December 7, 2004

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try and write at least once a week, and yet several weeks have gone by since I updated this. Since my last blog, we had an accident with the van, Thanksgiving has come and gone and now Christmas is well on its way. Time just has gotten away from me. Andrew has his tenth birthday on Saturday and I never managed to get a birthday party organized. We are having to do it one week late because I've just dropped the ball.

I feel overwhelmed in many areas of my life right now. My house, quite frankly, looks like a teen-agers bedroom...the entire house though, not just a room. I feel like no sooner have I cleaned something up that it is a mess again. Take yesterday for example. I cleaned the house for nearly two hours. I even cleaned the playroom. By yesterday afternoon, the playroom had that "definitely played in" look, and the baby had thrown dogfood all over the floor. I swept it up only to have Alex (age 5) come in with his sword and sweep the dogfood all over the family room, office, hall and down the stairs to the playroom. The bathroom that I had cleaned had toilet paper strewn all over the floor.To top it off, my daughter knocked over the protable heater that we had in the playroom. The hot oil leaked out onto the carpet and smoke billowed up the stairs. We just had that carpet put in last year and it is ruined. The oil and heating unit burned a huge hole in the carpet and the oil ran underneath the carpet throughout the room. When you walk across the carpet it seeps up onto your socks. It was an accident and I'm grateful that no one was hurt...but we'l have to replace the carpet again.

I just sat on the sofa and cried. I feel like I waste my life cleaning up other people's messes...and I've gotten really bad about it. I don't feel motivated to clean my kitchen 3 times a day and constantly be picking up after everyone. The kids are getting better about cleaning some things up, but there is just so much to do around here! I actually think afterschool care for the kids would be a good thing right now. At least my house would stay clean.

But I think on top of this is a general frustration and disappointment that I have with the current direction of my life. I love my children and I would even love a bigger family...and yet at the same time I feel lonely, isolated and resentful at home. Does that even make sense? Is it possible to feel so torn in two different directions? I find myself now looking back on my decision to defer (indefinitely) medical school with regret. At the same time, I understand that for our family this is no longer a realistic option for me. I spend a lot of time each day mulling over my professional options....but because of where we live these options are severely limited. There is not a PhD granting institution nearby. I woud have to drive 1.5 hours (at least) each way in order to get a PhD or PsyD in psychology or science. I have so much time on my hands to think (while I am folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen floor, picking up the playroom) that what I want to 'with the rest of my life' also changes daily.

I always saw myself in a 'helping profession'. My choice to get a graduate degree in science baffled some of my friends and even me. I decided to take a class a semester when Thomas was doing residency and the kids were little because I needed an outlet for myself. We had no family around and I was struggling. I took an ugrad Cell Bio class just for fun and was on the edge of my seat the entire semester. Before I knew it, I was finishing up a post-bacc and applying to an MS program.

Perhaps my professional unhappiness now stems from the fact that I am working in a University setting where my skills are underappreciated and underused. I work basically as a glorified TA now. There are no research opportunities available for me (nor do I really have the time right now to commit to a research project) and I feel stagnant. Worse though is that I'm realizing "this is it". The likelihood that we will move is zero. The salary and benefits package that my husband enjoys here is unparalleled. My husband is also quick to point out that now I don't even know what I want anymore.

Is it possible to be a mother, to love your children with all your heart and want to give them the world and also have professional fulfillment for oneself? I don't know the answerto that. I used to think that in order to be a good mom you had to be home with your children 24/7. I actually believed "why have children if you are't going to stay home and raise them yourself". I felt incredible guilt at doing anything for myself. Now my attitude is much different. Our neighbor works full-time and her daughter goes to 'kidstop'(after school care) every day after school. She play with friends, does craft projects, does homework and watches fun movies. The child loves it and isn't suffering. My children come home from school and have mom who gets upset about the mess, doesn't have a daily craft prepared (though we have occasional crafts) and they don't have friends in the neighborhood to play with. Am I the one giving my kids the short end of the stick by staying home? That is very thought-provoking to me.

I work Monday and Friday mornings and my 1 year old goes to an inhome daycare provider for 3 hours on those days...and he LOVES it. There are lots of toys, other children to play with that are his age...he has a great time. Why did I spend so much of my children's early years feeling guilty about taking time for myself and believing that taking a class or working part-time made me a bad parent?

It is hard for me to see my husband really at the pinnacle now of his career and to realize that I have missed the train. I am, of course, immensely proud of him and am happy for his success and the accomplishments he has made. I also envy his independence and his income. If something happened to him, I would not be able to support my children. I know that I am dependent on him and at times that really bothers me. I wish that I, too, had some financial independence. I'm going Christmas shopping today for a gift for him. He had to give me the money to buy his gift. I know that it is the family's money and he tells me that his money is my money and that he values my contribution to the family. Some days though that message is lost on me.