven't even decided yet if we even want to be parents, which I think is a pretty darn good case for NOT being parents. I think becoming a mom is the most life-altering event in a woman's life. Deciding to become parents is something that takes much thought, dicussion, and planning (financial, emotional,etc.) To me and I think almost everyone it is not a decision that is taken lightly. So, you would think my FIL would agree with me that it is a huge decision. Rather, he makes smarmy, little comments to me. He even suggested the last time I saw him that we just start doing "quickies" whenever we could to speed up the process. Good gravy - that's the last thing I want to discuss with my FIL!!!!!!!!

I pretty much ignore him, but DH gets ticked, and usually tells him off. You would think after several heated and uncomfortable bouts with my husband, that FIL would lay off. But, no, he only gets more aggressive and pushy.

I am so angry that someone could be so selfish to put their wants above the well-being of my DH and I. Can you imagine how selfish it would be to have kids we didn't even want to appease grandpa? That is just preposterous. I guess he thinks if he bugs me enough I will just break down and have that undesired child. AUGHHHH- that is so wrong!!!!

I haven't said that we don't want kids because we just haven't decided yet, but I am tempted to tell him that I had my tubes tied just to get him to shut up.

Would it be completely rude of me to run off to a hotel while MIL and evil FIL are staying with us, or do you think that my actions would be justified?

[DCJenn]

I think this is one of those times when you need to borrow Fluffhead's rolled up newspaper and bap him on his nose.

(figuratively, of course. Although I'm sure it would be fun in real life, too)

This is one of those times when the less said, the better. I think the best possible response would be utter silence and an icey stare. From both of you. and then when he says, "what?" or "I was just kidding" or whatever backpedal he chooses, say "at no point is this any of your business and this is a topic that is not up for discussion." In the coldest possible voice.

and then leave it. don't get mad, because that attaches emotion to the discussion and you want to be VERY matter of fact.

and you're dead on correct in your assessment of the life-alteringness of kids. I have plenty of friends who are very happy in their child-free lives. Don't let your FIL bother you one iota about it. and don't make excuses! It's perfectly OK to be ambilient or even dead set against having kids. In some ways in our society it's braver to say "I don't want kids" than not.

Jenn

[MissCrabette]

Ah, THE question, the one right after "so, when are you getting married?" I'd be very honest with him about what you just posted here: that you haven't even discussed this in depth with your husband and that this is a very important decision. If he gets pushy, then I don't know what to tell you. I've been known to react in a socially inapporpriate way and simply stop contact with the offending parties. As for living away while they're visiting, I'd probably wait till their first offense and then threaten to move out. Then be prepared to follw through with your threat if they don't back down.

But oh my, having a FIL suggest a quickie is just wrong and disturbing on so many levels. Yuck! ::

I think Jenn is dead on. A simple - "It's not open for discussion." That's it. Everytime. It is FAR too personal a choice for ANYONE to think they can harass you into it.

My in-laws used to give me a hard time about my weight (sadly, when I was much, much smaller than I am now), and after the 200th time I quietly said "My weight is not up for discussion." they stopped.

[alison]

Your actions would be completely justified (to stay in a hotel while your in-laws are in town), but I wouldn't do it because it sends the idea across that your fil's rude behavior is actually having an impact on you, that in some twisted way he'll place all the "blame" on you for not wanting kids. It's not just about you, and you would want to present a united front with your husband. I would stay home.

I'd play his comments down. "What kind of thing is that to say?" "It's something between my husband and me. It doesn't involve you."

My mil and fil (and my own dad) drop hints about kids. My dad pushes for kids because he had a massive heart attack last Christmas and is pouring on some latent need to be family oriented! My mil and fil secretly hope that when I call them that I'll be giving them the news. When I tell them we've got lots on our plate, you can hear the enthusiasm in their voices and then the .... letdown.

Be strong and assertive. Don't burn your bridges, but be honest and respectful to yourselves first and foremost.

