Since the beginning of it all...

How many of you have been with your spouses since he/she started medical school? If not, at what point did you join the fun? How is residency different than medical school in terms of time constraints, etc.?

Wendy,



I met my husband when he was doing his rotational year. In Germany, med school is 6 years....this is almost all basic science and pathophysiology....very much science oriented. They do rotations, but no clerkships. After the 6 years, they do a "rotational year" where they do 3 mo of IM, 3 mo of surgery and 3 mo of an elective. We met while he was on his second rotation, an elective...we actually weren't very fond of each other at the time, but were forced to work together every day and were assigned to do several projects together.



Our experience isn't typical of the US experience, but I would say that med school time constraints don't compare to residency. One of the things about residency that my husband found more demanding than his rotations was the increased level of responsibility for patient care. As a student, he read and worked at keeping up, but had no say in the decision-making process. As a resident, the decision-making fell to him (ultimately the attending makes the decision, but you need to be making the correct ones)...I think that the hours were much worse as a resident (particularly as an intern) and that the pressure was increased.



Hope this didn't scare you off





Kris

[DCJenn]

about halfway through his third year of med school. As most of these people have heard (heard? how do you hear email- oh well, whatever) he did most of his third year and nearly all of his fourth year at rotations at military hospitals not even remotely close to me. (Hawaii, San Diego, Seattle, San Antonio- poor dear) So, in one sense, Internship has been great because now I get to see him on at least a semi-regular basis.



However, the lack of seeing each other regularly made living together a bit more of an adjustment for him. He also has no personal space- I'm usually home when he is. I get my personal space when he's at work. And I entertain myself exceptionally well. (maybe because I'm older than the other spouses, this hasn't been nearly as hard on me as some of the others I have spoken with.)



I guess my answer is that at least for us, the two experiences are not even remotely alike. Internship is way better. (scary)



Jenn

I met my husband during his second semester of undergrad! SO I have been around for the WHOLE experience. He is just starting his 4th year of med school and residency has me scared silly. That 2nd year of med school was horrendous but I have enjoyed the 3rd year and I don't expect this year to be bad other when he is off doing rotations in other states. I keep telling myself that internship is only one year and that I can handle that (let me dream OK?!) but 4 more years of a general surgery residency is a little daunting. Here's planning for the best ...



Robin

i met my hub-to-be during his third year of med school -

he was doing "research" so we had *all* the time in the world to DATE and see movies and hang out and travel and you know, do all of those "normal" things! ha! his fourth year was just as good - some distance problems because of all of the interviews but we managed.

residency has been a whopper. no comparison in my opinion to med school. in med school, he was a student. there was *always* someone who was "more important" - now he has so much, if not all sometimes, responsibility. and what a time sucker residency is.

ok, can we all tell that i am just not that fond of residency? ha!

Hi!



I met and married my husband before medical school. As far as time constraint comparisons between medical school and residency, well it was a huge difference in my opinion. The responsibility is tripled and late nights at the hospital and on-call schedules make less time for my husband, a resident, to spend time with me and our boys!!! What I have learned though is to adjust my expectations of my husband and to adjust the way I handle situations whereas I am the sole decision maker at times because he doesn't have the time to think about decisions that have to made in a hurry! Well, those are my minute thoughts...






Christy
MD Spouses Support Forums

Hi Christy...definately more than just minute thoughts.....I am amazed, honestly, by your ability to adjust your expectations. You have had sooo much on your plate this past year with Jonah and then the beginning of residency. I admire your ability to stay positive through all of this.



Kris

I love the girl with the flag!



Kris

[Phoebe]

I met my husband at the beginning of his internship year and I was finishing graduate school. There wasn't much time for "us" and pretty much still isn't! The internship year was the hardest and I am surprised that we stayed together. Must have been something special between us. Each year got a little better though with less call and more time together. We have learned to make it a priority and we own stock in Blockbuster.



