What IS the hardest part of being a male medical spouse?

[PrincessFiona]

Can you guys pinpoint a single issue for you that causes the greatest difficulty? I've often wondered what is hardest for the men...

Kris

Well, after staring at this post for much too long, I have come to the conclusion that it isn't just one thing in particular. When DW and I discussed my staying at home it never occurred to me that I would literally be the parent raising our children. I envisioned a little baby, lots of holding, cuddling, some feeding, some changing and lots of resting. WRONG!! Nothing could have ever prepared me for the total package of parenting, no college classes, no athletics..nothing.

Now, one of the hardest things that I am still dealing with is how cut-off from the world I feel. After reading many of the posts here I realize that it is something that most stay-at-home-parents deal with regularly. There are lots of groups for mothers, but it is still hard for dads to find a niche or a group. I have been to several playgroups, but as the lone male, I tend to end up being a playmate/plaything for the kids with no real outlet of adult conversation. Some of the conversation I don't know that I would want to be a part of anyway!

I have always been very social and make friends easily but it has been tough. I have joined a mountain biking club, but I can't really take my three year old out on some park trails with a tricycle!
There is also a flip side to this though. My son is growing to be a very outgoing little man. I love the fact that wherever we go he is always saying hello to everyone, using good manners and being nice. There isn't enough of that in the world today and it makes me very happy to see that he has picked that up from me. We always meet someone new when we are out and about and it just tickles him to have made an impression. Funny how he knows when he is doing something that makes people feel good.
Another area that used to bother me was my earning potential being wasted. Then I looked at it in a different light and see that I can't make enough money to get the feeling of instilling true good qualities in my children before they are old enough for school.

[fluffhead]

what he said.

Hi! I'm a physician whose wife has a ministry to female medical students/residents/physicians, and we both have same to students. We will be speaking at a women in medicine conference, and I will be speaking (I hope more like facilitating) a group of men who are medical spouses (I assume they will be both MD and non-MD, sahd and non). I have read with interest the comments posted here, and wondered if anyone could give me any other ideas of topics/issues to discuss.

Issues

A big issue especially being latino, is the stigma of expectations placed upon men and work. We are very much expected to work outside the house. My wife is very understanding in this regard but because it is so enbedded in men psyches, I can't seem to shake the feeling of guilt. I also dislike the comments, "Oh you don't have to work anymore." What does this imply? I know I am probably too hard on myself but again it is difficult to think outside the box. One thing is for sure, I don't want to have maladjusted children. So I don't regret staying home to be the major caretaker of my family. But more importantly, we as men have take a truly active role within our family circles. We can't continue to have "Columbines " type events occur for our and kids sake.

[Flynn]

Wow guys. Your wives are very lucky to have you (but you already knew that!) !!

Everything you guys described is how being an older mother feels.
I have to say I'm lucky in the sense I don't look older but I feel so out of place. I took my child to Gymboree and the other moms were talking about the year they graduated college. When it was my turn to answer I gulped and said 81 the quite you could cut with a knife

Then I got the " Oh I hope I look as good as you do when I'm YOUR AGE Yea ...good come back ..especially when one of them said Wow I was born in 79 :>

My take on raising of the children is pretty basic. I think first and formost that the parents should be the ones doing it if at all possible. Second a Uterus is not required to be the primary caregiver. I commend all of you for making the most unselfish decision of your lives. You will be paid back 100 fold just like I believe I will be for chosing to be a SAHP even though I will qualify for Social security by the time my baby graduates from under grad

MrsOBDoc

[pstone]

There are two catagories that define what I think is hard about being not only a physicians husband, but being the child rearing parent. If I imagine for a second being a DINK (dual income no kids) couple, or a daycare couple I really think most of the issues fall away except the lack of time during residency.

Catagory one deals with the issues surrounding SAHDhood. Loss of career identity, loss of income, loss of social interaction, societal stigmas, and the sterotypes you run across. In brief all these issues require a re-orientation to what how you saw yourself as a little boy. I never played house, never pretended to have babies, never saw myself packing the wife's lunch as she walked out the door. I could write a thesis on these issues but in general I am finding that it requires cognative concentration to avoid the landminds that these things can become.

Catagory Two could just be lumped into catagory one but I feel that it needs special attention. In addition to the landminds of the first catagory, there is the issue of the man woman relationship. Now I am guessing that most men that head down this road are lets say, progressive thinkers. No back room "barefoot and pregnant types" need apply. However, from my experience the single hardest part of what I do is feeling manly. I know this too is a sterotype but I think it is engrained in me to want to provide, to protect, and to take care of my family. It feels strange to have my wife leave the protection of the cave all day. As much support as the DW gives about "my job being more important" it still is difficult. Throw the whole sex thing into the mix and catagory one here has me reeling. No bringing home flowers or cooking the special dinner for the wife, I cook all the dinners. No have a break from the kids honey, I need the break. I will not bore you all with any more specifics but I am sure you will all get to see how I deal with the loss of the traditional male "ego" and how I hopefully develop a new more universal one.

