Being a pre-med isn't just a mindset...it's a lifestyle. Since finally admitting to myself and to everyone around me that I am no longer on the med school track I have begun to discover how ingrained this way of life is in me.

A friend of mine is taking organic chemistry this summer and my first impulse was to sign up for a science class myself. My pre-reqs are almost all too old and I thought "I should take it too"...and began leafing through the catalog and trying to decide whether or not to retake the old class or try and take an upper-level class. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have to do it anymore...which...made me sad in a way.

Later in the week, I was browsing some of the graduate marine science courses offered via distance learning at Nova and my first thought wasn't whether or not the course would be interesting to me....it was how it would be perceived by an ADCOM because of it's 1. distance learning nature and 2. because grad classes are seen as being 'easy A's'. I didn't even catch myself on that one until I had decided not to take something. It occurred to me about an hour later that I could take the classes just for me...just for fun.

I think I became obsessed over the years with constructing a life that eventually (even though I wasn't studying full-time or working full-time) would 'look good' on a medical school application. I have been teaching biology labs at our state University part-time, have been writing bio questions for ETS, have been volunteering as a german teacher through our state's german language organization, and have been taking classes on the side. In addition, I have been doing writing. I feel like I always have to keep doing, doing, doing to prove my ability and my worth.

I'm grappling lately to come to terms with the fact that I really, for the most part, feel ok with not going to medical school now. Thatis the hardest part of this, actually. There is a huge societal image that goes along with being an MD....Doctors are smart, compassionate people who 'save lives' as a 'calling...and sahm's are 'too stupid to do anything else' or 'not ambitious' or have 'wasted their potential as women'.

Yet most of the sahm's that I know are very bright women who have all different levels of education but agonize over the choices that they have after their children come along. It's one thing to work 80 hours a week when you don't have a baby...but not everyone wants to do that. Instead of respecting that, women who choose to jump off of the treadmill are viewed as weak, or unwilling to sacrifice. Somehow, we've gotten away from the idea that 'women have the choice to be anything that they want including a doctor' to 'any woman who isn't a high-powered careerwoman is failing all women'. Being 'just' a mom isn't ok anymore. It is perceived as being menial labor that can be accomplished by any teen-ager who has taken a red cross babysitters course.

I understand now why women who end up choosing family over career end up kind of isolating themselves from the 'career mom'. The choice to stay at home isn't an easy one for most women, but they do it out of necessity, or because they want to experience these years to the fullest. Instead of having this choice respected, they are looked down on by those women who have chosen to try and 'have it all'.

I honestly don't believe you can have it all at once. I know the difference between being a full-time working/studying parent and being a sahm parent...and for me, anyway, there was a qualitative difference. At the same time, over the years I made the choice to work and/or return to school more than once simply because I couldn't stand the monotonous, at times too boring for words life of being a sahm. I had those days where I cried when I walked into every room in the house because I felt like my brain was turning to mush and I was so bored and feeling so unfulfilled.

I won't pretend that I was the same mom that I am now though when I was in school full-time. I was busy and pre-occupied with what I had to get done. I wasn't a bad mom, but at the same time, even when I was reading to the kids in the back of my mind I was trying to mentally go through the organic chemistry of nitrogen mustards or planning what I needed to do that evening when I went in to work on my research.

Now I am more patient and know much more about the day-to-day happenings in the lives of my children. That doesn't mean that I don't have times where I feel absolutely lonely, bored and resentful....but I handle it differently now because I have given myself permission to be at this point in my life. It's ok to be at home for awhile..It's ok to embrace this life with the negatives too. I'm reaching out more to other sahm's for the first time and am trying to put the same effort into parenting that I have been putting into pre-meding over the years.

Let me just add...I'm not quite there yet though.