I have really been at peace since leaving my job teaching biology labs at our local U this summer.....I don't miss the politics, the issues with the students or doing all of the prep work....though I do miss the interactions with my peers and the intellectual challenge of teaching. I have regretted walking away from the job though because of the fear that I won't ever be able to get my foot in the door again.


Two days ago, I found the keys to the University that I was supposed to have turned in already. I was unpacking a box and there they were....I put them aside to take back in recognizing that this final gesture could be sort of therapeutic for me...I should accept that this is the life that I chose.

The next morning, the phone rang. It was a prof from the U asking me to teacher her class in the Spring...she most likely will not be returning to teach the class either (a non-majors Human Biology) class AND it is unlikely that they will be looking for another PhD to take on a non-majors course...if I say yes...this could be the break I've been waiting for.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up...I set down my coffee and listened....."180 students, lab class, my own T.A's"....it really would be fabulous. I told her I'd think about it and then I called my husband. He was jubilant...."I just KNEW something would come your way..of course you'll take it", he exclaimed.

That's what I'd thought too. What could possibly stand in my way of taking this job? Hmmmm...being...pregnant...giving birth just weeks after the semester ended? The stress of putting together a new class, learning new labs and teaching them AND managing TA's...and...being very pregnant.... It sounds pretty exhausting and as it is, if I'm not in bed every night by 9pm I'm worthless the next day.

Could I handle it for those 4 months? Yes....I think I can...I could start preparing for lectures and lab now...and the semester doesn't start until Jan 15. I worked with this last pregnancy right up until 2 days before I had the baby...providing I have a safe/healthy pregnancy, I should be fine...

But what about the Fall. The whole point of me accepting this teaching 'gig' for the Spring is that it would hopefully lead to a regular position at the U teaching this class...which would provide my children with free classes at MN universities when they are older, etc...and breaking in can be soooo hard to do. Can I go back to teaching a still new class when the baby is 3 1/2 months old? Can I handle getting 3 children off to school, 1 off to preschool, and the other off to a daycare setting on the mornings that I have to go in and teach? Can I be separated from the baby? Can I manage the stress?

I'm so full of self-doubt. I remember how stressed out I was teaching before...and 180 students...is a huge class. I've never taught a class larger than....29 I'd need Depends for Adults to get through the first few classes.

This morning, I had my first OB appt. I was measuring large for my dates, so she sent me in for an u/s to confirm. There was this little jumping bean on the screen. The ultrasound tech even needed an extra several minutes to measure the heart rate because the baby just kept jumping and twisting and moving...2 legs, 2 arms...a normal looking head and body....and then it turned towards me and put it's hand over it's face like it was playing peek-a-boo.

I was just amazed at how at 13 weeks/3 days this little clump of cells could have turned into this seemingly perfect little human being kicking and moving and bouncing about....

At that moment, I understood that I really do have some decisions that I'll need to make.