Just my current thoughts.

As a social worker (a field predominantly comprised a women), I'm not new to the gender role reversal. With my wife being a surgical resident, we've managed to solidify our reversed roles pretty well...

I have to say that in my experience, the stress and strain involved with being a "Mr. MD" is probably not all that different from being a female medical spouse. Although I have joked about how many of my male medical spouse counterparts and I gripe about things like having to act like a "1950's housewife" has never happened to anyone else before.

When my wife started her residency, it timed out with me starting a private practice based out of our house. The pressures associated with starting a business is only compounded by not having the full- or even part-time support of a spouse, but I can't say I didn't know what I was getting into when I began. Going along with stereotypes, I would imagine that many a woman had to start a business absent consistent support of a significant other...

Anyhoo, I guess the biggest gender-related issue we've faced is that right now I'm available to raise children, but she doesn't feel available to make them and would rather wait until residency is done -- when I'm hoping that we'll have time to focus on unimpeded career development and long-delayed materialistic and recreational gratification.

[PrincessFiona]

Anyhoo, I guess the biggest gender-related issue we've faced is that right now I'm available to raise children, but she doesn't feel available to make them and would rather wait until residency is done -- when I'm hoping that we'll have time to focus on unimpeded career development and long-delayed materialistic and recreational gratification.

Sorry I'm so late chiming in....This is interesting to me. Many of the male spouses who do come here are in the position of being the primary caregiver for the children...which I think regardless of the spouse's profession has to be harder due to roll expectations? Maybe I'm wrong.

Is your wife planning on getting a part-time job after residency or do you think at that point that you will both focus on career?

Kris

Kris, I agree with you that the role reversal of fathers being the primary caregiver is complicated and stressful one even with a supportive and understanding spouse under ideal circumstances.

I equate many aspects of my life as the spouse of a surgical resident as being closer to bachelorhood (only without the carefree attitude, sex, fun, and disposable income). Regular stay-at-home parents can often feel underappreciated and isolated. I would have to presume that parenting under the circumstances of "medical spousehood" can serve to compound those feelings and even have the potential of feeling like a single parent a lot of the time. That, combined with the stress and strain of cultural and societal pressures -- lets face it, really sucks.

In response to your question as to life after residency, my wife is planning to do a fellowship and then work full-time. She has yet to choose a surgical specialty, but potentially could enter one that offers an improved quality of life for herself (i.e. a specialty that has more predictable hours and the potential for fewer emergencies, etc.).

Arguably, if one of us is to work part-time while parenting, it will be me. I'm not ruling that out as a possibility, but the years start to add up: 5 years residency + 1 or 2 years fellowship + 5 years (per child) until school-age = a long freaking time before focusing on a career.

I had heard someone give advice regarding the transition from the end of medical training into professional practice. Basically, proceed with caution because you've been functioning in "crisis mode" during these years and need to re-acclimate to each other and "normal" life. Not making major financial decisions and such during that transition makes sense -- don't let your feelings of entitlement get the better of you, etc. I guess that , I'm particularly concerned about adding kids to the equation at that point, might be counterintuitive to our needs (my wife and I) and the child(ren)'s.

My thinking at the moment is that it will boil down to: [1] be a stay at home dad/part-time career, [2] go to law school/have a full-time career, [3] no kids, no work, and be a "kept man"...

[fluffhead]

After thinking about this question for two-and-a-half years, I think I can finally verbalize my answer.
Of course, the hardest parts of being a male medspouse are the same as those of the female medspouse, although before kids, I certainly didn't experience the loneliness issue frequently reported by women here. Call nights back then were like a little vacation for me - being single again :~
The most important uniquely male issue for me is more or less as follows:
I assume that when a male MD comes home, he will do his thing, either help or not help, answer pages, intrude on your rhythm, but for the most part will not challenge the basic housekeeping and childrearing tenets that have been established by the female medspouse.
This is not necessarily true in the female MD case. Even though society may grant women the right to a career and all the rights and responsibilities blah blah blah, women (in my experience) still feel the need to set the pace for home life. And that intrudes on my space.
It has certainly gotten better over the course of residency. Having had this discussion several times with DW, she has learned to accept more of the established rhythm which I've set up here. But the dogma of the happy homemaker rears its head once in awhile, and I'll find the kids' clothes in different drawers, pots where they don't belong, kids routines out of whack, etc.
This said, I do agree that she seems to take on more when she IS home than most of the male MDs I read about on this board. (this has not always been the case).

[houseelf]

Just popping to give a big huge hats off the guys around here. You all do this with grace, style, and a *heck* of a lot less complaining!

Kelly

[Meenah]

Kelly,
You are so right, the guys do complain less!!!!
Luanne

I hate that other people expect my wife to be a "traditional" wife. They look at me funny when I tell them she rarely cooks and is piss-poor when it comes to cleaning. Of course, no one cares that she works over 80h a week and can fix a fracture using only a bobby pin and 2 peanuts.