Last night, I was worrying about whether or not I should accept the job for the Spring Semester...today...I am worrying about whether or not this might be my last Christmas with my 4 beautiful children...whether I will lose this 5th baby...how fast life can throw us a curveball.

I was diagnosed with 'asthma' 4 months ago but it just didn't seem to get better with the inhaler. I started having pain in my chest the other night and heard a frightening popping sound. I had an x-ray yesterday...today...the frightening diagnosis of Lymphoma.

I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant...and tomorrow I go in for the MRI and visit to the oncologist...

To say that I'm terrified is an understatement. My physician called me this morning at home to tell me that there was something wrong...and my dh called me at home to tell me that we "need to find a babysitter for our 2 year old" because he says I won't be alive next year. In the 3 months since my completely normal chest x-ray, I now have a huge mass of lymph notes above my heart....my husband says that it appears to be highly aggressive and it was the largest that he had seen in a long time.

My internist called tonight and told me that I wasn't going to die...that lymphoma (if that is what it definitely is) is curable...and my ob/gyn actually came to the house ...comforting and terrifying at the same time .... I may have to terminate the pregnancy and lose this precious baby...I may lose the baby to chemotherapy anyway...but I can't stand the idea of not seeing my children grow up.

I am sad...I am afraid...and I feel so lonely tonight even though the phone has been ringing off the hook.

If I survive this, I will never look to have a career...I will never look to do anything other than stay at home for my family...if only I can have that chance.