Does separation make the heart grow fonder?

[peggyfromwastate]

Hi- I was just curious as to how the spouses here have dealt with being separated from their significant others. My husband is preparing for OBC in San Antonio in June (he has to check in there on Father's Day : Why Father's Day???). It is 6 weeks long, and I am gearing myself up for surviving it with respect to taking care of the kids. I think it's a boot camp for me to prepare me for the years to come when his schedule as a student, resident and then independent doctor (will he ever get there???) will not allow him to spend as much time helping out around the house and playing with the kids, etc.

I was just wondering what anyone has gone through as a result of these separations. Has it made relationships stronger? Do the kids not trust the one who is deployed or gone for a training when that person comes back home? Are there any special tips for "staying connected"? The twins are so young (they'll be 2 when DH's gone) that I don't feel I can "prepare" them. My 7-yr-old understands and she has enough perspective to get by with phone conversations and perhaps emails, but I am 27 and don't know how I will survive!!! I should understand this better I think!

Any advise out there???

(BTW, how do you spell advise? Is it advice or advise?)

Peggy

[mommax3]

Peggy,

First of all, I believe it is advice, the way you were using it.

Next, about separations -- they are not easy, but we have found that the reunions are usually very sweet! The officer training when my husband went in was more like four weeks, and we had never been apart for even a night in 4 years when he went. That was the worst one because it was a new experience. We didn't have kids then, either.

I don't remember med school being too bad, at least compared with residency -- of course, we were close to family and I always had them as back up if I got lonely. But I really don't remember a TON of overnight call.

My oldest was two when DH started residency. It was hard for our son, but I made sure he had visited both hospitals where DH worked (we would take dinner or whatever) so that he could at least kind of picture where Daddy was. He did talk a lot to his Dad on the phone, too. We made the most of the times when DH was home so that there would be those memories when he was gone. I just had to find a routine and stick to it during the week, no matter what. The routine included a fairly late bedtime for our kids, at least until my oldest started school! That was the only way sometimes that my husband was able to see him.

I have to give a lot of credit to my husband for keeping things on a fairly even keel through residency, even though his schedule was pretty brutal. He really didn't have any outlets -- he was either at work or he was with us, doing Daddy stuff, except when we got sitters of course, or when the kids were asleep! I know I am lucky that he didn't chafe at the confines of his life during those four years.

Also, when he rotated up to Ft. Hood (they worked up there two months a year every year except the last one) we would try to make at least one trip up to Killeen (ugh -- very gross place!) so that the kids could also see that place. When he took trips to medical meetings, (they usually went to one a year as residents -- their way was paid by Uncle Sam) the kids and I would go if at all possible. We also would try to talk every day without fail, unless he was out of the country (he went on a humanitarian mission to Nicauragua during residency) and tried to get a babysitter and go out at least once a month -- VERY IMPORTANT in my opinion. It will take hard work from both of you to get through all of the training years, and we did find that it built a sense of partnership for us as a couple.

It was not easy and sometimes I was VERY lonely, but you know the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" -- I found that my attitude determined my kids' attitudes 95% of the time. I just took it a day at a time and somehow the weeks and months and years took care of themselves. Now I am just hoping and praying that we get out without a major deployment. I have no desire to return to the world of pseudo-single parenting -- although his specialty and many others mean that I live on the threshold of that world most of the time anyway.


Wishing you the best -- perhaps you could get some family to watch your kids and spend a weekend in San Antonio with your husband while he is gone? As I recall, my husband had some time on his hands on weekends, but Army may be different.

Sally

[DCJenn]

Peggy-

I answer this from the perspective of 1) not having any kids, 2) being 33 and already divorced when we got married and 3) owning my own home, car, etc.

So, in short, although it was a difficult time, I didn't suffer too badly. I kind of look at it like "well, can't do anything about it, why get upset?" mode. We met in March of '99 and got married in May of '00 and of the 14 months that we dated, he was gone for nine of them and I was gone for one! That said, the longest we were apart were the two months he suffered through FP and Peds in Hawaii. Poor dear. I visited about once a month (and had all of my long distance going to Southwest Airlines points so I earned a free trip thanks to our long distance relationship!) and we flew him home once with a priceline.com cheapy ticket.

The shorter times are more of a pain than the longer times in my opinion. Just when you are used to them being gone and you have a routine- bam there they are messing everything back up again. The Ft. Hood rotations during residency were by far the most annoying. The USUHS rotations were doable because there were so many of them! He drove from DC to CA, visited his family, left his car in CA, flew to Hawaii. Flew back, drove to WA, back down to CA (did a rotation at the Navy hospital in CA), then to TX where he left his car. I flew down to start my job, we spent a weekend together and he flew home to my condo and my car, and I stayed at our apt here in TX with his car until I flew home, he graduated, we got married and we moved (in the space of Saturday -Thursday) and neither of us went crazy, as I recall.

Definitely come to SA and visit if you can. There are lots of places to stay and they stay in a Holiday Inn near Ft. Sam. So...they aren't suffering too badly, trust me. They get a few nights off and the last weekend before they finish apparently a lot of spouses come in- that was before my time- but I would have come down.

Jenn

[peggyfromwastate]

Thanks! I am always amazed by how hectic your lives have been- both of you! We have already bought a ticket (hope his leave gets approved ) for my husband to meet us over the 4th of July weekend (the OBC students have a 3-day holiday). So we'll be able to see him right in the middle. I thought that would be very good for the kids, and of course I'll need a break or something by then!

