The reason why I'm here

I'm not a snob, so let me preface this with some background information. My dad was a refinery worker, a great guy, but we didn't grow up with much culture or money. I'm fairly, okay extremely, shy and social situations drain me. I don't think it's a self-esteem thing, I think I'm just more of a lone wolf personality. (I was actually okay with DH's crazy schedule the two years we dated during his residency, as I enjoy being alone. Sorry!)

I'm pretty laid back, and never (okay, rarely) worry about "keeping up with the Jones'," DH jokes that I'm not even a LOW maintenance wife, I'm a NO maintenance wife. I say all this because I feel wierd asking how to gracefully deal with situations of being a 'dawkters' wife. (Or however you guys spell it.) I'm just socially inept, I haven't had any experience with these issues, I can't find any postings about this, and I could use some advice, SPECIFIC advice. (Remember, I'm slow in this area) about how to respond to these situations. HELP!

I hate it when someone asks me what my husband does and then the room gets quiet when I (discretely) respond he's a doctor, or he works at the hospital, or he's a urologist (thinking that may throw them off...) I've taught at 3 different schools, this has happened at each one. I've seriously had impulses to blurt out that he's a UPS driver. But I'm a terrible liar.

I hate it when people (in a friendly way) amend their comments to imply stuff like, "well, not as nice as yours..." I am genuinely happy for the joys in other people's lives, it kills me when unimportant things become a subtle competition. But what would be an appropriate response? Honestly, I need help here, I have always been the one on the other side. Lately I can't seem to express myself at all. Here's what usually runs through my head in situations like these: "Please don't go there...Please Stop! .." then BAM! And I give a deer in the headlights response, and inside I get a little angry. Maybe I get a little angry at myself for not being able to convey what's in my heart.

I hate not knowing how to deal with friends' and families' birthdays/holidays. I want to donate to college funds. I want to spoil my little sister a little bit. But what's appropriate, and when does it become pretentious?!

Another one: We're building a house, when it's done, do we invite everyone at DH's office to come over? I got close to one gal in DH's last office, and she would always rip on the other docs' cars, houses, etc. before she caught herself and realized my hubby was one of them too. DH gets along well with most of his office staff because he's very down to earth. Will that change if they get an inside glimpse into our lives? It's like being friends and then having sex. People try to say it won't change the relationship, but it usually does (so I've heard).

Perhaps this is not the appropriate place to post these issues as many of the other posts are dealing with sheer SURVIVAL. I'm sorry. Again, social situations; not my forte. And I'm too new to get into the geriatrics department...

As DH says about crap like this to put it into perspective, "these are good problems to have." And I wholeheartedly agree with that. I can just imagine people rolling their eyes at me. But if I can't ask these quesions here, I have nowhere else I can ask them. Any advice would be appreciated, even just a cold hard reality e-mail bitch slap. But I'm tired of not having any words for the situation.

Jodi

Jodi -

It's all good. First off - no apologies are necessary here. You have entirely valid questions and concerns!

It's late, and I'm going to go backwards with the questions I remember from your post, and probably update more tomorrow.

As for building your house -- CONGRATULATIONS! If your dh's group is one that often has gatherings, than you may need to invite the office over - or risk being seen as snooty. It sounds as though you already have a good relationship or connection w/at least one person there - and she'll probably have your back to some extent. If you have a friendly gathering in your home, and don't conduct tours stating things like "This is the granite we had shipped in from Italy because no domestic pieces were sufficient." you should be fine.

We've had many discussions re: "dawkter's" spouse perception ... it's an ongoing topic. I'm sure there are some in Grand Rounds, as well as many in the Call Room. Most of us do try to avoid saying specifically "he/she is a doctor", and try to generalize the response. We have varying ways of dealing with the "but not as nice as YOURS" crap. Mine is usually to say "Oh yeah - we live in the lap of luxury as we pay off our $150K in med school debt." Throwing out a figure greater than the value of many people's first homes (mine included) usually will shut them up. But I'm confrontational that way.

As for generosity -- I think it's beautiful! As long as it's not presented in a "I know you'll never be able to do this so I want to do it for you" kind of way ... it's a good thing. If someone fights it, it's A) probably mock fighting or B) something that can be countered with a simple "We're blessed to be able to afford this, and would very much like to share it with you."

Hang with us 'til you have access to the private areas -- it will be worth it - I promise. And it will fly by (look at my total posts - and I've only been on 1.5 years ).

[Flynn]

Hello!!!!

These are all questions I think most of us have dealt with or will be dealing with as training comes to a close.

I will answer your questions with a story of mine. During residency I made friends through a mom's group with a woman about 4 years younger than me. She was smart and fun and seemed to handle being a first time mom with so much GRACE --if you can even use that word when describing early motherhood.

