I''m the quintessential WASP when it comes to talking about my faith in public. It just seems way too personal to put out there. Besides it has been a long and winding road to get where I am at. But since I regularly do the full monty here on every other sacred topic

My mom took me to Sunday School occasionally when I was little. I was exposed to Methodist, Roman Catholic, and Baptist traditions within my family. Basically I remember being kind of bored and going because I had to go. When I visited my grandma''s church, all the preacher''s tears and shouts of Amen kind of scared me as a child.

In junior high I went with my friend to a Christian retreat. Everyone was standing up and professing Christ as their savior. We felt peer pressure to jump on board. My own "confession" felt very fraudulent at the time, I''m now ashamed to say.

In college I attended weekly Mass with my roommates. I used to say that Catholicism had it all over the Protestants with Saturday night services. We used to go to mass before bar hopping.

(If you''re noticing a moral vacuity here, you are spot on). Nonetheless, I enjoyed the heraldry and ritual of these services. Over time, however, my personal beliefs became incongruent with the dearth of women holding leadership positions or delivering sermons within this faith. But quite honestly, I didn''t get to worked up about this issue because I wasn''t thinking about faith much thought at all in those days.

Interestingly, however, during this same time I became enamored with Latin American Literature. The Hispanic culture embraces mysticism within our everyday lives. To read these authors was to understand the interconnectivity of all humanity. This seemed to be the perfect antidote for the rule driven, legalistic view of religion which I had come to believe. At the time, I believed that a major component of faith was following a bunch of rules of how to behave. Clearly, I had a hard time managing this during my “me” years. In contrast however, many of these devout RCs had no compunction in celebrating mysticism or “bending” the rules of their faith to meet their spiritual reality. This time period began a life long interest for me in the things that we can not explain, the secrets that may or may not exist. Yes, this self-proclaimed WASP reads about personality archtyping, astrology, near death experiences, and other “fringe” areas. Maybe these are all crap. I’m quite sure that God wasn’t talking to me this morning when a crying Virgin Mary appeared in my oatmeal. Still, there are secrets and mysteries all around us that can not be explained through Science or Religious Doctrines. I want to be open to them.

Early law school comprised my Ayn Rand period. Her thoughts that man is a perfect creature to be exulted in his own right struck a chord deep within me. I felt her pain in that many religions make us feel like we could never measure up. Again, who was I to call myself Christian when I had broken most of the rules?

Later in law school I spent several months in Japan. This time was a watershed period for me on so many levels. Specific to the issue of faith however, I fell in love with the purity and peacefulness of Buddhism. The rituals of the prayer wheel, hand cleansing, and writing prayers on papers to attach to sacred trees left me feeling right with the world. Like Catholicism, Buddhism engages its adherents through its rituals. While I never claimed Buddhism as my own, I have a profound respect for it. Further, I loved that this country embraced two religions at once and let them sprawl into one another: Buddhism and Shinto. Where were the rules forbidding this that we have in America?

The faith journey quieted for a long time until I became a parent. Like in so many aspects of my life, the advent of parenthood was a division bell separating two distinct eras in my life. I honestly didn’t understand the gravity of the Christ story until I became a parent myself. Someone gave up his only son for me . As a parent, this sacrifice is unthinkable. This is the ultimate love.

I guess you could say that it took me 15 years to come back to the church in which I was raised. At first, I attended somewhat skeptically, almost seeking instances of condemnation of others, legalistic interpretations, and moral shaming. Fortunately, I have found a place where we are told to love above all else and to focus on our own inner spirit. I finally allowed myself to say, "yeah, this fits, I’m home". I try to attend and take the kids more weekends than not. I try to live the purpose rather than think about the details. Additionally, I try to incorporate my whole self in prayer in order to find the peace I felt when I was in Japan.

Perhaps this long and winding road is the reason that I don’t talk about this topic except for amongst the most devoted confidantes. After all the detours and turns in my road to faith, who am I to profess The Way? This would feel like a scam to me.

If I were to be asked what my basis is for believing in God, I would have to answer, I don’t have any scientific proof but I just know. Believe me, the rule driven American in me sought proof for so long. Slowly, I came to the conclusion that we have to be more than the sum total of groups of cells. I quite looking at the minute details and rules and drew back to see the big picture. I don’t get hung up on small inter-faith differences anymore either. My proof of higher purpose is that our ability to love is greater than our biology. Love is where God seeps into our lives and distinguishes us from mere biological processes.

On a more pragmatic level, I have to think that life must end with more than a ride in a hearse, no?'