A follow up to the moving for a job question.........

This should probably be in marriage matters but I'm new and don't have enough posts to be admitted to that forum.

We've relocated cross-country for my husband's fellowship and it's caused our relationship to go all wonky. I was working per diem as an occupational therapist back in Chicago but here the pay isn't enough to justify daycare so I've been staying home full-time with our 14-month-old. My husband is happy and immersed in his fellowship and I miss my family and friends. He's overly sensitive about his part in uprooting us so he has a hard time listening to me talking about being unhappy. Our communication has almost completely broken down.

We put our girl in daycare from 9-12, two days a week, just so I can run errands and get out of the house. I've joined moms' groups and started attending a church, but still know no one. I'm working on getting us to marriage counseling. Has anyone experience something like this and had it turn out positively?

[cylverdust]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry about how difficult this is. I think it will work it out, given time. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

It sure can be pretty sucky. Sorry, no wise words of advice from me either, but we're all here for you. I don't know why they get like that (pissy when it's their job that has taken you cross country...) but whenever you need to vent, come here. We all understand.

[Stella]

I think it might be a good idea to set apart some time to talk when you are both in a pretty good mood. But you MUST start with "I'm not attacking you for your part in our move and I'm not attacking your job. Your job is important to you and you are important to me. I just want you to listen and for us to have some conversation. It would really mean a lot to me." And then don't attack. I am sure you are bitter and a little resentful, but it will get better with time and through all the activities you are doing, you will eventually meet someone.

Do you have any pets? That's how I met all my new friends when I lived by myself in a city where I knew no one.

I don't think counseling is ever a bad idea, btw.

Good luck.

Thanks for the input. I felt weird posting it in a public forum but I don't know anyone who's gone through anything remotely similar.

It's been a few years since we lived in Denver, but if I can help you with anything, let me know.

[migirl]

I don't have any words of advice, but wanted to say that I'm sorry ... that's a tough situation that many of us have been in.

[Gwendolyn]

I completely understand and can offer nothing but commiseration. I found this board when things started getting fairly hostile. Our first six months were horrible. I had a hard time finding work that paid enough for day care, then a hard time finding daycare and DH couldn’t support me because his fragile male ego got in the way. I felt very alone.

A year and a half later I have found a couple of great friends. I moved from my home town, so I never had to make friends before because I still had a great deal from high school and college. So I pushed myself to try things with DS and start conversations with people. And then follow up by asking if they wanted to meet for a drink or a play date…depending on the situation. I have just treated friend making like dating…only you can accumulate friends.

The more networks I built, the less I hated it here and the more equal conversations DH and I could have.

He still clams up when I comment on how excited I am that we are already half way done, even in the midst of a conversation about how excited he is that we are almost half way done.

Hang in there. It will take at least a year for you to begin to feel more settled and independent. Visit here often.

I used to be a member of this board a few years ago and I didn't post much after my first daughter was born. I did lurk every now and then and have started to lurk more and more. . .your post made me decide to get back in the game. I feel for you. SO MUCH.
My husband is a surgeon and finished his residency. We had/have 4 years of a military commitment to pay off and then we're home free. We were fairly happy for the last two years in a Southwestern city (well, he wasn't happy b/c he wasn't operating much) - great house, great friends, GREAT location. Then he decided to do a one year fellowship in the Gulf Coast area. It SUCKS here. It is unbelievably sucky. . .beyond words. I feel so sad for the people that lost their family, homes, etc. here but I didn't want to live here, you know? We have NO friends either and it's not for lack of trying. We hit the SuperWalmart every weekend with the rest of the city and I just told my husband this weekend that I might suffer long-term damage from that experience (or maybe I'll start telling my 7 month old daughter that I'm going to "whop her up side the head" if she touches the plums again! ). There is pretty much nothing to do here. It just sucks. I have really been b*tchy on more than one occasion and sometimes I get a tiny shred of sympathy and other times, guilty (or I'd like to think) silence. What I am doing to cope is taking trips, a LOT of them. Honestly, the girls and I have a trip scheduled for every month through February. It is a hassle to travel but it sure beats staying here day after day after day. I also shop online a lot more than I used to. . .there is something about having a package come that makes the day a little brighter, too
Anyway, sorry to hijack your post. Just wanted you to know that I really know how you are feeling right now and if you want to email me, you are more than welcome!!! Having someone to talk to helps so much!! Take care - HUGS!

I hate to hijack the post, too, because I am nowhere near worrying about moving for his job (we've only been dating a year), but on a semi-related note: we were talking on the phone the other night and he said, "oh, i have something sort of scary to tell you," which worried me a little bit. He went on to say that his favorite attending is being forced to leave because his wife gave him an ultimatum: Boston or Her. I asked him why he thought this was scary, and he said because it's an example of how a big city-gal is not happy in Minneapolis. I told him that I'm different--I can be happy in a lot of places. But part of me is not so sure...

BTW, can I just say I foolishly read the article on bedbugs on your blog and now I'm totally freaked out?????

I guess it could be worse. I could live here where I know no one, be fighting with husband, have a toddler who never sleeps AND have bedbugs.

Sorry it freaked you out! You're probably in no danger. I only started worrying about it when I moved to NYC and had a roommate who was keen on picking up furniture off the street. I was like, no way, lady! I don't care if it's free and looks clean... There's no telling what evil lurks within!

But thanks for reading my blog! I promise not to put any more scary stories on there

[Stella]

I read it too and now I'm scared.
http://www.becomingstella.blogspot.com

Re: A follow up to the moving for a job question.........

We've relocated cross-country for my husband's fellowship and it's caused our relationship to go all wonky.

What kind of fellowship is your husband doing? I've never heard the word "wonky" before, but I like it

I miss Chicago, too. Doesn't it seem like the perfect mix of East & West, city & green space? I guess maybe I'm biased because my parents and high school friends live there and it's so nice to be taken care of them while I'm there and still get to enjoy being in a fun city.

Maybe we'll get to live there again some day...

I really enjoyed Chicago. It was a big city but my neighborhood was like a tiny little haven.

My husband's doing a toxicology fellowship.