Through our relationship I learned that she was:

• a second wife of someone 15 years her senior
  her husband had parachuted out of Microsoft during the big years
  she had a then 13 year old step son
  they had three nice vehicles and a house that was drool quality
  really ready to build a family -- they had 4 kids in 4.5 years (one set of twins!)
  the owner of a condo in Sun Valley they owned outright (it was over 3000 square feet)

Meeting her in the mom's group I would never have assumed any of these characteristics. Due to this woman's grace, intelligence, class, and being so genuine -- I liked her immediately. Learning all these things made me really question my perceptions of some of these items I just listed.

This woman taught me that having a "good life" is nothing to be embarassed about. Being generous to others because you have a good life is a privlege.

She was probably one of the most wealthy people I had ever met, yet her family life was so "rich" I never met a nicer, more giving person on so many levels.

Respect what you have and share it with others. Invite people over and enjoy spoiling them -- not to show your new house off but to share your good fortune with people you genuinely like and want to build relationships with. If people perceive that as bragging or showing off, that's THEIR issue.

[migirl]

If people perceive that as bragging or showing off, that's THEIR issue.

I completely agree with Flynn. You shouldn't feel awkward or embarassed if OTHER people have issues with your situation. It's not like you're flaunting it in their faces or anything like that.

I get comments like that all the time too (and we're only in residency!). My favorite was this woman I used to work with who actually ~sighed~ and said, "It must be so NICE, being married to a doctor." I just and at those kinds of comments now, because it's just not worth getting worked up over and trying to explain to people what my life is really like.

So, I say you should ignore people's reactions, let them think what they want to think (you're not going to change their minds anyway), and share what you want to share. You sound like you're just trying to be a kind and thoughtful person, there's certainly nothing wrong with that!

[SuzySunshine]

I know where you're coming from. I have a REALLY hard time not worrying what other people think of me. But Flynn and Jane are right, you should live your life how you are comfortable and if other people have issues with that it is their problem.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: The reason why I'm here

Well, I think probably you'll discover pretty quickly that none of us are really snobs We all come from different backgrounds (many similar to yours).

My dh is 5+ years out of fellowship now and I still don't confess to his profession. A couple of years ago I sat with a mom during our son's soccer games and we talked about tons of things....when she asked what dh did, I said "he works at the hospital"....basically, she told me the same thing about her dh. It wasn't until the end of the summer that we both finally managed to tell the other that our dh's were dawkters...We both got a good laugh out of the fact that our hubbys worked together and knew each other rather well it turns out...and we had been too gun-shy to say what they did!

I have a rough time in social situations too...I also feel akward and self-conscious. How to deal with it? I end up really having to force myself into the situations. I actually come up with questions in my mind to ask people before I go. If I'm going to a get-together with some of dh's female colleageus I make a mental note of what is going on in their lives and then think of what I'd like to ask in advance. "How is your baby doing? Is she sleeping through the night? Are you getting back into a routine with work/motherhood" etc. I find that I am much more comfortable finding out about other people than I am with talking about myself. It takes the pressure off of me to talk. I can just listen.

Right now, my son takes a weekly soccer class and one of the nurse managers who works with Thomas quite frequently also has a child there. I have asked so many questions of her that I have no idea what I'll ask next Monday on our last day.

RE: telling people your dh is a doctor. Eventually, you'll do it....and at that point I think it's ok to just say "he's an internist/pediatrician" in a nonchalant way and then veer the conversation off somewhere else. If someone has an issue, it's their problem.

I hate not knowing how to deal with friends' and families' birthdays/holidays. I want to donate to college funds. I want to spoil my little sister a little bit. But what's appropriate, and when does it become pretentious?!

I don't know. Every family has different ideas. My gift giving hasn't changed much since dh reached attending status. We've never been extravagant gift-givers.....and I don't want to set up a precedent and start.


When your house is built, I'd just invite friends over. I do think that inviting everyone over could be interpreted by staff as showing off.

Keep posting and the geriatrics forum will open up in no time. No one is rolling their eyes at you or laughing, btw.

Kris

[DCJenn]

Life as an attending has it's own special hell, huh? I continue to just tell people that my husband is in the Army. Heck there's LOTS of jobs in the Army.

My boss here told everyone that my husband is a Child Neurologist. Now, granted, we're a social services agency and actually have physicians and nurses on staff and everyone is completely laid back. But one person that I work with seems to think we're rolling in it- so I've made it real clear that we certainly don't have income to spare at this juncture.

Now, when I was working at my previous job and before we had a family- we were pretty much rolling in it and I felt not one iota of guilt. We ate out, we travelled, and let's just say that Christmas was disgusting. (but fun!) So...we enjoyed it when we had it and gifted when we could.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying the very much deserved results of a very long process.

The house thing- that might get wierd for the staff. The beauty of the military is that nurses are paid according to their rank, just like doctors, lawyers, tank drivers and mechanics. There's no big secrets!! (Physicians do get bonuses but heck, so do pilots.)

