As I vent.

Let me preface by saying that I truly do love and admire my husband. I missed him horribly while he was gone. He is my best friend, my other half... But....

Wow.

Did he ever step on a landmine without even knowing it. He hit a nerve of mine that is so raw. I need to get it out there, and this is probably the safest place to do so...

I think he is feeling "overwhelmed" by "all the driving" that I've asked him to do. LOL. Whatever dude. I've thrown him a few tasks here and there, trying to ease him back into the reality of life with 5 kids, who have 2 extra curriculars after school every day, plus weekends chock full of commitments. He's been living in fantasy land of nothing but his work schedule and trying to "fit in" time to go grocery shopping between trips to the gym. Poor guy. Barf.

Yesterday we had a particularly tight schedule. Knowing that DH was going to be home, I decided to schedule my conferences for the afternoon so that he could "babysit". He ended up having to drive Steven to a special swim practice. Kate would still be home in time to babysit. She was my backup plan. Well, she missed the bus. Her bus left early from a different spot than normal, and she and 5 others could not find it. The bus drove past her and the others as they waved frantically for it to stop, but being the true prick of a busdriver that they mostly are out here, the driver smirked and left them there....

So I was the mom who showed up 5 minutes late, pissing off everyone by being LATE (breaking rule #1) then pissing of everyone more by bringing 2 kids (breaking rule #2) one of whom had PINK EYE (breaking all the rest of the rules in the book... All parents live in mortal fear of Pink Eye.) I had to wake up Josie from her nap to get her there, and DH never cleaned her face after feeding her who knows what for lunch (I was at the gym- YAY me), so Josie had a crusty nose and red stuff all over her face, and Luke had this horrid looking eye... The teachers were gracious, but I could just hear the Other Moms *tsk tsk, maybe she shouldn't have that many kids, since she clearly can't take care of them...*. Did I mention that Izzy was left at home sleeping? She's taking Tylenol 3 for the pain due to her broken clavicle... Nice. DH was supposed to be home within 5 minutes, so I wasn't too worried about her being home for that short time, but imagine what I would have looked like dragging in my drugged up 9 year old in a sling too! LOL...

Anyway, so I was pretty pissed that of all the days, DD missed the bus then. And that DH, when I told him that she'd missed the bus, didn't seem to grasp the magnitude of this situation! I dealt with it as I do with everything. I just get it done, even though it isn't pretty...

Later on in the day, DH kept moaning and groaning about his "sore throat". He obviously had a low grade fever, but buck up buttercup! Seriously, he's gone to work while he had a temp of 101 and a positive test for the Flu, so if the job is REALLY important he can dig deep and push through the pain. But apparently that level of fortitude is just for Really Important Stuff... Bitch and moan, bitch and moan...

Everyone went to bed early last night, so DH took that opportunity to go work out. Yes, with his lo grade fever and his sore throat. Whatever, genius... I told him he should get extra sleep, but... What do I know?

This morning DH "got up early" (LOL- 6 am) and "did all these chores" (the ones he said he'd do last night but didn't because he went to the gym and unlike last week when I did them for him I just let the dishes sit there...). Then he sulked all morning as I:

1) Fished Luke's soaking wet underwear and pj pants out of the hamper from where he stashed them after peeing the bed, which he only did 2 times while DH was gone, but has done 3 times since DH has been back... I wonder if DH is letting Luke drink copious amounts of water before bed? I have my suspicions....
2) Got everyone their cereal, packed lunches, made the coffee, refilled cereal, reminded them to brush teeth, helped Izzy get her hair done (she's one-armed now!), checked that they had their homework in their backpacks, and got them all off to school.
3) Came home, cleared stuff away for the electrician, and ran 2 loads of laundry...

Meanwhile, as I stopped to eat breakfast, DH was opening up a package that came for him while he was away. It had a book in it, where he is published as one of the authors. Yes, I'm proud of his achievements. Yes, I think it's great that he's being published in various outlets. I get that. But... What do I have to show for anything? I used to be so capable, so smart... Now I feel like I'm a social secretary, personal assistant... Barely hanging on.

And so I tell him, "you know, I could have been something. I could have had a job where I would be published, where I would be recognized for hard work."

And he says, while looking at his iphone, "You know, a lot of people would KILL for the opportunity to stay home."

I was floored. Just... floored. He KNOWS this is a struggle for me. This was a window into his mind, his subconscious. He was distracted, he wasn't thinking, and is this true? Does he think this? Apparently so.

I do feel fortunate to be able to stay with the kids. I do feel like I do the best job for them- better than anyone else could do. But the fact of the matter is that being a stay at home mom is a thankless job. I know he doesn't get how difficult it is. How mind-numbing. How disappointing at times. How wonderful for little moments, too. He won't get it ever.

I told him, *If the most awesome ENT of the world died today, the #1 ENT gone, it wouldn't change the world of ENT at all. #2 is pretty damn impressive. #2 would step in and all would be fine in the world of ENTs. You DAWKTERS think you are SO DAMN important. So DAMN irreplaceable.