I'm back.....with questions!

My fiance Gary and I have been together for nearly three years now. Though we met at University of Illinois and spent every waking moment together at the beginning, we confronted our very first physical and emotional challenge two months into our relationship, when I moved to France and we started the adventures in long distance relationships that have kept us hours apart ever since. Gary is now front and center in the Great Residency Decision, putting me right there along with him. He's originally from New York and I'm a very happy midwesterner, so distance is yet again not on our side. His parents are forcibly pressuring him to move homewhile I'm not keeping quiet on my preference to stay right where I am in Chicago. To tell the absolute truth, I would not be opposed to moving but I'm nervous about how challenging it would be to establish myself in a place I know so little about without him there. And though I'm only 23, I'm already thinking about how I would like to raise my kiddos here with my mom and dad and brothers and very large, very close famikly nearby (his family is not close).

So there's just a lot going on in my wee little head......

Needless to say, there's been some friction between us lately and I admit that a great deal of it is on my end. He's feeling tremendously guilty about forcing me to uproot myself for him, and he feels responsible for my anxiety and pain. I'm pursuing my master's and have a job that I truly love (teaching middle school French) in a district whereI'm really making a difference. But that could all change come March and it's making me nervous and it's tearing him apart. It's gotten to a point where he is pleading with me to tell him what I need to make me happy. I love him so much that now the guilt is overtaking me because I'm making him so unhappy and sad. And I can't stand being that jealous, demanding, self-centered girl. That's not what I want to be. I want to tell him I'm not angry with him for considering NY because I"m not, but I don't want to give up on expressing what's important to me.

In that vein, he's suggested that I think of questions for him to ask during his interviews. My trouble is, I'm not sure where to begin with the questions! That's where you come in: Looking back (or looking ahead), what's one question you wish you did (or could) ask about a program to help you feel more comfortable about it? Or, come to think of it, do you have any other general advice for me? I know there's no better place to go and no better people to ask than this amazing group! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Monique

I don't have a "wish we asked" question, but do have a thought on residency. As far as his family pressuring him goes - he doesn't have complete control over it. Match is an amazing beast. He can interview all sorts of places, rank them according to what works best for BOTH of you, and move forward from there.

One thing to remind him when looking at residency: it's (IMO) more important for YOU to be in an area where you're happy than him. He will rarely leave the hospital. You, on the other hand, will be fending for yourself more often than not. If it's possible to keep you where you're socially and professionally comfortable, then I'd say it's worth doing.

[SuzySunshine]

Once your DH decides on programs that he is serious about (i.e. his top 5-10 depending on specialty/competition) ask DH to ask the program director (or his secretary) for a senior level resident spouse that you can talk to. Seriously. I did this and if the program is really as great as they make themselves out to be they won't mind giving up the information.

Once you get that person's ear (or e-mail) ask where they're from and what they're opinion is of being a spouse in the program. Where they're from gives you an idea of what they're basing their decision on.

If you can't get a spouse to speak to your DH should be able to ask someone. I would ask...
- What percentage of residents own their homes?
- What percentage of residents are married?
- What percentage of residents have kids?
And I don't mean in the whole program - just the specialty you're matching in.
(You can kind of see where my concerns lie)
Regarding your job I would have him ask about the school systems - how advanced are they? Are they going to have good jobs from someone with your specialty?

The other thing to think about is to not put your eggs all in one basket. Maybe you decide Chicago is both of your's first choice, still rank the NY programs after Chicago because ending up where one of you wants to be is better than ending up somewhere neither of you want to be.

My biggest piece of advice though is that DH will spend 99% of his residency years in the hospital - YOU will be the one that has to LIVE where you end up. DH's family may think having him close by would be a great idea but they're not going to get to see him any more than you are so the distance probably won't make that much of a difference unless you're in the same town as his parents.

Good luck!

[Meenah]

Have him read these boards! Best of luck to you.

[Flynn]

Great suggestions by Jesher and Cheri!

Like Luanne said, read read read the boards. Try and get your fiance to read them too. Admitting residency is going to be challenging is a great first step to management.

Okay, now my "don't trust medicine" side is coming out. Cheri's questions are fantastic but don't expect to get honest answers. It's likely they don't know they answers OR the answers are depressing so they don't really answer them. My rule of thumb during training is not to trust anything unless it's in writing--NOTHING. Even then, schedules change and rules are broken. If you know this is possible going in to residency, it might not be such a rude awakening.