Jenn

How about this for a

First year of med school we went out to eat with some good friends of ours. A first year resident, also a good friend of all of us came to eat too. They asked if the restaurant we were going to had a mandatory dinner jacket dress code, I wanted to ask if they were paying, LOL!

[Sheherezade]

I say just be yourself. Simple, I know.

Still, I think it's the best policy. I've met a lot of doctor's wives in the suburb we've chosen. Only a few are Stepford. Most are awesome. If people can't get that, then oh well. What are you going to do? You really can't change other's preconceptions. When we were set to move here, the staff told my husband that his wife shouldn't worry. They have both a Saks and a Nordstrom. I think they will eventually change their mind about me. I'm not a Saks kind of girl. I know you are probably settled, but the only solution I can offer is that I think the whole Dawkter's Wife thing is somewhat regional. I got NONE of it when we were in the Boston area. Little in Baltimore either. Maybe it's because those areas are littered with doctors? I'm not sure, but if your spouse is ever are in the job market again.....

I grew up in a family of physicians and married in to a medical family as well. We're lucky we don't get any of that from family. I say help out and be generous from time to time. If you limit it, it won't be flaunting. As for the party at your place, do it if you think it would be fun. Make it low key, though. No dinner jackets. :> It might be a good way for people to see you as you really are and shed some of those preconceptions.

Thank you all so much, its nice to finally have someone to talk to about this stuff. I think I'm starting to freak out a little because of the new house thing. It was fun when it was just being framed, I could imagine what it would be like. But now they're bringing in all this pretty rock and wood and it's somehow spinning out of control. I want to tell our general contractor he's made a big mistake, doesn't he know we play baseball in the living room?!

Maybe I'm traumatized because of a newbie mistake I made the first year DH was out of training. We were eating out with DH's best friend and wife and they asked me how much the house we just bought cost. They had been openly discussing other things, so I told them. Our house was a 1500 sq/ft fixer-upper for a little over half a million. From my perspective, I was criticizing the CA market. From their perspective, well, I don't know, it just got quiet. Then later they made a "must be nice" comment about something else and I knew I blew it. I unknowlingly opened up pandora's box and nothing was really the same after that. Now DH hasn't heard from his friend in about 3 years. So I'm very gun-shy about this stuff. Actually, lately, I've been having mini-panic attacks about it. Me, who's never lost a minute of sleep over ANYTHING before in my life, and I've dealt with some major crap. I keep thinking, "What's my sister going to think when she comes, what if my best friend who lives in Mexico City comes to visit?!" Maybe I just need to chill out. Thanks for listening, it feels good to get this off my chest. It's a stupid problem, I know, but for some reason I just can't get my head wrapped around it.

Oh, and I finally figured out what SAHM means, so I'm adding it to my sig because that's what I'm doing until I can gracefully address the world like
the lady in Flynn's response. I can handle any conversation my boys dish out. "Mom, I never, NEVER eat poop." It's a happy, happy place here.

Jodi

We were eating out with DH's best friend and wife and they asked me how much the house we just bought cost. They had been openly discussing other things, so I told them. Our house was a 1500 sq/ft fixer-upper for a little over half a million. From my perspective, I was criticizing the CA market.

You were in a no-win situation there. If you'd refused to answer, you would have been perceived as rude (although it was the question that was rude IMO), and by telling the truth, they got to take from it what they wanted. 1500 sq feet in CA for a little over $500K is standard (and horrendous). My cousin bought what I refered to as the 1/2 million $ fixer-upper in Pasadena for about that price, and it was maybe 1000 sq feet.

If your dh hasn't heard from his friend in 3 years, the friend had other issues.

I'm glad you're here -- we need more folks on the 'other side' of things to help keep the hopes of the ones "in the trenches" alive.

Geesh, I agree with Jenn. You can't win on that one. Real estate prices are so relative depending on what part of the country you are talking about. If they can't get that, what can you do?

I tried to respond to this a few times but got side-tracked. I know there will always be someone with more money than me and someone with less. It's not worth worrying about. Some people are ok about, some will have a chip on their shoulder, and some will need to tell you about the trip they had to take to Italy to get the just right marble. Poo on the latter two groups.

I agree that if you are comfortable having a party in your house, then you should do it, esp if that is the norm for his practice. It could seem snobbish if you don't. But if you don't feel like it, who cares! They can just deal.

and some will need to tell you about the trip they had to take to Italy to get the just right marble. Poo on the latter two groups.

see? this is how 'not there' i am. i suggested the trip to Italy might be to buy granite! what kind of a dawkter's wife am I???

Proof that I've read one too many home design magazines.

Kris- I think you may be onto something, thinking up questions and topics of conversation beforehand. You're a GENIUS!!! Actually I have tried that, (while slamming a few brewskies) but I'm now moving it up to another level. (hard alcohol.) (Just kidding.)

Thanks for the advice everyone!

Jodi