This probably seems out-of-place in a 'dawkter's wife' diary...but I've really been grappling with career issues lately.

I had a double major in ugrad in psych and german. I didn't actually know what I wanted to do with the 'rest of my life' until late in my junior year when I finally got around to taking my freshman required science courses. I was absolutely hooked. I began making connections between things that I had learned in my psychology classes and the biological foundations of behavior and felt certain that I wanted to pursue a career in Psychiatry while doing basic biological science research.

I had already applied and been accepted to a foreign exchange year in Germany and so I put my newly budding medical school aspirations on hold to pursue what I thought would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study in germany (and would look great on a med school app [Big Grin] ).

Little did I know that during the course of that year I would fall head over heels in love... and that I would eventually leave europe to return to the US several years later with a husband and two children. In that time I had taken more biology and chemistry classes, had applied to medical school and been accepted...and had turned down the opportunity thinking "there will be time for me later".

I had met my husband during his medical school rotations and we were married during his first 18 months of residency in germany. Then we had moved on to N. Ireland for another year of residency (more good stuff for a med school application) and finally, he had started over again as an IM resident in the US. We completed three years of IM and then moved again for him to complete 2 more years of ID fellowship.

When we finally settled in after fellowship, I realized that he was living my dream...and he wasn't very happy doing it. The cost to our marriage had been high and our children didn't even know him. Our youngest child at the time (baby #3) would walk around the house saying "papa working, papa working" and none of the kids would believe me if I told them that Papa was upstairs or in his office or in the kitchen....

I began to realize that someday for me just...might not come...and I felt panicked and trapped by a life that I had basically made for myself. I had always thought that it would be possible to combine family with a challenging career like medicine...and for some families, it is. The realization though that my husband's fellowship (and the Molecular Biology MS program I had finished) had taken such a heavy toll on us was hard for me to swallow.

Could I put my children through the rigors of medical training again? Was it selfish for me to pursue my dreams or did I have to sacrifice my happiness for the overall well-being of my family? Would my children suffer if I returned to school? Could my marriage survive another hit like q3 call or studying for the USMLE exams?

Quite honestly, I felt miserable. I would sit at the computer late into the night calculating my gpa if I took 'class x, y, or z', doing sample mcat questions, researching 'family friendly' medical schools or distance learning options. I drove myself crazy...and my husband too. There was only one career that I could see myself in...and that was medicine. I imagined that if I didn't 'go for it' that I would be a cranky, bitter old lady who felt unfulfilled and angry at the world. Even worse was my envy that my husband was living my dream every day.

I got a job teaching biology labs part-time with the idea of keeping my feet in the science field and again...having something to put in that med school application. Much to my surprise though, I found teaching to be really rewarding. I improved every semester and discovered that it was possible for me to see a 'back-up' plan for myself just in case med school didn't work out. Still, I was on the 10 year plan to med school.

I let myself have a small glimpse of life other than medicine by promising myself that I ...wasn't going to get away from my med school plans...I was just going to explore more of myself....there was no risk involved. Med school was still a certainty.

I got involved in teaching german to children through a german Saturday school program. I began being able to see myself as an immersion german teacher. I started a big writing project that I have almost finished, learned how to sew and organized all of our pictures into scrapbooks.

Slowly, I began to realize that I could still be an intelligent, capable woman even if I didn't end up choosing medicine or science anymore. I could follow alternative paths in my life that would allow me to more ideally combine family and career without sacrificing my own happiness. I began to take more time for my husband, myself and my children....and for the first time in years I really began to relax. It became ok to actually NOT choose medical school anymore. In a way, it was a relief to open the door to other opportunities for myself.

Which leads me to where I am right now.....I have decided to stay at home right now.

We have 4 wonderful children and my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. I'm not willing to give that up ...and I feel at peace with that decision right now.


For me, at this point in my life, it is all about enjoying the here and now. I realize that I will continue to evolve over the next few years as I make my decisions about where I want to end up, but I want to focus more on the journey and less on the destination right now.