#5
10-21-2006, 03:23 PM

mommax3
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Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: central Indiana
Posts: 4,706
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Remember a couple of posts back when I was posting about DH having an upcoming weekend off? I was really looking forward to it. Here is what really happened, now that my bitterness has subsided enough to write about it.

When DH has a weekend off, he also has Friday off as well, so every other week he has a three day weekend. Supposedly. So last Friday, I had to work in the morning, and it so happened that DS#2 had a field trip at school, and DH decided to chaperone. I worked and then DH called me around 1:30 (I was still at school, getting ready for my concert) when the field trip was over. He was going to try and get his hair cut, and then would meet me at home before it was time to pick up the boys from school. So I headed for home.

I had been home about 10 minutes when the phone rang. It was DH's partner, and his voice was shaking. He asked where DH was, and I told him I thought he was getting a haircut. I asked him what was going on, and he said "I've got a dead baby." He sounded like he was going to cry. I said I would page DH 911, and did. DH was done with the haircut, so he went in to the office. The baby was delivered with no pulse due to a cord around the neck. The external monitor at some point had begun picking up the mom's pulse instead of the baby's, so no one in the room had any idea the baby was in trouble, and no one was expecting (obviously) a dead baby. DH has had an experience like this one time (slightly different circumstances) and tried to draw on that to help his partner. They coded the baby for 45 minutes, but they weren't ever able to get her back. The nurses were a mess, DH's partner was a mess, and of COURSE the parents were a mess. DH felt as though he needed to volunteer to cover call for the evening, which I agreed was the right thing to do, and his offer was accepted gratefully.

BUT I WAS SO MAD! I ended up paying a sitter (I wasn't going to renege on her just because DH did on me) for three hours while I walked around Target. If that had been my plan for the evening, that would have been fine, but I had really, really been looking forward to a nice evening with DH and some actual adult conversation. I didn't think DH was wrong to help his partner out, but I just was so disappointed that I couldn't see straight. It ended up being a pretty busy call, too, so although his partner took call starting Sat. at 7 a.m., DH was so tired that Saturday was shot as well, and Sunday was busy with church, etc.

The whole thing brought up all of the feelings that DH had 5.5 years ago when he had a horrible outcome. That case resulted in litigation (and this one may, also) and we have been dealing with it ever since. I am really tired of the emotional toll it has taken on DH, and I am angry about the attention that has been subtracted from our marriage and the kids because of his preoccupation with it. But I can't really blame him, you know? I finally said, in the midst of the thousandth conversation about what this does to him as a physician, that I was tired of our family having to pay the price for the things that happen in others' lives. I felt like such a bitch! But I really don't think we can afford another extended period of depression, second-guessing, and rumination. Being so shocked about a baby dying at delivery is a luxury of our age, and although I am happy for the medical advances that have allowed this to be so, I also think that it causes both families and physicians to have expectations that are not realistic.

DH, after he got over his shock, actually agreed with me, and has managed to maintain his emotional equilibrium as he helps his partner work through this horrible, horrible thing. They both went to the baby's funeral this week, along with their office nurses and the two L&D nurses that were involved. I think they all managed to find a sense of closure.

I have kept the family in my prayers and have found myself thinking about it quite a bit. There are some things about being a physician that there is just not enough $$$$ in the world to compensate for.

DH is on call this weekend, and leaves on a hunting trip with his Dad (a yearly event) next weekend. He will be on call the weekend after that.....so hopefully, I will get a date with my husband the weekend of my birthday, if I am lucky. It feels so shallow be concerned about time with him when he is off being a "dawkter", but in order for our marriage to remain strong, I feel like I have to fight for us, sometimes, or risk becoming very bitter.
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Wife of an OB/Gyn, mom to three boys, middle school choir teacher.

"I don't know when Dad will be home."