when medicine and parenthood meet

I mentioned this in someone else's thread, but thought I'd take it over here so as not to interrupt.

I'd be really interested to hear how other people feel about the effect that the medical lifestyle has on parenthood.

I guess I didn't give it a lot of thought before I became a mum...but I find that our roles have become really polarised and traditional. I'm not sure if I mind or not!? I've stopped work and DH is the sole breadwinner. There are plenty of days when DH doesn't even see his daughter, as his hours are so long. I wonder how she'll deal with that as she gets older... DH never gets up in the night (even during the first year, when DD was waking up 6-10 times a night) and I guess I went along with that because I figured that he needed his sleep to save people's lives. I on the other hand, became a bit of a walking zombie. It's funny how he could never hear DD cry in the night - but should the phone or pager go off, he shoots out of bed in a flash!

In some ways, it probably wouldn't have bothered me so much when living in Japan, because we were surrounded there by the "traditional" model of breadwinner dad and stay at home mum, but back here there seem to be plenty of men who can take significant time off after their partner gives birth, take carer's leave to support a sick spouse or child, come home early - or at a predictable time, and often even work from home to give their partner support. Of course, most of this is impossible for a doctor. I try to curb the jealous feelings when they arise!

I think being married to a doctor is one of the reasons (besides the difficult pregnancy/birth thing) that I lean towards having an only child. I didn't realise how hard it would be to do it on my own! I am filled with admiration for those who've gone ahead and had more.

I'd love to hear some other thoughts on this!

[DCJenn]

The physician lifestyle has definitely contributed to our only having one, and that's even given the fact that child neurology isn't exactly a 'tough' specialty.

I honestly don't know how anyone can have more than one- this one does me in!

Jenn

right there with you (on how hard it is ... I already have 2 and may have another). I live in the suburbs (which may explain why the whole stay-at-home thing doesn't bother me), and routinely watch cars pull into other people's driveways at 5:30, 6PM ... knowing that my "relief" is nowhere in site.

6 to 10 times a night?? wowza.

Jloreine, we are definitely on the same page. I still feel I have to justify to people (including MIL) why DD will probably not have any siblings. She's the absolute light of my life, but one of the most demanding babies I've ever met! And to handle 99% of the childcare by myself is pretty exhausting. I NEED a little break each day, and if I had another child, I don't see how that would happen - largely because DH is unable to provide the help that I would need. Jesher, how do you manage to get around that? (And game to go a third!? Wow!)

I feel that perhaps people in the "normal" world don't understand how medicine just takes over and consumes normal life...I sure didn't! It feels like every man and his dog has an opinion on how I should give DD a sibling, but they don't realise what it's like to look after this one on my own! I'd be interested to hear from anyone else who thinks that their spouse's profession has influenced their feelings about how many (if any) kids to have.

DH and I were married and started our family before med school, so that definitely influenced us. Our family of 5 sounds huge, doesn't it.? I definitely can relate to single parents out there when it comes to the everyday care of our children...I often sit at School Meetings, etc. without DH. I also have my own career, so there is no question about the difficulties. I do think that having the three of them helps them in that they have the socialization of each other. Having the three kids helps us to maintain that family feeling when Dad is not here. I had 3 brothers and 3 sisters so my own family doesn't seem large at all. I am glad my kids have each other. I definitely can't imagine having less than my three, but I can see why one might fear adding to the family at this stage in the game. I hope this makes sense. I guess what I am saying is never say never...things sometimes change. We all have those days. One of DH's attendings has 4 kids and another 10!!!!! Their wives are always smiling when I see them. Imagine that?! HANG IN THERE

[ellie]

We just had our second and I'm pretty sure this is about all this family can handle. I love them both to death but somedays I seriously wonder what I was thinking.

Annie, were you reading my mind?!

As the baby outgrows her newborn clothes, I wonder if I should save them for another baby or give them away. Part of me longs to have another, but the limits and resources of our family have been stretched so thinly with the demands of DH's career. So I think our family has reached its maximum size.

I totally agree with you, angelbright, it is so hard to do on your own.

[Momo]

I have three and trust me the "surprise" of getting preggers 2 months after moving cross country and DH starting w/ his new group, had me over the edge and haning on by my pinky toe ...honestly I thought I was going to go completely wacko... even now w/ his horrid schedule I have to say life w/ out little Tess, well... would not be life...the combination of all three is as wonderful as it is overwhelming...thank God they all have each other and play fairly well together... would I like more??? you bet but not for another year or so I'd like to get at least 1/2 of them in school!

Yeah this crazy life definately changed my idea of how many kids I could handle. When we got married 7 years ago I wanted 4 kids. Then we got pg by surprise, when we were hoping to wait until residency was over But the way God had it DS was born like a week before DH took the MCAT. He actually was studing at the hospital after DS was born. Well DS has been very challenging so I knew I personally could only handle one more. Not to mention I plan on going back to school. I hope to maybe start his 2nd or 3rd of residency. If I had another kid how could I fit that in without short changing someone. But as nature had it, I had a horribly complicated last pregnancy with my DD and really can't have any more kids unless I want the option of haveing a 32wk old baby So we decided that was it. I love our two kids, but I"m a WAHM and am wiped out every day. I really would have nothing more to give. As it is I'm very happy with my wonderful son and daughter!

[Vishenka69]

Luckily for me I discovered this site when DH was still in med school and before we were married (I wasn't too active back then but snooped a lot). After reading through the posts, I made the decision that I don't want to be a single mom. Plus we were already living on one income (mine) and trying to save for the wedding. Since neither one of us has any health problems that would prevent us from having kids several years later, I saw no reason to rush. Our current plan is to wait until DH done with residency, buy a home and then start planning a family. I also don't want to have kids until we can afford a full time babysitter (or a live-in if we have more than one). I'm in absolute awe as to how the women here have multiple children with no outside help.

I do believe that once DH goes into private practice (about a year or so into it after the boards), his schedule will improve tremendously and he'll be able to be involved in the process of having kids beyond fathering them. Having kids during a difficult residency is not fair to anyone. Granted everyone's situation is different.

[MrsC]

I agree, after finishng the first year of residancy, I don't know how on earth we'd handle the next four years with kids in tow. I'm determined to wait until after residancy is over, even though DH would love to have kids sooner. Hopefully then, he will have a less demanding schedule, we'll be able to afford it and we'll be somewhat settled. Even then I know that he won't be around much.

I've got to hand it to you guys. Being a parent is already a full time job, not to mind being both mom and dad sometimes.

DH always says it takes a strong woman to be a residants/doctors wife. Couldn't be more true!