[fluffhead]

Yow. totally over the line.
Yeah, when he says something like that, just make it clear that it's not funny nor acceptable. I have the "wilting look" which has apparently lost me some acquaintances and instilled fear in nasty relatives.
The rolled up newspaper works too.

Thanks for your comments and suggestions, guys. I like the comment that it is not up for discussion. Jenn- I can't believe the in-laws would discuss your weight- good lord, did they have nothing else to think about!

I also know what the "surprise phone call" is like, too. In fact, my grandma recently had a stroke, and I went home to say, "good-bye" before she passed away. Well, FIL flipped out, and thought it was a "surprise visit" so that I could announce that I am pregnant!! Yeah, my grandma faked the stroke, and the whole thing was a cover-up just so I could come home and surprise him. Man, the more I write about him, the more I realize how kooky he really is. I guess I shouldn't let kooky people like that influence my life.

I guess why it also gets me down, is that DH and his dad have never had a strong relationship (geez, I wonder why), and DH has lamented the lack of a relationship for several years. Just when DH and FIL try to mend things and get along- FIL blows it- again! It is just disappointing to my DH.

When I am around FIL. I just need to get my game face on! Thanks, ya'll

I have the "wilting look" which has apparently lost me some acquaintances and instilled fear in nasty relatives.

You know, I used to have a look like that. My Mom DEFINITELY had a look like that (which is why I listened to her.) When I tried it on my kids, they laughed.

You poor kid! My monsters in law are just as horrific. My MIL ("The Goiter") once got drunk (well, one time when she was drunk) and cried and told my DH that not having grandkids is "the disappointment you have given me". Whatever, ya psycho.

Ok, that sucks. But at least you can laugh about it.

Where do people get this stuff?

My two cents, he is the one creating the awkward situation. You do not make it any more awkward by calling him on it. It may take a few times but he will eventually give up (and probably be disgusted about it but who cares).

Blech. Good luck.

How some people manage to reach adulthood with so few boundaries, I really don't know. I feel for you, because my MIL is just as bad. This woman threw a fit when she discovered DH was marrying outside of his race and point-blank refused to meet me - then did a complete backflip and started hassling me for children the day we were married. Be aware that it never ends though - don't think that the pushiness will end with number one. We have a daughter now, and of course the pressure's on for number two. When I told her I didn't think that was going to happen due to how terribly difficult the experience with DD was, her reply was "Oh, please don't DO that to me!". To YOU?? Eeeew, don't get me started!

Having kids is such a personal choice. You'll know if/when you want them. Life as you know it ends the day you have your first, so it is certainly not unreasonable to want to make certain you're ready to go ahead. I might start a thread on this somewhere else (so as not to sidetrack yours! ) but I also think that being married to a doctor makes parenthood a significantly more difficult proposition than in the "regular" world.

Anyway, good luck with the icy stare practice. I hope their next visit is a short one, and I can totally relate to wanting to get a room!

[planet]

How some people manage to reach adulthood with so few boundaries, I really don't know.

AMEN!

You'll be hearing about my MIL adventures just as soon a she goes home.

To clarify to *Lily* -- I'm not laughing that she said that, but rather at your take on it and nickname. I read that as you being flip about it.

I just remembered. When my in-laws would ask the "when do we GET grandkids" question, DH would respond by saying "every time you ask us that, we will wait another year." Only took a few times of the same response to shut them up.

I might start a thread on this somewhere else (so as not to sidetrack yours! ) but I also think that being married to a doctor makes parenthood a significantly more difficult proposition than in the "regular" world.

Oh, this is a whole other can of worms! DH has recently started thinking about doing a fellowship (he is a PGY-2 in Anesthesia). FIL comment to me about DH doing a fellowship was, "when is he (DH) going to grow up and get a job"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ummm...since when was 80 hours a week not a job?

I made the mistake of mentioning that I am thinking of going to law school, which is basically the same thing - avoiding the real world. Not that I haven't been working (and supported their son during med school) for the last 7 years! I guess the fact that we don't have kids makes us children ourselves in their eyes.

Okay, if I thought I was in a froth before, now I really am!