Soooo, I kicked the kids and husband out of the house so that the baby can take a decent nap... And I can maybe write a little bit.

First, let me start with true confessions of a really bad parenting day... Kate turned 13 on Thursday. She left for the bus stop at around 7 am, at which point I was upstairs nursing the baby (as usual) and so I didn't see her off to school. I never really do, but she's really independent in the morning and has only missed the bus once. She rarely packs a lunch, but she eats some cereal... Anyway, so off to school she went, had a normal day, then stayed after for the school musical which she's gotten herself involved with. She called me on the "activity bus" on her way home from the musical because her busdriver was lost and actually asked the kids for directions. I don't know where they find these people. Anyway, she called at a stressful time, as usual, and I just said, "let your idiot busdriver call dispatch and work it out... and don't call me back until you are almost at your stop so I can go pick you up." And DH, who was arriving home, pitched in "Just make her walk home!" (Over 1 mile...) So, finally I picked her up, and noticed, again, that she didn't have her winter jacket. The one that I've been asking her about for a month or more. The one that she told me she "forgot" in her locker at school. Well, I got her to confess that she lost it, and she doesn't even know how long ago. So she's been walking to the bus stop in the morning in the freezing cold wearing a "hoodie"... She started crying, "I'd wear the jacket if I had it... I don't even care that it's uggggleeeeeeeeeeee..." Great...

I was really frustrated with her, life, everything, and so I demanded $50 to buy a new jacket that I would give to Isabel because Kate's jacket would have been a nice hand-me-down... And I told her that she (Kate) wouldn't even get to wear the jacket!

:huh: Where do I come up with this stuff...

Then she became hysterical, told me how she'd "worked so hard" to "finally have $100" and now I'm just going to take it from her. She was hysterical, slamming doors, etc., etc. She's been really emotional lately, anyway, even without having to deal with me being off my game... Her constant state of "almost" being in tears has taken a toll on us all- we feel like we need to be very gentle with her, because something's wrong but we don't know what. If we ask her why she's almost crying she says "I don't know" and starts crying... :huh:

Anyway... I know there's no defense to my nurturing motherly attitude, but I just reached my boiling point with Kate and her lost jackets. Every year since 3rd grade she's lost 2 or more jackets, whether it's at recess, or on the bus, or some unknown location... So maybe a more logical, rational response would have been to take her to goodwill for the next jacket... But there was no room for logic in that emotional mess...

At dinner she was still emotional, and started sassing and crying and it was clear that she was exhausted and perhaps a little sick, so we told her she wasn't going to get to go on the internet that night and that she needed to go to bed early. As she stormed out of the kitchen, I yelled after her "But you still have to do the dishes!"

:huh:

I seriously don't even know what happened to me that day. I blew it from start to finish! I could've handled every situation of that day differently... In my mommy guilt, I bought her a new jacket on line for her birthday. :huh: (Clearly, she needs a jacket... with a tracking device in it.)

I just feel terrible for the whole day. We haven't celebrated her birthday yet, and we didn't celebrate it that day, but at least I should have made it somewhat special, at least with a card or something. I suppose there's always next year, but what a lost opportunity.

I hated my birthday as a kid because it was never a special day. My actual birthDAY was just another day where my dad was working, my mom was complaining about my dad working, and any thought of celebrating me was pushed aside to a convenient time for the adults. I hate confronting the reality that I am treating my own daughter's birthday with the same... contempt.

So, that was a bad day. The days since have been a bit better, but I still am shocked by myself.

Recovering from this "vacation" (hahahahaha) hasn't been easy, but slowly we'll get there!