[alison]

I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you think you'll stay in a certain city/town/village your whole medical career. What about fellowship? What about after that...? There are so many instances where you'll be pulling your hair out if you're bent on one place. Yes, I'd like to leave Chicago after residency and move back to Seattle, but I think I've got to keep an open (or at least slightly more open mind) :> about where we end up.

[SuzySunshine]

Unless I missed it, you also haven't mentioned what specialty he plans to do?? Illinois is one of the WORST states for malpractice, especially for surgeons.

[DCJenn]

My one piece of advice has already been said- don't think for one second that you're going to end up anywhere where you think you will. This is 100% true regardless of specialty, size of program, competitiveness of the program, and whether or not you're military (I assume that you're not)

Another wrinkle that people don't EVER mention is that the military residencies are announced BEFORE the civilian residencies so that the military has time to locate civilian residencies for those who need them.

and...we have had plenty of people here who have had to scramble because they didn't match. It's ugly but true, particularly if they're applying for a very comptetitive program. (and there are about another 800 reasons why)

Have Plans B, C and D ready to go and get used to haveing to plan for contingencies for the rest of residency, if not the rest of the medical career.

Jenn

[ides]

Like others have said, with a medical spouse it's better not to have your hopes on any one location. You have to move where you get in and limiting your choices unneccesarlily could bring heartbreak and not matching. I know it's not a happy reality, but it's reality. With all else said, I wish you and your SO the best of luck matching where you wish. Try to put your efforts into helping your SO interview well and not dwell on location until it's rank time. I agree that the location is more important for the spoise than the dr. Try to visit Ny and any other location with your SO. No matter when you end up you should be able to find a good job in your field.

[Vishenka69]

Pretty much agree with what everyone said. Unless he only ranks programs in NY & Chicago, there's still a chance to end up somewhere else. Even if you move to NY for residency, you can still move back to Chicago or anywhere else afterward. It's totally doable to have kids in NY (most of our friends do and all have part/full-time nannies). Many of our friends who stayed near family for the kids, are now complaining and looking to move after residency. Parents can be extremely overbearing, often forgetting who the real parent is.

There's a lot to think and talk about before moving anywhere.

[madeintaiwan]

I think that everyone has pretty much summed it up.

We moved across country for medical school. Before moving I lived only 30 minutes away from my family and saw my mom atleast once a week ( I went to college near my home town). Moving away from "home" was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Although we had DS I seriously debabted not going. When I made the decision to go with DH I promised myself that I was going to see it through and do whatever to get through it. We're not even done with MS (4th year) but it has been tough especially with 2 kids. A lot of people don't understand how hard it is to become a doctor especially when you have a family. My mother got a taste of my life when we were at home for an away rotation and she saw that Dh only had 3 days off during the 4 weeks and left the house at 4am and returned after 6 everyday. She doesn't complain to me about my stepdad's long hours in car sales biz anymore. I don't know what specialty your finace is going into but with my DH I will be happy that he matches. Yes, I desperately want to go home or at least back west but in the end residency is only 5-6 more years. I guess my point is, that if we really had a real "choice" of where to go for residency, where the spouse will be happiest should be the top priority. But since most people don't really have the choice I think you as person have to decide if you can handle the reality of really having no control over your life for awhile. If you have kids, being a single parent even though you are married. Being away from your family; I went a year and a half without seeing my mom. My mom wasn't here when my daughter was born. Due to finances and my half brothers are young and in elementary school. I was devasted when I landed at the airport and saw the city that we live in, I still hate it (it is the most dangerous city in the country and one of the most segregated cities as well, the poverty is overwhelming), but I have made some amazing friends that have helped me get through it. Anything can be done. You're a team but know that with a life in medicine your happiness sometimes has to sit on the back burner. I love my husband and I support him fully, but supporting him and our family is a full time self-sacrificing exhausting job. I don't resent DH (he has wanted to be a doctor since he was a little boy visiting his Rn mother's PICU) and I am proud of all that he has accomplished but being a doctor is his dream not mine and helping him fulfill that dream can be a burden and overwhelming at times. If you love him and want to spend your life with him, wheverever you end up, you have to tell yourself that you are a strong person and you will get through it.