Too much everything. I'm stressed. I lost my voice which happens when I've been under a lot of stress. DH has been gone for so long, and I'm exhausted by having to juggle so many balls by myself, but... I'm also worried about him coming home. I'm worried because I know the transition will be tough. It always is. He has "his way" of doing things and they are not "my way". I just always resent that he waltzes back onto the scene and tries to take control.

I have been known to say: "This is NOT your OR hon and I am NOT your scrub nurse. I am your ATTENDING and you get yourself in line."

Anyway... fun times.

He's missing us a lot. The kids miss him a lot. Isabel had a dream that he died in a war last night. He's a doc for the military, so it's doubtful that he'll ever see the fighting first hand, and he isn't deployed of course, but she's still thinking about it apparently on some level. She woke up crying...

I miss him, but like I said, I'm apprehensive. We are surviving, and it's easier in some ways when I know that my word is it. There is no other adult gumming up the system, expressing an opinion. Yes, I'm a control freak. Of course I am. But if I weren't, how could I possibly manage 5 kids with a husband who's gone so much! He's never been physically gone from us this long, but... well, a resident isn't exactly the most "present" of spouses...

So now my parents are visiting. They are doing a little side trip to my Grandma's in Albany right now for a few days. They will be back soon to take over Kate's bedroom and resume fighting over the bathroom lol. It's good to see them, but... even good things add stress... Any little change sets the kids into high gear.

Anyway, I've been feeling down lately, and I've been very negative in my thoughts, and I've been trying to stay away from iMSN lest my negativity take over....

This is a big source of negativity: My family. Below is my family vent!

I have another blog. It's on my signature. My family doesn't ever check it because they suck. Even though I set it up so that I could theoretically be "connected" to them since we live 3000 miles away, not one of them has checked it. Whatever. It's still good to do, I think. It's a journal of sorts for me and the kids. But it would be nice if any one of my 3 siblings ever looked at it, or my mom. My dad spends about 3 hours a week on ebay. He could look at it. Whatever. I'm trying to store away these nuggets to not pull this crap on my own kids...

My sister is totally absorbed in her work- she is working 7 days a week. After all her bitterness from my dad's overworking when we were kids. It's quite sad. I just feel like I have responsibilities to always GO to my family, to stay connected. Literally I don't hear from them unless I initiate or unless my parents are visiting me. My sister guilted me in a tiny email that she sent me- a response to one I sent her. And she slipped in there that her daughter had "A really hard time" after we left this summer. Hello! We were there 3 weeks, they NEVER come visit us, I have accrued about 10K in credit card debt for the flights I've taken out to visit all of them. Sigh. Why is it my fault she had a really hard time? What am I supposed to do about it? Never visit!? To prevent the "hard time"? I think she has a hard time because her mom works about 100 hours a week...

My sister wanted our family to do a "family cruise". So I booked it all, I set it up, DH is using his ONLY week of "fun" vacation to go on the cruise, (the other week he gets is over Christmas, and the last we have to use for househunting), and now... Sister's husband doesn't want to go. WTF. I don't know what's going on there. DH doesn't want to go because he'll get seasick, it's pretty expensive for 7 people, and he'd rather just take the kids to Disney for that price. My parents are as always ambivalent. I don't really want to go because I think I'll be with Josie all the time. I can't imagine her wanting to go in childcare, but maybe she will. I don't know. It's just so much effort. BUT of course my sister still wants to go, she just wants to pay less. And so I guess I'm supposed to adjust the whole reservation. I don't know. Frustrating.

Anyway, that's what's been going on with me. Stress stress stress on all fronts.