Gender roles and breadwinner

Hello,

I am a resident's wife and I'm very interested in the concept of the breadwinner and gender roles so I thought I'd post this here.

I've read/heard that many women aren't that interested in being the primary breadwinner, and are okay with their spouses doing that role. My family often says to me things like: "why are you so concerned with working/finding a career? Your husband will support you." This irritates me big time. It bothers me that people assume that I won't want to work/want a career because my husband is a doctor. It also really bothers me that people wonder why I'd even bother wanting a career when I'll be "taken care of." They don't understand that some people get their identity from their work, and that fulfulling work is an important part, for some people, of a fulfilling life.

I've also read/heard that women compare themselves to other women based on appearance/looks, and men compare themselves to other men based on career/success. Of course these are all generalizations.

Anyhow, I, myself, have always compared myself to other women based on career/success. When I'm introduced to another woman, instead of "sizing her up" based on appearance, I do it based on what her career is/how successful she is. However, my perhaps more "male" perspective on this topic also makes me feel very inferior to my husband, a resident. I always feel like second fiddle to him and it really bothers me, perhaps more so than it would bother many female spouses of residents/doctors. I often think about that Bette Midler song, Wind Beneath My Wings, because it sums up how I feel most of the time: "it must have been cold there in my shadow...." I guess what I'm trying to say is that the way I feed inferior/second fiddle to my husband, the doctor, is probably the way many men (not necessarily you guys) feel toward their doctor wives. The only way I can see to help my feelings about this is to either a) become a doctor myself.

Any thoughts?

Just wondered what others perspectives are on this.

Interesting....

Someone around here once said that in a medical marriage, the "carrying spouse" (meaning- carrying the weight of the household job, the daily grind of maintaining peace at home) was often the "invisible spouse". Especially around those that hold doctors on a pedestal, be they family or new acquaintances.

Everyone's situation is different. Some of us can deal with it 97% of the time. Some need more of a 50/50 take on this thing called the medical marriage. It is hard, and it kicks you when you are down. You are married to it and yet it sneaks up and jumps on your back just when you think you can cope.

As for the career, your vs The Doctor, that is something that you need to deal with. Only you can be happy with what you do. Don't let others dictate how you feel about what you do or want to do.

For six years I have been Mr. Mom/Mr. Dr. B/Trophy Husband....or as others have said, 'set for life'. After wasting much of my energy on trying to convince people that this was what we had to do to get by, or that we owe more in student loans than what they had paid for their home, now I say- yep. Then let is roll of my back.
If you can't live for the right now, you will wear yourself out and that just leads to more trouble in the long run.

As for being a doctor myself, I have no interest in that.


Don't know if this is any help, or gives you any perspective...other than maybe I need to get thyself to therapy!

[Laker]

After watching my wife go through the process and now her intern year, I am not sure that I would have been happy being a doc. I guess I don't feel second fiddle to her because I have a new career as a lawyer. You just have to find something that you can tolerate doing and possibly derive some sort of personal gratification from it.

Perhaps I am unique in this thought or just young and niave, but I really don't feel inferior at all. Granted she is still in Medical school and we aren't married quite yet, but my philosophy has always been to do something you love. To me it has never mattered how much money I make or what my status is, it is that I like the work I do.

Now that being said, I have yet to go to college and get a degree of my own. I have started just have hit many finacial snags along the way.

In all honesty my future wife is having more trouble with this issue than me, she never wanted to be the bread winner. However we have worked it out, she is just afraid that I will come to resent her, because she will make the money. It seems how ever much I assure that it isn't a concern of mine, it still creeps into her thoughts every once in a while.

I don't know, just my situation, I'm probably weird.

[pstone]

Taken care of?

People that say that kind of thing are either stupid, or ignorant. Sure my wife works, and brings home the money, but I raise the kid(s). The problem with all that is it assumes family is something that just happens.

You make family, and we make ours FIRST.
She works becuase she has the greatest opportunity and earning potential and it is thus what is best for our family.

I stay home because it is what is best for our family.

My JOB is doing what is best for my family, or I should not have had one.

[Flynn]

Re: Gender roles and breadwinner

Hello,

I am a resident's wife and I'm very interested in the concept of the breadwinner and gender roles so I thought I'd post this here.

I've read/heard that many women aren't that interested in being the primary breadwinner, and are okay with their spouses doing that role. My family often says to me things like: "why are you so concerned with working/finding a career? Your husband will support you."

I think whether you have kids or not colors the responses to this question a great deal.

If you don't have kids and only one person in the marriage is working I personally don't get that.

I've NEVER heard a serious remark towards me about working or not working post training if we didn't have kids. If we didn't have kids, I'd be working outside the home, period. I don't care if DH made a million dollars a year -- I'd be working.

We DO have kids though so I DO work -- and VERY hard I might add. Am I more willing to stay home with the kids than DH? Yep. His earning power trumps mine and I LIKE staying home with my kids. I find it's a gift to be able to do this in addition to being the hardest job I've ever had.

I've NEVER known any female or male for that matter who was "willing to stay home with no kids and let said spouse take care of her/him." I'm sure they exist but I've never known them. I don't think it's common from my experience -- but that's my limited experience.

How old are these members of your family who keep telling you to "let your husband take care of you?" They sound straight out of the 50s!!!! Those ideas are so "dated!"

