I had the mri this afternoon...not nearly as anxiety-provoking as I had feared. The oncologist met with us afterwards. The tumor is 7 cm x 10 cm and..it is wrapped around my superior vena cava? I have mild superior vena cava syndrome or something from the pressure of the tumor on the vena cava. The diagnosis is uncertain...lymphoma is now the best case scenario...the differential right now is malignant teratoma.

The doctor was more optimistic...about the cure rates and trying to save the baby.....but Thomas came home and got into his medical books/online and is back to being devastated and...planning how to manage without me.

I'm just exhausted.

I have to have a CT-guided needle biopsy Monday morning at 7.45am...and Tuesday afternoon we'll have the 'talk' with the oncologist. I will probably start chemo on Thursday. Thomas wants me to start on Wednesday, but...my 11 year old has his very first band concert Wednesday at noon and I just 'have' to be there.

The doctor said he'll do everything to limit the toxicity to the baby if possible so that we can give the baby a chance.

Everytime I walk into our room right now, or our closet...or the mudroom, I imagine my husband coming in alone...with me gone....and I am just beside myself with fear and grief. My 9 year old daughter is furious with me. She told me if I take the chemo that I am "killing one of my children"....I tried to explain to her the best that I could, but she won't hear me...all she hears right now is that I'm willing to give up on her 'baby sister'...she's convinced it's a girl.

My heart is just..ripped into shreds...how on earth could this happen.

Please pray that it is 'just' a lymphoma...that I have a chance...that the baby has a chance. Please pray for my 4 children...and for my husband to find some peace. He hasn't eaten since he saw the x-ray.