Feelings of Inadequacy

Why did I not believe that motherhood was wrought with feelings of inadeqacy? A quick read through the threads in the parenting forum lets me know it's normal and that everyone has it....but why did I somehow think I would escape it?? Daegan hasn't gained any weight this week so far. He's been home almost one week. I'm trying. But I really don't feel like I'm doing it right. The first two days I was really good about waking him up every 3 hours so he would eat...and making sure he ate the same that he was eating in the hospital. Then the lactation consultant came. We were working out a plan to move him to breast feeds instead of bottle feeds. He seems to do well at the breast and then when I offer the bottle he doesn't want it. So I was moving towards more breast feeds and less bottle feeds. He was getting hungry every couple of hours so I stopped scheduling his feeds and started going by his schedule. But I'm not good at night. I hear him stir and I give him a pacifier...it doesn't work, he's probably hungry, I bring him in our bed and he falls asleep with me...but I fall asleep too and he doesn't eat! So I set an alarm for me and I guess I can turn it off in my sleep. Finally I get up the second time he cries and get him a bottle and he fell asleep after only an ounce (should be eating 2-3 every 3 hours)...I fell asleep waiting to see if he was going to wake up again. Only to wake up to him stiring 3 hours later! Poor kid. And the lactation consultant has me pumping "only for comfort" and I feel like my milk has dried up. Maybe it hasn't but I used to make sooo much, and was leaking etc....now I feel like they aren't full anymore. Maybe my supply is just matching Daegan's needs....or maybe there isn't any and when he's nursing at the breast he's not getting any. I listen to hear him swallow...I think I am hearing it. He falls alseep. I figured he was done. I thought he was doing well. I guess I should be glad he isn't losing weight...but the lactation consultant said he should gain 4-7 ounces a week...and that preemies should be on the higher end. He's wetting and dirting lots of diapers each day...shouldn't that change if he's not getting enough to eat?

Well now I'm sticking to a schedule...he's only getting bottles so I can make sure he's getting enough and I'm writing down how much he eats, when and the diaper business. I feel like we're back in the NICU. But he was doing well there....now he's with me who can't seem to wake up to feed my kid. I nap during the day...Russ helps with everything...but at night I seriously have trouble getting out of bed. I tried letting him nurse in the bed...he latches and nurses, but I guess it's not enough.

The NICU wanted me to fortify his bottle with formula. I REALLY don't want to. I promised all through my pregnancy I wouldn't give him formula...I would do everything I could to make sure I had enough milk and that he could nurse...now I feel like I'm failing. I didn't have any supply issues when I was pumping...I could've fed the whole NICU....but now that I'm not pumping as much anymore, I feel like I'm all dried up...I'm probably not, but still...

He's 2 months old and he's been home less than a week...and I wanted nothing more than for him to be home and now I feel like I can't do anything right!

He doesn't like to lie in his bed. I don't know if it's not warm enough...or if I have 'spoiled' him and he just prefers to lay with/on me...but he sleeps just fine in his carrier. I wonder if he doesn't like laying flat...I'm going to ask the doc...they were treating him for reflux in the NICU, but stopped....but maybe he really does have it...just a more mild case??? Maybe I really just have 'spoiled' him.....I don't mind him always sleeping on/with me...I just don't want "them" to take him away from me because he's not gaining weight and he won't sleep alone in his bed.