[reciprocity]

Yeah, right now she's still a student and I'm an attorney, so I guess I'm speaking from the other side of the equation, but my goal right now is to get my loans paid off so that I can stop being a lawyer, so that ultimately I can stay at home (although I still intend to coach rowing, that's not really so much a "career")

I can't say that I really size people up based on anything at first. Probably around the time I figure out what criteria they used to size me up, I can then apply my "is this guy a bigger douchebag than I am?" heuristic.

Bread Winner Vs. Self Esteem

The question, and many answers, appears to be based upon an age old societal standard. "The Single Income family" is virtually non-existent. There are some out there...SAHD's SAHM's and such...However, by and large, the rule of thumb is both partners work.

Now, that being said, we must look back into the not-so-distant past. Many of us were raised by parents from a generation whose philosophy was that the woman stayed home and the man worked. This stuck into our minds as children and more often than not, as adults.

The issue is a matter of self esteem. If I work and my wife stays at home (providing our financial obligations are met) this is ok. Well, the roles are no longer so defined. Women feel the burden of society as much as men. Being the bread winner is no longer a set standard but a matter of opportunity. We only need to realize that either partner can be the bread winner. Neither partner need feel inadequate.

Men are filling the roll as Domestic Engineers while the woman becomes the bread winner. Society, however, has not caught up with this shift.

There are choices that must be made by each couple at the beginning of med school and residency. Do we have children? Who will care for the home and the children? Equally important is the decision of who will work and who will not.

There are a few options:
1. Day care
2. SAHD/M
3. Live in nanny
4. Older children caring for the siblings and home.
5. Family member (Mother-in-law etc...) caring for the children and home

When my wife decided to enter the medical field we set our plans and goals according to BOTH of our desires. I work to meet our operating costs and to pay the med school tuition. After all is said and done, I plan to retire, make violins and teach scuba. This, in fact, is a pipe dream. I know all too well that retirement is not for me. However, not everyone has this same philosophy.

Make peace with your position. Enjoy your freedom if you have it. Remember, running a home is often more difficult than a fortune 500.

There is my take on things.

[reciprocity]

If I may be so bold as to ask - why is retirement not for you?

Retirement

If I may be so bold as to ask - why is retirement not for you?

There are several reasons for my inability to retire.

1. I am not one to slow down in life. From birth, I have always been full throttle. 12 hour workdays have been my style. I know! Slow down! Smell the coffee.
2. I fear that retiring will only serve to expedite my demise. So many people retire and die within a few years. I don't want that happening to me.
3. 2 years after my wife works for a practice, we have every intention on opening our own. As managing business is my forte, I will be working for her. Well, in all honesty, she will be working for me.
4. I just dont want to retire.

I hope this answers your question.

[Flynn]

Re: Retirement

If I may be so bold as to ask - why is retirement not for you?

There are several reasons for my inability to retire.

1. I am not one to slow down in life. From birth, I have always been full throttle. 12 hour workdays have been my style. I know! Slow down! Smell the coffee.
2. I fear that retiring will only serve to expedite my demise. So many people retire and die within a few years. I don't want that happening to me.
3. 2 years after my wife works for a practice, we have every intention on opening our own. As managing business is my forte, I will be working for her. Well, in all honesty, she will be working for me.
4. I just dont want to retire.

I hope this answers your question.

I have to ask: does having kids factor into this equation or are you guys happy without adding children to the mix?

My parents both retired two years ago and they have never been happier. We book their visits almost a year in advance because they are so busy with their lives. They are LOVIN retirement!!!!

Re: Retirement

[/quote]I have to ask: does having kids factor into this equation or are you guys happy without adding children to the mix?

My parents both retired two years ago and they have never been happier. We book their visits almost a year in advance because they are so busy with their lives. They are LOVIN retirement!!!! [/quote]

Children would not and do not factor into my retirement plans. My Daughter is 15 yo and not an issue at all at this point in her life. Our Puppy causes more concern at this date, however.

When it comes time to retire, I am certain we will be just as busy. However, I am holding this day off as long as possible.

[reciprocity]

Re: Retirement

If I may be so bold as to ask - why is retirement not for you?

There are several reasons for my inability to retire.

1. I am not one to slow down in life. From birth, I have always been full throttle. 12 hour workdays have been my style. I know! Slow down! Smell the coffee.
2. I fear that retiring will only serve to expedite my demise. So many people retire and die within a few years. I don't want that happening to me.
3. 2 years after my wife works for a practice, we have every intention on opening our own. As managing business is my forte, I will be working for her. Well, in all honesty, she will be working for me.
4. I just dont want to retire.

I hope this answers your question.

yeah, totally. I guess I saw making violins and teaching scuba as being viable "careers" in terms of keeping you busy and alive. My personal plan is to be a dad for a while, then get back into coaching rowing and repair boats full-time, which is essentially retiring, but hopefully will keep me busy enough to continue to draw breath.

Re: Retirement

yeah, totally. I guess I saw making violins and teaching scuba as being viable "careers" in terms of keeping you busy and alive. My personal plan is to be a dad for a while, then get back into coaching rowing and repair boats full-time, which is essentially retiring, but hopefully will keep me busy enough to continue to draw breath.

Teaching Scuba and making Violins would be dream retirement plan. Both would keep me quite busy. However, I am quite certain I will never see this happen.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: Retirement

Our Puppy causes more concern at this date, however.

Beagles will do that! My beagle is almost three and she drove me nuts until she was about 18 months.