Making Time

[Lo]

OK so I kind of posted this in my "hi, this is who I am" post on the introducitons page, but I think this question would be more appropriate here.

Let me just start by saying that I am really happy with my fiance, and everything is really great. The only problem is that we always find ourselves coming back to the same discussion of how to have more time to spend with eachother (its the only thing we ever argue about). It came up again last night and we made a little progress (i think) so we'll see, I think it will pretty much be a mute point in nine months once we are married and living together. Do any of you have any advice about this topic (as i am SURE that everyone of you have been there)?

I just feel like I am constantly dropping anything and everything to be with him or to do something for him and I don't feel the same reciprocated. I know that obviously if he is at the hospital there is nothing I can do about that, but I just feel like I am constantly putting in 110% and he isn't. Like I am constantly competing for his time.

And this prob makes me sound like a whiny bitch but it is just how I feel, and I hope there are others out there who have delt with this problem as well and can just offer some advice.

[Stella]

I just feel like I am constantly dropping anything and everything to be with him or to do something for him and I don't feel the same reciprocated.

I struggled with this too during a grad year and then when med school started. IMHO, if you see him four times a week during residency when you don't live together (or even that NEAR) each other, you are doing GREAT. I often don't see my SO that much and we live five blocks away. It took a lot of adjustment to realize that I could plan stuff anyway. For example, I decided to take a ballroom dance class (something we had always talked about doing together) and when I told him, he got so sad that it wasn't with him that he rearranged his study plans for the entire week so that he could go with me. I felt ... awesome. Of course, it hasn't happened since...but that's the general idea you're aiming for.

How old are you? You're still in college right? Live up your last little bit of time there. You'll never get that back (and you'll constantly wish you could.)

And lastly, come to this site. It helped me 1) get ahold of reality (thanks Heidi, Janet, Kevin, Kris, Sylvia, Amber, Angie, etc. etc. for giving me the most honest truth and advice I've gotten anywhere, even when it was hard to hear) and 2) realize that sometimes you need to do things for yourself and your SO will either buck up and catch up to the program or... not. Good for us, they almost always do.

You'll be okay. You've got us now.

Re: Making Time

Like I am constantly competing for his time.

You are.

Develop your own interests, hobbies, etc. and fill yourself with them. At some point it has to be the togetherness happens when it fits for both of you, or you'll always resent it. There isn't much he can do about his schedule - that's the plain & simple truth ... for many years to come. You've either got to be willing to continue the "drop everything" approach, or accept the full lives on both sides approach. I know it's hard - especially just before getting married, etc. you want to spend lots of time together, but you've got to have a realistic approach, or it will continue to be a sore point.

[Lo]

Thanks for the posts! I guess it is just learning how to react when I feel dissapointed and not show it...even though I have always been told it is bad to hold in feelings...grrr

For some reason I don't remember struggling with that as much as most of the other so's did, so that's why I hesitate to post anything. I think I went into the relationship realizing DH had no control over basically anything in his life, so all I could offer was sanctuary. A place where no one gave him any demands and he could find his center again, on his own, if only for a few minutes. That seemed to work for us. Oh! I do remember flipping out when he started spending three hours at the gym at a time, but then I got a membership, we cut it down to 2 (I usually ended up soaking my feet for an hour) and all was well again.

I would agree with everyone else that the only thing you can do is stay busy yourself. I was a new teacher, starting my Master's degree (for the first of three times) (we move a lot) and into at least one other hobby (Tae kwon do, softball, etc....)

It wasn't easy, but SO SO worth the effort. Then it took about a year for DH to chill out, but now he's fully recovered and we're livin' the good life. :---

Jodi

[Lo]

Yah, I mean i have NO problem when he is busy with hospital stuff he has no control over that and i know and understand that. its just the extra stuff he does that bothers me (for example this weekend he agreed to babysit all weekend when he has boards in two weeks) so not only do we barely get to see eachother cause hes putting so many hours in at the hospital and i live in the city him in the suburbs but now he is also babysitting this weekend so hes busy with the kids annnnd hes stressed out about his boards...grr haha sorry im just kinda ranting right now...i need to release the annoyment (is that a word? ) somewhere...

Anyway thanks to all of you!!

i've only been a member two days and im already addicted haha

I've got to say - as irritating as it is - you've gotta love a guy who will babysit!

[Lo]

I've got to say - as irritating as it is - you've gotta love a guy who will babysit!

haha oh that is one of the many things that makes him, him and without those little things he wouldnt be the guy i fell in love with :---

and yah tonight we are going to a haunted house together with the kids so that will be fun, i mean they are great kids and its money that we wouldnt have otherwise had, i just think that of all weekends, two weeks before boards couldn't have been a worse time to make this sort of commitment