Kate's teachers never updated her work on line, so she didn't appear to have any "E's" for incomplete work, etc., and so as per our agreement (by default), she was un-grounded this weekend. To celebrate, she went to her friend's birthday party and spent all day yesterday on the telephone. The person she talked with most of the time is her X-boyfriend, a boy whom Mac and I really don't approve of... He is a bad influence, without a doubt, and we can just see the future for him. Of course I *hope* he turns it around, but his is a tragic case.

First of all, from what Kate says he is really not liked at school, at all. He's the class clown to an extreme-- so much so that his classmates get sick of his antics. He doesn't really have any concept of boundaries between acceptable and not-- he is failing almost all classes, he brought a cigarette to school, and he admits to smoking pot-- but *just one time* and *he won't do it again*... He's only 14, and I shudder to think what he'll be like in 2 years...

Nonetheless, Kate collects underdogs. She has a real heart for the down-and-out. She has been this way since she was a preschooler. Time and time again, she befriends the person who is shunned, and eventually that person regains in social stature until he or she is reasonably popular. At this point, with NO exceptions, the person shuns Kate. That's the cycle, and I don't know why. It doesn't really hurt Kate, though. She just moves on to her next *project*.

Usually I admire this aspect of her. But with this boy, I am conflicted. What parent wants their kid to befriend someone who is so self-destructive? This boy could drag her down with him... Now that we've entered the stage of drugs, sex, and rock and roll, the stakes are too high...

But I can't exactly BAN her from this relationship, not without a serious risk of outright rebellion. And so I just talk, and talk, and talk with her about the people she chooses to have in her life and how much influence she should allow them to have. I encourage her to look towards the future- 10 years down the line. I ask her if she can actually see this boy graduating from high school (she can't), if she can see him strung out on drugs all the time in 3 years (she can), and if that's something she wants to be around ("but he's so funny!")...

Anyway, it's not a huge issue with this boy in particular. He's going on to 9th grade (we hope, if summer school is successful), and she won't be in school with him again. There is no chance they'll be in the same high school. The challenge for me is having her take a longer-term look at the types of relationships she gets involved in...

But dealing with this boy is not that simple, either. His life is so tragic, it literally makes me want to cry. His mother left him at 2 years old. His father couldn't deal with the abandonment, and so he painted the boy's room yellow- the mother's favorite color- and held out hope *even today* that she'll return someday and be happy that her baby's room is painted her favorite color. The father appears to be a total loser- he sleeps during the day, and is probably a drunk or an addict or something. He doesn't know, or doesnt' care, that the boy is taking cigarettes from him... He doesn't even pay attention to his son, at all. The silver lining is that this boy has a stable best friend with a somewhat stable family. He spends all his time with this other family, practically. They are, in effect, his family.

He has never had counselling, and vehemently claims he *hates* his mother but he *doesn't want to see her ever*. He spends so much emotional energy on his mother. It is just so tragic. And of course, he blames himself for her leaving. I've told Kate that a mother doesn't leave her 2 year old unless SHE has some horrible mental illness or some drug addiction. What a monster.

And so you see, it's not simple... My heart aches for this kid, but I don't want my daughter to risk her life in the act of trying to save him...

Parenting... Is so complicated. Why can't everyone just have a decent family? Just decent...