Knowing my husband, he'll do all he can to keep life as "normal" for the kids while he's in school. He plans to "be home by 5:30" every night. We'll see! He's gonna go to school EARLY in the am each day... I think that he's going to use the metro or MARC or both depending on where we live, just so that he doesn't end up stuck in traffic so badly. So we sort of have a plan for during medical school. After that... Who knows???

Hi Peggy~ I am not military but just wanted to to respond to your comment on your husband's schedule. My hubby, Joel is a 1st yr. Med student (only 7 more weeks until year 2!) and I stay at home with our 2 kids ages 5 and 3 and 1 on the way. Anyway, I can really relate to you b/c our hubby's our so close in their schooling and we both have kids during Med school. I saw that you wrote that your hubby is concerned about family time and wants to be home by 5. Joel is VERY big on family time and so far school has been great. He leaves the house every weekday by 5 or 5:30 am and is home usually by 5 pm. His lectures start at either 8 or 9 so he gets in a few hours studying early and then is done with lectures somedays by 3 and he stays and studies another hour or two. Somedays he calls me at like 2 and is pretty tired and burn out and so he goes to pick up our son from school and has "special time" with him. Then he will study that evening. He also studies on Sat. but usually never on Sundays. It works out. We get him home almost everynight and he helps with baths and helps put the kids to bed and has dinner with us. It really works out well. Oh, EXCEPT for mid terms and finals. THEN it gets very lonely around here for a couple of weeks. I just thought I would share that with you b/c we REALLY stressed last year when we didn't know what school would be like and IF we would ever get to see one another. I realize that every couple and family is different but it works out!

Jessica

[Rapunzel]

I have three experiences with my husband doing away rotations during medical school. The first time was during his first year of med school. We had one child and were still "newlyweds". That was a very, very hard seperation and I was lonely and bored a great deal. I ended up spending a few weeks with my parents.

The second time was at the beginning of third year in med school. He went to Travis AFB for a rotation. We at first considered me and the kids accompanying him but those plans fell through when my oldest (who was 2 at the time) had to have neurosurgery scheduled for that month. So, while my husband was 1800+ miles away for four weeks I took care of our baby twin daughters and our 2 year old son who ended up having two neurosurgeries during that time. I had help from family and friends but it still ended up being the hardest month of my life (at the end of what became the worst summer of my life). I was so stressed out I didn't have time to be lonely or miss my husband. He managed to fly back to Dallas for one of our son's surgeries but he missed the other one. By the end of that rotation I had contracted pneumonia in my left lung as a result of not taking care of myself. Oh, I didn't mention that during that month we had our wedding anniversary. When my husband returned he arranged for family to take care of our children and took me to a nice hotel for the weekend. The whole experience actually made our marriage stronger of all things!

The third away rotation took place between third and fourth years of med school. He went to Wilford Hall at Lackland in San Antonio and the kids and I accompanied him. We had an absolute blast! During the day I took the kids out to explore San Antonio and the radiology rotation he was on was so great he got out pretty early. So, we'd go out to eat almost every night after we spent some time at the base pool. It was virtually a four week vacation and we all still have very fond memories of that time period. I fell in love with San Antonio (as did my husband) and I am very glad we accompanied him on that rotation.

My advice from my own personal experience is to accompany your spouse on away rotations whenever possible. Take advantage of the cheap price of staying on base and explore the local community and have fun with your kids. If aaccompanying him is not possible I strongly suggest you arrange for family and/or friends to help you out both emotionally and physically. If you can visit family during that time period or if you can have them come and visit you it will give you extra help and a chance to take your mind off of missing your spouse.

[peggyfromwastate]

Thanks so much! Jessica, your comments on the time your husband is able to spend with you during medical school are very encouraging! My husband already gets up and to work very early in the am, after working out, and so I am used to doing everything alone in the mornings until about 4 or 5 pm. Family dinner is a neat time for us all. The babies are really into it, too. Your words are indeed encouraging as all we hear are horror stories, mostly by my mom about my dad and his studying techniques. He had a sign that he put outside his door while he was studying. It was some bible verse that said something about the virtue of patience. The message was "do not knock on this door even if you are having a heart attack." But my husband is vastly different from my father and I don't know why I would imagine his studying habits would be the same!!!

Rapunzel I can't even express how amazed I am that you survived, and your kids did, too. What an awful time it must have been. I almost want to cry when I look back on the first months with twins, and I had TONS of help. I can't even possibly imagine how difficult that was for you.

Since our oldest will be in regular school, the only way we can accompany my husband on away rotations would be if they were in the summer. I would like to do that--- especially if he does a rotation at Madigan, which is in Tacoma, WA and close to the rest of my family. We also are hoping, I don't know if this is possible, to have my husband be gone for the surgury rotations- those that are more time-intensive and where we probably wouldn't see him at home anyway. Does anyone know how much say you can have as to which rotations you leave for and as to where you go???

This summer will be different for us, but I am thankful that I am here with the rest of my family, and I am thrilled that we'll all be able to see DH in the middle of the separation when we all meet in Ashland, OR for a "reunion/vacation". I'll probably be so busy packing up and making decorating plans for our new house, should we have one, that I won't have too much time to feel lonely. But I don't like to be the only adult in the houseat night!!! I guess I should get used to it...