The only vacation we have taken together is our honeymoon. I plan on changing that!



Jennifer

I'm not sure if I'm encouraged or more worried by everyone's responses......



What in the world am I in for?



Wendy

what in the world am I in it for



Wendy, don't be discouraged. The training process can be stressful and different people deal with it differently. For those of us currently "in the trenches" it can be tough to be positive about the experience sometimes...so....occasionally you hear the rants and vents. I'm sure it looks negative from the outside....but you want everyone to be honest, right?



Like you said, it IS only for a short time. If you can keep yourself focused on that, then you will be ok...it is only normal to feel frustrated and at times a bit depressed about the process...but I think that everyone was positive and realistic in this thread.



Don't worry!



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network

[Phoebe]

Wendy- don't be discouraged. I said that there isn't much time and it was hard for us in the beginning. But now we are really happy. Of course in an ideal situation I would feel better with more quality time with my husband. It is all what you make of it and you have to work a little harder and there are disappointments at times. But overall, I am very happy with my life.



Jennifer

I met my husband (who just graduated from medical school a few days ago) when he was in his third and I in my second year of college. At that time he was planning on applying to medical school but didn't tell me until we were engaged. I helped him study for the MCATs, write his application essays, and went on a number of his interviews. I was pregnant and very ill when he got his acceptance to medical school so I wasn't as enthusiastic as he would've liked. But, we have made it through and have now been married six years! I'll get my first taste of residency in three weeks and it really doesn't matter if I'll like it or not - the fact is for the next five years that will be my husband's life. So, if I do have any problems, I'll have to find ways to deal with them pretty early on. Luckily, I have a husband who has made his decisions regarding his career with his family being his first priority. I'm no dummy and I know that his career is a time-consuming one, but so was my own father's career and our lives haven't exactly been slow-paced to date (what with three kids including twins, moving once a year every year of our marriage, medical school, and various other circumstances). Besides, it appears that many, many women have gotten through their husband's residencies with their marriages intact, so it obviously can be done and often is. So, the short answer to your last question is that I haven't a clue as to the differences between medical school and residency however, I'll have to deal with them the way I dealt with medical school!

[Amiens]

How many of you have been with your spouses since he/she started medical school?

I met Matt when he was 2 weeks into his 1st year of medical school, about a year later (if we wanted to get married and have some "normal" newlywed time together it had to be the summer between 1st and 2nd yr) we got married! So I have been through it all from the the 120 hour week (didn't think you could work that many hours) for surgery rotation of 3rd year to the nice cushy "had only one call sub-I the entire time" 4th year. Med school did not seem too bad, although there were times during 3rd year I thought were somewhat "yucky." But now that I am done with school, and have ALOT more time on my hands, and Matt is more stressed, emotionally and physically drained than ever, it is harder than I imagined I guess.



I am quoting my husband from the other night as he dragged his limp body through our apartment door after working 13 1/2 hours straight (he wasn't on-call). "If I didn't want to be a doc so much and I wasn't $100,000 in debt- I would quit right now." Granted we have friends who are 3rd and 4th yr residents, and they have told Matt that he is doing his intern year at a pretty tough place. I will be honest and say this past month- the most I have seen Matt on a given night is maybe two hours, on average I see him for 30 min to an hour before he crashes into bed. I am definitely looking forward to next year when he starts his anesthesia residency.

As far as the time constraints- you learn to adapt, make do with what you have, and you become very creative with how you spend your time together.



Crystal

you learn to adapt, make do with what you have, and you become very creative with how you spend your time together.



How true...and what a positive way to look at it....I look back on residency now in a very nostalgic way...never thought I'd do that! I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can look at fellowship that way though ! We spent date nights walking outside or going through the mall (without the credit cards!) dreaming of what life would be like post-residency.



It is a great topic though....becoming creative about spending time with someone who would prefer sleeping to eating! I'd love to hear some of the things you came up with!



Kris